Wednesday, April 27, 2011

THE NEED FOR QUIET...STOP TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW!

I want some quiet time.  I want everyone to shut up around me.  Not forever, just for a little while.  I need to not talk about every emotion I am having.  Perhaps this is why I blog and love it.  I can purge, I can rant and I can say whatever and let it go.  I don't have to keep telling the same story of how I am feeling over and over again.  Sometimes you just gotta sit with your own shit and be still.

If someone loves you they let you be.  Now I don't mean abandon you, or allow you to fall deep into an abyss without at least trying to rescue you.  I am talking about, when I need my space, give it to me without a whole lot of arm twisting.  There are ways to be with someone without being intrusive or annoying.  Perhaps I am being selfish. Or clearly not relationship ready and when I say relationship I mean any and all, not just the romantic ones...although those tend to get on my nerves the most.

I think I am crossing over to whining.  I have been known to whine on occasion.  I have whined on this blog more times than I care to go back and check.

There is so much to think about.  I mean I have real life decisions to make and deal with.  I am a mom and I love it, but I gotta suck up some of my bullshit and be totally present for my kids.  I am a friend to a few folks who I adore and that brings me great joy.  I am trying to row my small boat on the big open sea and even though I have real sailing skills (because I lived a big life so I have experience) I still find myself braving the elements alone.  My faith in God is BIG BIG BIG, so I am not alone in that regard.  I think I am saying someone please get me....just don't do a whole lot of talking.  Or if you need me to talk back, coax me gently and lovingly.  I can't be bullied...it shuts me down TOTALLY.

My oars are in the water and baby I am rowing.  I am a rower.  I refuse to sink, so swimming is my only option. Being quiet brings me that kind of clarity and confidence. Metaphors seemingly explain my thinking....I hope.  Anyway, time to look for a song to lift my mood and inspire me on.

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