Sunday, February 7, 2010

WHAT AM I DOING? SERIOUSLY?

He is not the one.

I know this because I spend more time piecing my heart together than I do sharing my heart. He doesn't get me.

He doesn't understand me. He thinks if only I would CHANGE. He doesn't call it change (accept order, discipline, moderation). I would be more to his liking if I would CHANGE. He could love me fully if I would only CHANGE.

I am not against change. I am against this never-ending audition. I just can't keep dancing backwards in heels. Maybe this why I have given up the Tango. Maybe on some level I am tired of ill-matched expectations. I am tired of constant criticism masquerading as care and concern. I am not willing to settle for less than AMAZING! I want someone who just likes being with me as is. And is in line with allowing me to decide what a better me would be. I want someone who trusts that I can grow and blossom in my own right. I want someone who understands that I am always a work in progress...a woman in transition. I want someone who knows when to shut the fuck up.

All I know is this isn't what I want. This isn't what inspires me, or makes me feel safe, needed, or wanted. All I feel is inadequate...not enough...always wrong. Always begging for affection and closeness. Always having closeness dangled before me...If you do this... I will love you. If you adopt my changes than I will love you. I've jumped through enough hoops in my life and I am not good in a box. I live for the extraordinary that sometimes plays out as chaos. It's all good.

So what am I doing? Seriously? I want this to be something that it can't be. I hoped for the best. For a few moments it was the best. It was a love supreme. But forever simply means for as long as anything can last. So I am letting go. Pulling up. Getting off the train. Turning off the music. He is not the partner/companion/lover/husband for me.

So the parting of company is at hand. Another sweeping goodbye to a man I loved and hoped would love me.

9 comments:

The Bear Maiden said...

Ah, that sucks and I'm sorry. But men are like buses. Really. And there's always another one.

You look... you will find.

Big Mark 243 said...

Somehow I don't think what Bear Maiden is what is going to carry the day.

What will? If I knew that... at anyrate, you continue to share and feel. I will keep reading and if I have something to 'say', I will say it.

L&R
Mark

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

(((HUGS)))

Dearest blog Sis, so many times we ask ourselves the 'hard questions' when we already know the answer.

You know the kind of love you seek. YOU know what will fill you up and keep you going in this thing called life.

I was explaining to a friend the other day how if you do not believe there is 'real love' for you it will never find you. Real love supports you, cheers you on and yes, shows you your flaws but never FORCES you to change.

I know it is difficult but you have great memories, right? Learn the lesson and move on with your head held high.

Monique said...

If I've learned anything in my 28.5 years on this earth, is if someone doesn't accept you wholeheartly, flaws and all, they aren't meant to be there.

There is change and then there is compromise. Change is for others and compromise is for self. You only need to compromise in this life. Hugs to you love. If he must go, the affair was lovely and divine while it lasted but allow room for the next possiblities.

Pantsy said...

Hey Lovebabz,

I have been reading your blog again lately (glad to see you back!) and I have to say, I've been waiting for this epiphany -- I figured it would come, sooner or later. Happy it was sooner.

Love,

May-Bee

Solomon said...

You will ride out this storm the same way you have rode out all the rest. And you will come out the other side a better person because of it.

A.u.n.t. Jackie said...

sending you positive energy and positive insight now and always. no advice just support..

(((hugs)))

Lovebabz said...

Bear Maiden,
LOL...tired of getting on the wrong bus. But you are right...another will be back around.

Big Mark 243
I appreciate your support and when you comment it is PROFOUND!

Kay C
My kindred soul sister. I am moving on. This was what I needed as I needed it. Things change all the time.

Pantsy,
How nice of you to pop in! Loveships are hard no matter who you are. I wanted this to work. It doesn't. Gotta press on.

Solomon,
I can ride out a rough storm with the best of them! I swear I wabt some smooth sailing for a good while :)

MOnique,
I am with you. I appreciate someone wanting you to be your best, but I have to decide what that is. A lover plays a supporting role in my life...he is not the star.

AUNT Jackie,
I feel your warmth!

Her Side said...

LoveBabs... Muah!

Your post flared in my heart as the answer to a question you asked me a long time ago (and I promised to answer): "Why do you answer the phone when His Side calls?"

I will absolutely answer that question at the blog, with reference to this post... Soon I promise. lol