I have been short-tempered with everyone and everything. I have been impatient, frustrated, prickly. Say something to me and I am ready to explode. I am annoyed at my kids and angry with them a lot. I am tired and worried and I want everyone to just leave me alone.
There is no one to blame for my angst and bad attitude. It's not anything other than my own shit I am stuck on. I want to run away. I need a vacation. I am broke. I am up against it. I am trying to think and move things around in my life in hopes of making something happen. I need something good to happen. And this ladies and gentlemen is the wrong thinking. I know it as I am purging it all in this post. All the shit I am feeling is my own to carry and drop. I know better and I am allowing myself to be wooed into destructive thinking. I am acting as if I have no control of myself...my thoughts...my mind.
I cannot run away from my feelings of fear and despair. But it is not enough to just sit in them and let them run rampant in my mind. It is a real and constant battle to stay in grace. To beat back the negative thoughts. They ease in so quickly that you don't even realize you are thinking and doing shit that runs against what you say you want. I am overwhelmed in this moment and I am losing my focus. I want to wallow in self-pity. I want to sing the "Oh, woe is me" chorus. I get to act like I am helpless and powerless. This is how the devil wins and beats me. He knows how to fan the flames of doubt and insecurity. He sees the weakness and sits in the cut and waits.
I am treading water in my life. This is good because I am not drowning. Treading water allows you to not swim, and not sink, you do however have to keep yourself afloat. It is a resting of sorts until help arrives and that help may well be getting enough rest to swim to shore.