Where am I these days? What am I doing? It's been a hard winter and not just because of all the snow. It was hard because I was tying to be in a relationship on my own terms. Meaning I wanted him to do as I wanted and have no opposing opinion. Yes I was that woman for well over a year. A controlling, manipulative witch. My way or the highway chick. I was dreadful. Then I had the nerve to act as though I didn't understand why this loveship wasn't working. Hilarious! I mean I really had my panties in a bunch over not getting my way ALL THE TIME. Ha.
Yes I could wax poetic on this blog about growing and loving love and embracing the now. But seriously I wasn't doing enough to invite love in. I was not being welcoming. I was being guarded. I wanted love at arms length, without risk, without real commitment on my part. Who am I and What Do I want?
Love is deliberate. Love is courageous. If you are afraid then you cannot love. It's that simple. If you are guarded then you will not experience the fullness of divine love. Making love is not the same as love. Making love is the physical manifestation of desire and if your lucky there's some love thrown into the mix. I have had loveless sex more times than I care to think about and still longed for a deeper love after many nights of the most illicit sex. For me sex is not the binding force of a loveship. I want more.
The kind of love my heart and soul desires is the kind of love that says come and let me wash your feet. Let me serve you. Let me be kind and generous with my time. Let me share my deepest thoughts and long kept secrets. There is no other love that can satisfy the soul. I must love deeply and fully from a place of trust, joy and faith. Yes for the sake of another, but most importantly for my own well-being.
I am still too much for the fear and often I don't even recognize it, until after I fixed my mouth to speak coldly and nasty to my beloved. I don't recognize myself in those moments when I am quick to hurt and tear down trust, faith and Love's possibilities for the future.
I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH. I have been a fool. I have been a fool. I have been a fool.