Sunday, March 13, 2011


I am full of shit right now.  I am so excuse driven that I almost believe I can't do anything except make an excuse. I have such big dreams in my heart and mind, but when its time to take that leap of faith, I slink back to my cave...the inner recesses of my mind.  You would have thought I have never accomplished anything in my life.  But somehow I am feeling like I am in my own way and can't get past myself.

I do not believe I am having a mid-life crisis.  I don't think I am having a mental health break-down.  I do suspect that perhaps depression is making its way back into town and looking me up for old times sake.  I have learned a thing or two about myself over these last few years and I would say depression is trying to vacation in my space.

All the old tools don't work, I have to arm myself with a new box of tools for this new slick and witty and seductive form of depression.  It doesn't ask me to do dangerous stuff or harm myself.  It says: you are doing too much, rest, stop dreaming, settle, go along with the grain. You don't want to swim up stream do you?  Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink, eat, eat.  Tomorrow work out or walk.  Tomorrow do something different.  Right now indulge you, feed you.  Make yourself feel better now. Excuses are the tools of the devil and I have been accepting his gifts.

The old me would have been totally seduced... easily and readily falling into old habits. The transitioning me knows better.  Oh yeah some of the seduction has been successful.  That's why I am lamenting.  That's why I am sharing and purging my soul.

I am going to bed armed with prayers and positive affirmations.  I am jumping out this bed in the morning and I am chasing the devil back into the ether.  What is required is sound sleep.  Peaceful rest and a deep abiding belief in knowing that I have all that I need for this part of my journey.  God has my back for sure.

I cannot and must not entertain this seductive menace. I've got things to do and love to make. I am keeping the faith for sure.


Big Mark 243 said...

I don't want to sound to rah-rah but by facing up and challenging the blahs I do think you will be better for it. When it comes down to times like this, I grit my teeth and do what is necessary to get back into it and plant my feet and fight my way out of the corner! You have that quality in you so I am sure that it is more the change of season than it is anything of any greater substance that has you in your mood.

You will be back up to speed are the flowers get to blooming... after all, in spring hope become eternal!

Princess Tinybutt said...

i agree!! here, here big mark - here, here!!