Sunday, March 7, 2010

INWARD...

I am feeling very introspective today. Where am I?

I am having that free-falling backwards feeling. I can't seem to get my bearings. I can't seem to stand on firm ground in my life. I am anxious and argumentative. I am short tempered and I am uneasy. Tired. Very tired of being underneath struggle. I've been at war too long and I am ready to come in from the raging storms. I've been in battle for too long. I am losing my ability to feel soft. I am losing my ability to see love. I am becoming distrustful of my own thoughts and feelings.

There is too much noise in my life from all directions. I am constantly being talked at. I am losing my ability to elevate my mind from the chaos of my life. I am tired of being told what to do about the most mundane of things. I don't give a shit about dishes in the sink. Not today!

WHAT THE FUCK DO I WANT? WHO THE HELL DO I WANT TO BE?

God I wish someone would be kind to me. Take care of me. Make everything alright for me... just for today. I want someone to mind the children while I nap. Make the lemon water without asking me first. I want someone to love that I am quiet and brooding and not constantly asking me what's on my mind! I want someone to crawl in bed with me and just start fucking me... without a whole lot of conversation. CAN I HAVE THAT! PLEASE!

Who am I really? and what do I want? what matters to me? and how can I keep moving forward with grace? What would a better Me look like? And could someone just come and love this Me? AS Is? Do I love this ME as is?

Inward once again for the true answers. Maybe I've relied too much on the external. Maybe.

5 comments:

Sista GP said...

Your faith is inward. Follow it, sis. You can't go wrong.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

You know that inner peace only comes from within. Sometimes we have to tune out the world to find it.

I am struggling with that one today as well. Take your time, feel the emotion, center yourself, get your bearings and then the chaos will not seem as loud.

(((HUGS)))

Big Mark 243 said...

I don't have an answer for you or anything deep like that. People are quick to say that they are dealing with the same issues, when that isn't quite true.

We use the same words and speak the same language, but our arrival at this place, is its own unique journey. Maybe we can offer up suggestions, but we don't have the ability to tell you what WE WOULD DO. Even if we told you what we did, it would only be from how we saw the things in our environment and accounted for them.

But if there is a 'you-niversal' point, it is about faith. Believe and continue to move towards that belief.

Princess Tinybutt said...

i'm with sister gp and kay c.

all my love

(not so eloquent today...)

Luv said...

wow..so late reading this I know..but wow.. I am feeling this.. the crossroads of a long and tedious journey are always rude awakenings.. push forward my sister..