I swear I am walking through the world trying to hold onto everything I can to stay grounded. To stay on this planet to stay amongst the living. I am drowning. This is not treading water. This is hopelessness. This is I am giving up.
Fuck it, this hurts way too much. I don't even know what the way-too-much is. The aloness is crippling and blinding. I am reminded of what I don't have, what I have lost, what I have never had. What the fuck. Everything is like a knife driving into my heart. There is no comfort anywhere. I just want to cry and scream and throw shit. But I don't because I have kids and they need and deserve a somewhat sane parent. Thank God for routine...cooking, preparing for their lives, taking care. But even those things are slipping from my grasp. I can feel it. I can feel myself at the end of my rope and the knot that I made to hang onto is fraying.
Fuck it, this hurts way too much. I don't know how to stand against this kind of breaking of spirit. I am fighting tears now and I am losing. I have tools, I know how to fight. I know how to be still and none of that shit is working! I swear it's like I am in this terrible wind storm and if i just let go, I'll blow away. And being blown away doesn't seem like a bad idea. I can almost feel the relief.