The level of criticism I throw at myself is outrageous. It is so insidious that I don't even notice it while rushing through my day. I don't even catch myself when I am rattling off in my head all the things that are wrong with me. From worrying about losing weight, having enough money for basic shit, how am I going to keep this house. I spend too much time thinking if I am drinking too much, or not eating enough fruits and vegetables. I am due for an eye exam, and gynecological exam that I have to pay for because I don't have health insurance. Oh and I have to get back to my Dr. for a 6 month check-up for high blood pressure. I am juggling all these 'have-to's" and trying not to have them crash and hit me in the head or worse throw more balls in the air!
So what have I learned in the last 3 years or so? That peace is deliberate. Love is deliberate. Love and peace begin within. That's it. A simple message. A simple shift in the way I think and go about the world. Love and peace begin within.
Paying attention to one's life is really paying attention to the smallest of smallest details. It is the discipline of training your mind to be quiet and shut off the negative internal talk. The big things in my life get the attention easily. It is those seemingly small things that are left unattended to.
I am cutting myself some slack. I know I haven't been disciplined, or kept my word on losing weight, or scaling back indulgences. And I have been stubborn and whiny. But still, I am cutting myself some slack. I appreciate pressing on....soldering on....no pain, no gain. I swear I just need to cut myself some slack. Maybe this is more whining. I am sure it is. But for now that's all I want to do. Tomorrow I am sure will be different as I continue to shift my thinking and move in that direction.