He is not the one.
I know this because I spend more time piecing my heart together than I do sharing my heart. He doesn't get me.
He doesn't understand me. He thinks if only I would CHANGE. He doesn't call it change (accept order, discipline, moderation). I would be more to his liking if I would CHANGE. He could love me fully if I would only CHANGE.
I am not against change. I am against this never-ending audition. I just can't keep dancing backwards in heels. Maybe this why I have given up the Tango. Maybe on some level I am tired of ill-matched expectations. I am tired of constant criticism masquerading as care and concern. I am not willing to settle for less than AMAZING! I want someone who just likes being with me as is. And is in line with allowing me to decide what a better me would be. I want someone who trusts that I can grow and blossom in my own right. I want someone who understands that I am always a work in progress...a woman in transition. I want someone who knows when to shut the fuck up.
All I know is this isn't what I want. This isn't what inspires me, or makes me feel safe, needed, or wanted. All I feel is inadequate...not enough...always wrong. Always begging for affection and closeness. Always having closeness dangled before me...If you do this... I will love you. If you adopt my changes than I will love you. I've jumped through enough hoops in my life and I am not good in a box. I live for the extraordinary that sometimes plays out as chaos. It's all good.
So what am I doing? Seriously? I want this to be something that it can't be. I hoped for the best. For a few moments it was the best. It was a love supreme. But forever simply means for as long as anything can last. So I am letting go. Pulling up. Getting off the train. Turning off the music. He is not the partner/companion/lover/husband for me.
So the parting of company is at hand. Another sweeping goodbye to a man I loved and hoped would love me.