Am I sick and tired of the current state of my life? Maybe, probably, yes. It is a whole lot of stuff rolled into one gigantic insurmountable snowball! I am annoyed at other people's happiness. I am standing in my yard and I can see the grass is definitely greener over on the other side.
I know this funky mood will pass. Right now I need to rant. I need to bitch, moan, kvetch, scream and whine. And yes cry a river of tears.
I had a thought today that I couldn't shake. I miss being married (not my husband...a husband) The thing I miss about being married is having someone to talk to...really talk to. Someone who has read some of the stuff I have. Likes the same stuff I like, or is at least open to exploring and sharing. I am lonely and the guy I just spent two years with was a decent substitute for what I wanted and that's perhaps why we didn't work. I knew we didn't click well enough. I thought perhaps I was being haughty and outrageous in my desires, so I tried him on. I thought if he satisfies some other needs, perhaps that ought to be enough for me to settle in. It was not. He deserves someone who isn't fighting to stop looking over his shoulder for someone else who could be the one. All this time I thought it was him who was distant. But it was me that was skiddish and uncertain all along and he knew it and tried to wait me out, hoping I would grow to love him. He hung around to see if I would see him and want him truly. He loves me. I see that now, after he has moved away.
I am lonely. Sigh. Heave. Tears. Uggh.
I am lonely. Now what do I do?