The last few days have been tough. I have been fighting back tears and finally after the kids left with their Dad yesterday I just let the tears fall. This loneliness thing is quite profound. I think what I have been doing is trying to fill up my life with things to keep loneliness at bay. That is a good idea for a little while. But at some point you gotta address the pain. You gotta acknowledge what it is and stop trying to mask it, hide from it, and ignore it.
As I stop and be still, I can see clearly that it really is loneliness and not just random depression. I am lonely and I have to figure out how to handle this. I don't think I have been this in tuned to being lonely. I have had moments of loneliness and have been able to just get passed it. But this is more profound. This is pervasive loneliness that reaches all areas of my life. I can no longer just rush to fill my time with activities and distractions trying to squash the feelings of loneliness.
So what's a woman to do? I don't know. I think I have to be with my feelings and allow them room to tell me what is happening. I think I have to accept the fact that I am lonely and that I don't have to force myself to get over it. I do have to move forward, but perhaps moving forward is being still.
I do know that I have to give this my attention. And if I want a grand life, it requires that I address my pain. I also know that I am resilient and have come too far to be derailed.