The last few days have been tough. I have been fighting back tears and finally after the kids left with their Dad yesterday I just let the tears fall. This loneliness thing is quite profound. I think what I have been doing is trying to fill up my life with things to keep loneliness at bay. That is a good idea for a little while. But at some point you gotta address the pain. You gotta acknowledge what it is and stop trying to mask it, hide from it, and ignore it.
As I stop and be still, I can see clearly that it really is loneliness and not just random depression. I am lonely and I have to figure out how to handle this. I don't think I have been this in tuned to being lonely. I have had moments of loneliness and have been able to just get passed it. But this is more profound. This is pervasive loneliness that reaches all areas of my life. I can no longer just rush to fill my time with activities and distractions trying to squash the feelings of loneliness.
So what's a woman to do? I don't know. I think I have to be with my feelings and allow them room to tell me what is happening. I think I have to accept the fact that I am lonely and that I don't have to force myself to get over it. I do have to move forward, but perhaps moving forward is being still.
I do know that I have to give this my attention. And if I want a grand life, it requires that I address my pain. I also know that I am resilient and have come too far to be derailed.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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3 comments:
Let the momentum pull you through... you don't have to 'do' as much as you should simply 'be'. The way is there and you know it, so continue on your path.
This is where I was last week.
And after I grieved and allowed myself to feel what I was feeling.
I shifted focus..... to all I had to be thankful for, even without a life lover, friend, companion, husband. I find that this helped me move past the grief that sometimes accompanies lonely.
Big Mark 243,
Sage, wise words indeed.
Kwana,
My natural instinct is to shift focus. But I think this time I am going to have to be in the moment with my loneliness...really feel it, explore it and make space for it.
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