It is 4:58 am. I love this hour just before daybreak. The house is quiet. I can actually focus on my thoughts and feelings. Raising 4 children is exhausting, fun and well exhausting. My first thought about blogging my life was one of sheer terror. But I find myself drawn to it. So this is my maiden voyage. I am not so sure I should just spill out everything. I feel like I am on a first date. You the know the rules of a first date---don't tell all your business. A girl has to have some mystery. And also I think blogging will be healing. I have a lot of wounds and scars. I am hoping that like-minded souls will share their thoughts. I am not looking to get beat-up or beat-down. Nor do I want stranger's condemnation of my choices. Hell, nobody can dole out self-loathing better than me---I own that! So I am sitting at my desktop, watching the sun creep over the neighborhood and feeling pretty good...pretty good indeed.
Having 4 children is like have a herd of buffalo--50 strong! Dinner is done and now the wind down begins. Because 2 of the 4 are on punishment their bedtimes are considerably earlier than normal. God I need a chilled glass of wine--preferably a Shiraz! And I shall have one when the last little head hits the pillow at about 8:30 pm. Trust me I will not attempt to blog while the house is in full swing--it doesn't work! So I will be back in the wee hours.
Love,
Babz
It is very difficult for me not having a job. I have always had a job. When I was a kid, I ironed baskets of clothes for money. I did pretty well for myself. So this waiting and waiting for the other shoe to drop is painful. I have decided in the meantime, in between time, that I would focus my energy on creating a new life for myself. I am thinking that I will excavate my inner-self and get a better handle of who I am. I know this all sounds well and good, but really what does it mean? Well for one, it is about self analysis--really looking at myself and then focusing my energy on my future and my goals. I have discovered "The Secret" and the "laws of Attraction" I am intrigued by the whole idea of the vibrations we set off into the universe. This concept really gives a name to what I knew to be true--that whatever you have on your mind becomes your reality. That you control your destiny. And this does not take away from my God consciousness--as a matter of fact, it is in alignment with my Christian faith. You are no good to anyone if you are in despair, and chaos. So I am moving forward on this path. My path of transformation, that will no doubt take me further on my life's journey. So in the meantime, I begin with being grateful for all that I have in this moment.
I have decided nothing except to stand still. My husband is moving out--and refuses to call his new home, his home--he refers to it as the apt on blank street. My children are OK, but I know they are afraid, so I am doing my best to keep up a brave front. I don't think its a bad thing for kids to get a glimpse of Mom and Dad tugging it out--as long as they see some positive resolution (I don't mean physical stuff, I mean raised voices, but without bad language). As I said I am standing still. Today I am standing still, I wish I could say like a redwood, or a sycamore, grand and regal. I am standing still because there is nothing else to do. I have to let God do the handiwork. I must allow the universe to work on my behalf. I have to get out of my own way. I am standing still.
I am not going to talk about the specifics of my federal case. I am going to talk about my feelings thus far. I seem to be making progress in making peace with this. I have worried my self sick about what could happen, what might happen and what to do if the worst case scenario plays out. This process is a very lonely business. There is no way to talk about this without people going into automatic reassuring mode. I am grateful for that, however I am still alone with my thoughts on the matter. I don't think of myself as a villain, and I long since given up labeling my self as wretched. What I am doing is thinking about what the next phase of my life will be. I am just now beginning to think about my future. The last 4 1/2 of years was filled with anxiety about my case, pleading guilty and now awaiting sentencing. It has been a very long process and it has taken me this long to make some peace with all of it. Today, I am not so concerned with worst case scenario. I am optimistic by nature--a romantic often. As I said today, I am not worrying about worst case anything.
Yesterday there was blurb in the newspaper about my upcoming federal sentencing. Of course it was sensational and inaccurate and it wasn't on the front page.. so I am assuming my interest factor is waning. I had no idea it was in the paper until my girlfriend called me. I would have been happier not knowing it. There is a chance that I will go to jail for a period of time. I have over the years tried not to lose sight of this possibility. It is haunting and almost crippling to me that I may go to jail for committing a crime. Embezzling money from a non profit created to help poor people is shameful. My only saving grace and there is saving grace, is that this will not go on forever. There is an end point. Someday this will be a part of my past. I already know life goes on, it is going on as I write. So I have decided not to give this anymore space in my brain than it already occupies. As my dear friend Ron likes to remind me "no matter what happens you're going to be alright." I believe that. Worrying about things that are out of my control is at best stupid. So what has changed in the last 24 hours since the story hit the papers again. NOTHING. My life today is the same as it was yesterday. Tomorrow takes care of itself.
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3 comments:
4 years and what a road traveled....
CONGRATULATIONS!
Thank you Sister Monique!
Hi Keith! Thanks for popping in!
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