I have been short-tempered with everyone and everything. I have been impatient, frustrated, prickly. Say something to me and I am ready to explode. I am annoyed at my kids and angry with them a lot. I am tired and worried and I want everyone to just leave me alone.
There is no one to blame for my angst and bad attitude. It's not anything other than my own shit I am stuck on. I want to run away. I need a vacation. I am broke. I am up against it. I am trying to think and move things around in my life in hopes of making something happen. I need something good to happen. And this ladies and gentlemen is the wrong thinking. I know it as I am purging it all in this post. All the shit I am feeling is my own to carry and drop. I know better and I am allowing myself to be wooed into destructive thinking. I am acting as if I have no control of myself...my thoughts...my mind.
I cannot run away from my feelings of fear and despair. But it is not enough to just sit in them and let them run rampant in my mind. It is a real and constant battle to stay in grace. To beat back the negative thoughts. They ease in so quickly that you don't even realize you are thinking and doing shit that runs against what you say you want. I am overwhelmed in this moment and I am losing my focus. I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to sing the "Oh, woe is me" chorus. I get to act like I am helpless and powerless. This is how the devil wins and beats me. He knows how to fan the flames of doubt and insecurity. He sees the weakness and sits in the cut and waits.
I am treading water in my life. This is good because I am not drowning. Treading water allows you to not swim, and not sink, you do however have to keep yourself afloat. It is a resting of sorts until help arrives and that help may well be getting enough rest to swim to shore.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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5 comments:
There is a lot of strength and resolve in this post. 'It' is going to happen for you, this we both are certain of!
I SO understand this post. I'm in a similar situation and have been treading for quite awhile. The help will come...THIS I know. *hugs*
as usual, big mark is right. and like chick lit, i oh so truly understand this post.
treading is ok, AND it is temporary.
i love you.
Yes change will come, I allowed myself a pity party all last week, feeling terrible cause I am approaching 37 this Thursday, and I am alone, having went thru some hard things in life, not making the money I need to have "a life" outside of paying bills etc etc. I allowed myself to wallow but then I had to snap back and maintain, being reminded to be grateful for what I do have (being a homeowner, not being in a bad situation with the wrong someone, being able to pay my bills if nothing else) even though I sometimes get so lonely and discouraged, I have to press on with gratitude for all that I do have, trusting in GOD and continuing to move forward, looking at things thru eyes of faith.
Hang in there like so many of us are. Write, write and write some more! cry if you need to, go walking at a brisk pace to channel your thoughts in a new direction, but move from that place where you are. It really does work, girl! Take it from a no-exercising diva! Get those kids to walking with you and make it a family affair. My daughter enjoys it. And stay connected to your writing buddies to keep yourself motivated to write. Hell, I may need you to tell me to get on with writing my story!
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