I feel like I have been dragged back to my past with the folks that have shown up in the last year. I do not think they were meant to stay. I think they stayed around long enough to give me the message that I can't go back. But I needed to go back to see just how far I have come. God is saying look you have survived that, now look ahead to your right now. And you can't make someone into your ideal when they have tremendous work to do on their own. You can't love someone into being or becoming your soul mate. They gotta come ready and equipped and open for love.
I gotta shed some folks and some of them are family. I don't mean cut them out of my life. I mean I gotta push them out of my circle and love them from a distance. I am tired of spending time with folks who don't have the same mindset as I do. Their idea of fun was fun but now I am longing for something else. I have always had that feeling, but I squashed it. Maybe because I wanted to belong and be accepted somewhere. Maybe I was too lazy to go and find my tribe. I am not suggesting I am better than anyone. I just know that what I am doing is not what I want to be doing. So it's an all out sprint to my dreams.
I love this question: What Would You Do If You Knew You Couldn't Fail? I gotta go and answer this. I gotta put some purpose and direction in my action....take action on all fronts. There is something stirring...or better still, I am listening to what's stirring inside. It is time to move in that direction. To listen and respond by doing and moving. I don't have eons to get this. There is a sense of urgency but not desperation. The more I begin to embrace this changing mindset the more I feel at home in it.
This may seem like a mish-mash of things,but to me I am feeling very clear. It is all coming together like pieces of a puzzle. I just have to remain open to listening and then acting upon the message and the direction. I've done a lot of the hard work already. I have thrown myself to the wolves. I have been raked over the coals. I have walked through fire. I have bent over backwards. I have played the fool. I have been a villain. I have been shamed. I have been at the end of my rope. I have fallen from grace. I have been abandoned. I have been hurt. I have been rescued. I have been sold. I have been fucked and fucked over. I have been on my knees in pain and in pleasure. I have called on God every hour of everyday in love and in anger.
There is nothing for me now but to head the call and send of God. There is nothing that I want, except to make this life of use. To take this life and let it be a ministry. As I sit, the way becomes clearer. I don't know what it means yet.
What is clear is that I am listening.