What do you do if you find out a person you were crushing on turns out not to be that person he represented himself to be? Do you call them out? Do you quietly disappear from their lives without explanation? Do you curse them out? What?
I suppose people have to live their lives according to their own ethical codes. And perhaps they feel justified in hiding behind another persona. Maybe their "real life" commitments are overwhelming and they need an escape. Maybe they are trying on a new lifestyle and want to do so from a very private place. Or maybe they are living in fear and can't see a life of authentic happiness and they choose to create this fake universe. Is it fair to drag anyone there with you? And does that also mean that your interactions with people are also false, since you made them under false pretenses?I know everyone will not share their lives as I have done. I am suspending judgement. So I am leaving this alone with the understanding that I do not hold any power over anyone. All I can do is handle me. I choose transparency and authenticity and truth. I choose Love over Fear.
The Love List 6-10
- 6. Honesty. commitment to truth even if it hurts.
- 7. Integrity. must have a code of ethics to live by.
- 8. God Consciousness. must believe in a higher power. doesn't matter which higher power. Buddhist/Christian/Muslim/Voodoo Priest/Shaman/Witch Doctor/Monk/Rastafarian/etc.
- 9. Employed. Can work as anything as long as it does not cause either of us to go to jail. He will know that what he does for money does not determine his self-worth. What he does for money does not define him.
- 10. Conscious Thinker. Have some thought about the world. Reads and seeks information. Is concerned about life everywhere. Is a lover of freedom for all.
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13 comments:
I once had a coworker tell me that in the first 6 months that you know anyone - whether it be for professional or personal reasons - you are only interacting with their "representative." That persona they present when/while they are trying to make a good impression; to "seal the deal" if you will.
I have found this to be true. And I try to remember it when dealing with new people. Two things - (1)take advantage of the representative in getting things done in those first few months. And (2) don't count on the positive behavior lasting forever.
So, don't be mad at the crush, he's just displaying basic human nature.
My sistah I find myself agreeing with you on the position of truth and transparency right from the start. I've had the experience of which you speak more times than I care to remember, and I always find myself wondering..."why?"
At this point in my life, I value each second too damned much to waste any of them putting forward a false image that I know I will NEVER be able to maintain indefinitely. I find that I believe the sooner the "real me" shows up, the sooner the object of my crush can decide where/if I fit into his ideas of what he is looking for in this life. If I "fit", we can start "OUR LIVES TOGETHER" that much sooner; if I don't "fit", we can both continue on in our independent pursuit of what is for us. This is why I pretty much let it ALL hang out from the start in any/all relationships regardless of the type. My friends chastise me that I "scare guys off" because I am too transparent, but I say "so be it...I am who I am, take it or leave it." To my way of thinking, if he can't take me being me right from the start, I'm probably not his "the one" anyway, so why bother?
SO "HELL TO THE NAW" for anyone who believes that they are doing me any favors by showing me what they think I want to see...PLEASE DO ME A REAL FAVOR AND DON'T WASTE MY DAYUM TIME!
Don't worry my sistah, there are folks out there who do get this perspective; I know, because I too am one of them ;-)
Hey Reasonably Happy Gal,
I see your point. But what I am talking about isn't just about putting your best self forward. I am talking about out and out deceit. It is one thing if you want to go that route, but when you engage folks from a place of lies and shadow then, I can't hang on for that ride. I ahve come to far and done to much work to accept that from anyone.
Sharon,
We are SOUL SISTERS!
I am so walking in my truth. I have no choice. I have to be transparent and I have to be truthful as best as I can be. Yes it is off putting. But the Grown Man who steps in my space will accept nothing less.
If it's JAZZ SUNDAY, please play "I Hear Music" by Billie Holiday for me.
I guess we're destined to be friends not lovers (LOL) because in order to fulfill #6, I have to violate #8. I am only a believer in a higher power if you mean gravity, the speed of light, that sort of thing. I try to follow the Golden Rule or Karma, if you will, but that's ethical nor spiritual for me.
It doesn't make me a bad guy.
Dear Kelso's Nuts,
You are nothing if not charming. I prefer Billie Holiday singing..."My Man...oh I love him so he'll never know". Yes it runs contrary to what my blog is all about, but man that is a song for the ages! And Lady Day sings it like nobody else. Oh be still my heart!
Lovers? Just the fact you are jokingly considering is well...flattering! But you have a point, but on the flip side by breaking number #8 you are being... well... honest!
Isn't believing in nothing believing in something?
You are charming.
On being open...i have opened myself up so much on my blog...that in the past i have went back and deleted posts...feeling like i was revealing too much...i felt transparent, and bc of that i feel people pass judgement. That no longer concerns me. It seems everywhere we go, whether it be the blogworld or the real world we run into these "types"...bc i am open i don't normally spot the "wolves in sheeps clothing"...but before long, all is revealed, and sometimes to my emotional detriment. But, ce la vie...lesson learned, now time to move on to greater things! Love the list too!
Hey Mizrepresent,
Yes we can't always spot the wolves...in any clothing, but that does not deter one from pressing on. I do not ever want to go back to fear. To being afraid if someone finds out about me. This is who I am love me or leave me alone.
I like when you said that all you can do is handle yourself. That's so true!
Girly Girl,
When its all said and done all you get to control is you.
Thanks for dropping...I love your work.
Oh, I've thought many times to post things and then thought better of it. Sometimes I'm a bit fearful of linking Adele (my name) with Ndelible (my online persona). But, what the heck! Ndelible is Adele and vice versa. Truth is very important to me, as it should be for my partner. I want to know. I need to know. For, in knowledge, I have power to love or leave. It's just that simple.
Ndel's World
Hey Sister Ndelible,
Online persona is one thing...I get that. But out and out deceit is a whole other ball game. And I cannot allow someone to take me there. Nor can I take anybody there either.
I'm still with you. More than that, I'm following intently. I don't know the circumstances of your divorce, but I know that my last wife was not who she pretended to be. She had me totally fooled, and I have to ask why? In the end, I don't even see what she got out of it. But Like you, I turned my gaze inward and started fixing me.
Peace and Love,
Alizé (LoversA.blogspot.com)
Alize,
I am so happy that you find any of my love list interesting. All I can do is be a better me.
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