Monday, June 20, 2011

FAITH TESTED

It is amazing how pain and suffering can keep you paralyzed and focused on your pain and suffering. I cannot lose sight of the fact that I believe in a restorative God.  A God who has been with me at the darkest of darkest moments, of abuse, abandonment, scandal, divorce, death of loved ones and on and on.  God has celebrated with me during the most amazing times in my life..graduating college, getting married, my first job, graduating grad school,  adopting kids, first house and on and on.  If my knot is fraying, I have no choice but to tie another and hang on.  If I am sad and lonely I must remember that I am not alone.  I am always in the care and company of the greatest of companions.

I went to bed last night feeling defeated, tired and very much alone.  But this morning I woke up with a different mindset. Not so much clarity, but rather a sense of peace. I have always been more than alright. I am going to be better than alright moving forward.  Diamonds are made from the pressure of the earth forcing it into existence. Children come through labor. Champion athletes win because they are willing to endure the suffering necessary for greatness.  There is no easy way to destiny.  You either hear and follow the call or you sit and stay where you are.  I have never been one to sit and stay.  No matter how much I wished I could.

There is a ministry waiting for me.  There is a Call and Send, that is preparing me.  These last few days my faith has been tested.  The pain I experienced were rooted in things that I thought I put to rest.  And yet they showed up stronger than ever and I was seduced by my ego. I took the opportunity to act in such a way as to let folks know they hurt me.  This is past mess and I got sucked in.  This is not not where I want to be and that past mess is not my deal right now.  This surely is a faith test.  I would have failed if I kept on going down that path.  This morning, I have u-turned.  I am putting my mind off the things that hurt and focusing on listening to God.

Yesterday and the days before hurt way too much, but it was because I let it. I allowed the negative thoughts and feelings to grow and take over.  I allowed my loneliness and pain, and disappointments to trump my joy, happiness and love. I was so focused on lack and loss that I acted as if there was nothing else in my life. It was overwhelming to me how I allowed past mess to stand in my present and run amok.  I acted as though I was helpless.

I am going to take a vacation from blogging.  Not a long one.  Just a few days to relax. Laugh. Hang around and do some other things.  It's been an exhausting couple of days.

1 comment:

MsTrayJay said...

Rest and rest assured we'll be here when you get back.