Friday, March 14, 2008


I loved being married. In the beginning of my marriage my husband loved the fact that I was so romantic and paid attention to details in gift giving and little surprises. I did things that I thought would make him happy--doing for him made me happy. I once hired a Jazz Trio to play in our living room for Valentine's Day. My husband got home from work and headed for the shower because we were expecting two other couples for dinner to celebrate being in love. He knew nothing about the Trio. They arrived and set up while he was in the shower, so when he got out and heard the music he thought I was just getting in the mood early. He was blown away when he came downstairs and there was this Trio of musicians playing romance songs. That was a fabulous evening. I once rented a limo and took him to a Jill Scott concert at Foxwoods casino. I once surprised him with a weekend at an Inn in NJ on the shore. I even planned to renew our vows in a charming church in Paris--sent my wedding dress ahead and everything. The only problem was September 11th the World Trade Center tragedy. We shifted gears and went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico instead--still romantic.

My marriage history is filled with lovely stories of romantic gestures. But they all weren't happy. At some point my husband began to dread holidays and gift-giving. He began to see my gestures of love as competitive events that he couldn't keep up with. He began to resent me and my excitement about Valentine's Day, Christmas, my Birthday. He started complaining about how hard it was to give me a gift. He started feeling like it was unfair to put so much effort into commercial holidays. I NEVER ONCE ASKED FOR ANYTHING. I am not one of these women who gives lists of expected gifts. I love gifts. What ever I got I was happy. He never believed me. He always felt like I expected him to match my giving. So I started dreading my favorite holidays because I could not take the fighting and whining.

In spite of all of that nonsense, I do believe in Love and I do believe that I will get married again and I know the next Man will get me in a way that my current/estranged husband did not and could not.

I remain a hopeful, romantic, optimist.

The Love List 59-61

59. Loves to Read. Is interested in all types of genres.

60. Loves all types of music. Must have a top 5! Mine are:
  • Lovely Day, Bill Withers
  • Love's Holiday, Earth Wind & Fire
  • Air in G String, Johann Sebastian Bach
  • Edge of a Dream, Minnie Ripperton
  • So Far Away, Carol King

61. Loves Films/Movies. Must Have a top 5! Mine are:

  • Sounder
  • Daughters of the Dust
  • Auntie Mame--The Rosalind Russell version
  • Casablanca
  • They Way We Were
  • The entire James Bond franchise


Sharon said...

Everytime I come here I become even more sure of something...You are Me, and I am You!

I could have written this post based on my experiences with the men who have passed through my life and their eventual and it seems inevitable response to my romantic nature. I am so satisfied by the joy I give to those I love. It is not a generosity that in any way hinges on reciprocity. It is a generosity of spirit that is ONLY selfish in that in return, it feeds off of the joy it brings to others.

I think it is a shame that so many folks don't get this and try to turn it into a game of one-upmanship. For me, like you, that is neither here nor there as I fully intend to do what I do with the confident expectation that one day, my "THE ONE" will not only "get me", but will get also how very blessed he is to have someone like me in his life!

You gone with your "romantical" self my sistah...I "grew up" to be just like you!

Lovebabz said...

I love you Sharon. YES WE ARE TWINS! It is amazing to me that my husband would feel this way. That he would hold this up as a whipping tool against me. It broke my heart and it did make me feel less than. But I am over that and I know better than to allow someone else's insecurities to rule my passions. Yes indeed someone will "get us" and will be happy for us!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

all except 61

Lovebabz said...

Hey Torrence,

Surely you have top 5 fav movies! No they don't have to be remotely close to what I chose.

dejanae said...

first off
i needa be married to you
the gay thing?
we could work something out
lovin the list thing

Lovebabz said...


LOL, ROFL! Sister I am cracking up on your post!

I am glad you are loving the list!

Piecake said...

Wow - those are some great gifts! When you do something, you go BIG! I have to admit, my sister gives fabulous gifts and at times I have dreaded reciprocating because I never felt that I measured up. Then one day I realized that she wasn't measuring. Now I enjoy what I receive and give what I think she'll like and I don't worry if the $$ balances out. She's not!
You should add a requirement to your love list about being able to accept and appreciate gifts without worrying about "the payback" (if you haven't already).

Lovebabz said...

Yes Yes Yes Piecake, you are so right! I will defintely add that to the love list! Thank you!

And I am glad you have come to your senses about your Sister's gift giving. it is about what we feel when we give and not about the amount of the gift given.

Tony OH said...

Hmmmmmm. Verrry Interesting!!!!!
Hmmmmmm. You might be giving Miz a run for her money. Hmmmmmm. I'll have to keep my eye on you. Hmmmmmm. Yep, I'll be back.

BTW, Thanks for stopping in, Hmmmmm!!!!!

Lovebabz said...

Thanks for stopping by Tony OH!
You are amusing to say the least! I think Miz is pretty safe. But I do hope you stop back by!

Mizrepresent said...

I love your recollection of giving and want to please your husband...i too am a giver...and it's funny my ex was once one as well, but then at some point the gifts became more routine and not one of thought...i mean he could mention something he liked, like a favorite movie, entertainer, whatever and it could be 6 mos down the line, but come his birthday or anyday i would be sure to remember what he liked and made sure i presented it to gave me such joy to do these things. On getting married first, and for awhile i thought NOT...but now i know i would love to, not looking forward but if the right one for me comes along, then i will. Great post again lady! Have a great weekend.

Mizrepresent said...

@Tony OH - you are too funny, lol!

@lovebabz - *wink* lol!

Lovebabz said...

Hey Miz, My next man has to get this about and like it. I can't deal with a Man who is so freaked out by a daggone gift that he gets stressed out!

And Tony OH is funny and charming!