Geting Ready...Paying My Debt to Society

Yesterday there was blurb in the newspaper about my upcoming federal sentencing. Of course it was sensational and inaccurate and it wasn't on the front page.. so I am assuming my interest factor is waning. I had no idea it was in the paper until my girlfriend called me. I would have been happier not knowing it. There is a chance that I will go to jail for a period of time. I have over the years tried not to lose sight of this possibility. It is haunting and almost crippling to me that I may go to jail for committing a crime. Embezzling money from a non profit created to help poor people is shameful. My only saving grace and there is saving grace, is that this will not go on forever. There is an end point. Someday this will be a part of my past. I already know life goes on, it is going on as I write. So I have decided not to give this anymore space in my brain than it already occupies. As my dear friend Ron likes to remind me "no matter what happens you're going to be alright." I believe that. Worrying about things that are out of my control is at best stupid. So what has changed in the last 24 hours since the story hit the papers again. NOTHING. My life today is the same as it was yesterday. Tomorrow takes care of itself.

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The Mother-Daughter Thing

My oldest daughter is 10. She started her menstrual cycle two days ago. I was completely floored by this. So much so that I haven't been to my blog since the wee hours of Tuesday AM. Now I was planning for "Our Talk" sometime after she turned 12 or 13. OK, I was so way off and totally unprepared. I mean I have been compiling a "Girl Kit" for a while. Well my plans have changed and I am in Super Mom mode. We are having our Girls Night out on Friday to have a mother-daughter talk. I believe and hope that this is the beginning of a harmonious mother-daughter thing. All though if memory serves me correctly, I fell in and out of love with my mother pretty often during my tween and teen years. Hell if truth be told we found common ground when I grew-up--around my late 20's, early 30's. Anyway, I think I got this at least I hope so. This is a big deal in a girl's life and I want to do a good job. Wish me luck...I may need it.

True Love Tuesday: I am the one that I want

I had an ephinany. You know the kind that allows for a few moments of the greatest clarity to illuminate your path. I had one in regards to this whole "My husband is leaving me"mess. In one moment I got it! I am no longer focusing on him, he is no longer the center of my thinking. I am not going to try to win him back, instead, I am going to win me back! My sister Lo keeps reminding me, "Girl this is an opportunity that you can't just pass by--the universe is working on your behalf...let it" And she is right. I have found my center and it ain't him. I am going to woo me. I am going to pamper me. I am going to fall in love with me. Here is my poem that I think sets the tone for my new found resolve:

I love you

less

as each day

goes by

I love you less

everyday that you are away

I love you less

everyday that you are

not here

I love you less

until soon

I won't love you

at all.

My Turn Up at Bat: Awaiting Federal Sentencing

I am not going to talk about the specifics of my federal case. I am going to talk about my feelings thus far. I seem to be making progress in making peace with this. I have worried my self sick about what could happen, what might happen and what to do if the worst case scenario plays out. This process is a very lonely business. There is no way to talk about this without people going into automatic reassuring mode. I am grateful for that, however I am still alone with my thoughts on the matter. I don't think of myself as a villain, and I long since given up labeling my self as wretched. What I am doing is thinking about what the next phase of my life will be. I am just now beginning to think about my future. The last 4 1/2 of years was filled with anxiety about my case, pleading guilty and now awaiting sentencing. It has been a very long process and it has taken me this long to make some peace with all of it. Today, I am not so concerned with worst case scenario. I am optimistic by nature--a romantic often. As I said today, I am not worrying about worst case anything.

I love the weekends

I do not have a job. So you would think that everyday was like the weekend for me. So let me set the record straight: THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE WEEKEND! I swear, I look forward to Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays with all the same passion as I did when I worked a full time gig. There is something relaxing and exciting about staring down the weekend. I love the feeling of a Saturday morning with the whole day in front of me. I usually pile the kids into my mommy whip (Ebonics for minivan) our ritual is one of them will ask Mommy where are going? and we say in unison "Wherever the day takes us!" and off we go to shop (window shop), putter around, check a museum, explore a park, whatever the mood suggests. I know I ought to do some laundry or clean something, but I just can't bring myself to adopt that nasty habit, besides there are perfectly good other days of the week for housekeeping. So off I go to finish my weekend.

My Sister Lo

My Sister Lo, is an amazing woman. She has a mathematical brain, so she thinks very logically about things. Where I am always consumed by emotions she steps in and points out another perspective. I am talking about my sister today because she is my touch stone and these last few years while I am in the midst of life-changing events and circumstances, she has talked me through, cuddled me, sent me money, sent me notes, made laugh and let me cry all without judgement. I love her because there is no choice but to love her, we are blood-bone thick. So to all those with a sister, a good girlfriend, a cut-buddy, a running partner, an angel in your corner, congrats! My life is bearable and brighter because she helps make it so.

True Love Tuesday: Choosing Joy

In the last week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. My husband's decision to move out was at best horrendous to my soul. However if truth be told, I asked him to leave in a mean and nasty way. Yes, I am owning this. Not only did I ask him to leave, but I did not cook a decent Father's Day meal. I just was so mad that I didn't care. So taking a page from Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, I have decided to handle things differently. I love my husband deeply and he is at a crossroads in his life just as I am. So rather than fight with me, he thought it best to put some space between us. I am not in agreement with this, but it is what it is. I woke this morning with a completely different attitude and the universe responded. In the span of 24 hours I have returned my home and family back to a sense of harmony and love. I kissed and hugged my husband and I laughed with my children. This is the woman I want to be--happy and joyous and full of gratitude.

Standing Still

I have decided nothing except to stand still. My husband is moving out--and refuses to call his new home, his home--he refers to it as the apt on blank street. My children are OK, but I know they are afraid, so I am doing my best to keep up a brave front. I don't think its a bad thing for kids to get a glimpse of Mom and Dad tugging it out--as long as they see some positive resolution (I don't mean physical stuff, I mean raised voices, but without bad language). As I said I am standing still. Today I am standing still, I wish I could say like a redwood, or a sycamore, grand and regal. I am standing still because there is nothing else to do. I have to let God do the handiwork. I must allow the universe to work on my behalf. I have to get out of my own way. I am standing still.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Any day now I will be summoned to court to deal with my bankruptcy and foreclosure. Never in my life have I felt so helpless and all alone. I feel like I have exhausted all avenues, I don't know what else to do except wait. I would be fine if I didn't have 4 little kids all under the age of 10. My dear husband has secured housing for himself. So I have an apartment application to fill out and I dread doing it. 1) I hate that I have to give up my house--although I am looking on the bright side--I am starting over. 2) My credit is terrible. and 3) I'll think of that later. My car will be repossessed any day now, BUT I did go out and get a minivan for pennies! I am so proud of myself, no payments all mine! Mind you I have to pray that this baby stays in good shape for awhile. I must say I do feel very calm as though I know things will be alright. I swear I believe it and feel it! I am keeping the faith...that I will make all the right decisions for me and my kids. It's just us now and although my husband proclaims to the heavens that he will help and support, I know he has already proven that he isn't trustworthy, just by virtue of him leaving in the midst of all the drama and uncertainty he leaves. So maybe I have my decision in that area as well. Yep, God's got my back!

"Myth of the Angry Black Woman"

I came across an article on the Modern Matriach blog/website (I couldn't link it here--sorry I know this sucks--but you can find it on the Blogher.com site under gender talk) that I thought was interesting. Of course I responded...no not as an angry Black Woman, although on occasion I have been just that. Anyway, I believe myself to be a feminist. I love women, I love being a woman, I think women are great and ought to be challenged and rewarded just like any other human being on the planet. What pains me is that, as a Black Woman, a Woman of Color if you will, is that I am not so certain our views are clearly portrayed. Here is my opinion to the article:
The Bridge between race and gender…Black Women. We are often made to choose between being Black and being Women. But the choice is only important if there is something at stake…Clinton vs. Obama in 08′. Or lest we forget that Black Women had hard choices to make in regards of the Black Panthers, this was a modern classic case of Black Women having to choose their Blackness over their Womanhood for the sake of the race. What would be most illuminating and ground-breaking if all those well-healed intellectuals/feminist and other pro-womanist
groups/organizations and or clubs, would simply ask Black Women
where they feel they fall in or out of this discussion. I say, as does Paula
Giddings…”When and Where I enter, so does the Race”
My point is I am always Black and I am always a woman. There is nothing mystical or magical about this. It just is and I like it. Sometimes I am angry at Black Men, Black Women, Black Children--Black People. And yet I love Black Me, Black Women, Black Children and my anger turns to care and concern. That's the part nobody talks about or shares. Our angry is not solely out of frustration of a system that done us wrong. Our anger is about caring so much and feeling powerless to overcome everyday, 24/7. Ok maybe this ought to be under my soapbox label for today's post.

The Possibility of a Soul on Ice

On 9/11/06 I stood before a Federal Judge and pleaded guilty to One Count of Misappropriation of Federal Funds for a Federal Program. I embezzled a little less than $50,000. from a nonprofit that I was the Executive Director of from 9/01 to 6/03. I am awaiting sentencing. That's it. I wish I could talk more candidly about this, at the moment I cannot, I dare not. I will say this has been the third hardest thing I had ever endured in the 44 years of my life. The first being raped by my father as a child and sold for sex by my father. The second hardest thing was the surprise passing of my mother. Through all this uncertainty and sadness, I remain optimistic about the world and my place in it. I love being a mother, and I love being a wife. I love life. Don't get me wrong there have been times when I certainly didn't feel like this, but I have decided to choose happiness. I decided that I want to be happy. I have no idea what will happen to me, I have placed this in God's hands and I feel free to dream and ponder and imagine a new start for myself and my family. Someday this will be behind me, and until then I will meet it head on armed with the support of loving friends and family. In the words of the great one..

"Don't worry about a thing...every little thing is gonna be alright"...Bob Marley

Black Women:The Bridge Between Race and Gender

I love politics. I LOVE POLITICS. I know a lot of folks who hate it, but not me. I was elected to local office twice ( I resigned halfway through my second term--scandal). First off there is nothing more noble than serving in public office. Every decision I made as a legislator was personal. I took everything to heart. I cared about everything and I knew that just about every issue was connected to somebody. So with all that said, I am extremely delighted about the upcoming presidential race. I love Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. This poses a unique challenge for me. Because I am, after all an African American woman, a Black mother no less. What will I do. Hhmm...I do know I will wait and watch and listen. I wish I was more sophisticated in my approach and I wish I could discuss this with an intellectual passion. I just know how I feel and being an exiled politician I know better than to put all my eggs into one basket. My over arching question is this: Will Black women support a woman or will we support a Black man? There is a lot of time to speculate, poll and of course guess.

True Love Tueday: Love Supreme

I love my husband. And the fact that he is leaving us--or more truly putting space between he and I is very illuminating to me. I don't feel like it's the beginning of the end. I love him and he loves me. So rather than listen to all the voices and opinions about what I should do. I am going to do what I want to do. I am going to fight to win him back and bring him home. Perhaps I am a fool. But he is my lighthouse, my rock and my love. I am not ready to give that up. He is the cool breeze on a summer day, he is my lemonade, my dry martini, he is all that is near and dear to me. I am owning my miss-steps in this marriage. He is my best friend and he doesn't realize it and I never said it and I never acknowledged it. But he is. He is. So I am going to try my best to save this marriage and rebuild this family. What God Has joined together let no man put as sunder.

Keeping the Faith or up on my Soapbox

I am an optimist for sure. I rather be happy even in the midst of turmoil. I deliberately choose happiness. That is after I drag myself out of my funks. I have always been good at picking myself up after I get knocked on my butt. And believe me you, I am knocked on my butt. My life is a mess, I mean a mess of gigantic proportions. Hell, if I told people my tale of woe no one would believe me. And yet here I am with my whole life crumbling around me and no end in sight. Really no end in sight. But there is a place in my soul that can feel better days ahead. Now it is small and on first glance you wouldn't notice it. But it is there and I am reminded of it throughout the course of the day. It is my Sister calling from NJ at just the right time, it is my dearest friend Ron calling to take me out for drinks, or my best girlfriend Bette in Seattle sending me a silly ditty. God is working on me, with me and for me. I know it, I feel it. My youngest daughter Margeaux is truly God's direct gift to me--as are the other three, but she in the middle of the night will wake-up and call me "Mommy I need you" and I know in that moment that it's God reminding me of who I am. I am certain of it. God has got my back and I know it. I have always known it. So while my life hurts now and man does it hurt, it won't last forever. I will live sweeter soon. I am keeping the faith.

Stopping all the damned crying

OK, I must say tears are not my strong suit. But since my marriage is ending, I have been crying all the time. Well today is LIBERATION DAY! I am done with the tears. He--my husband has walked out and left us. His explanation is bull***t and I, for one, am tired of hearing it. Sure life can be hard and at times it feels like the ground is opening up around you. But guess what you grab onto what you can and hold on, and if you have enough strength...and I do, you climb up and out. So enough already, he has made his decision and I can't wait for the change of mind--which I know will come eventually. But what I have realized in just 24 hours is that I love me, and I love who I have become and I know I have a lot of stuff to deal with (pending sentencing, bankruptcy, foreclosure and most importantly 4 children who need me) So running out is not an option, nor do I want it to be. Because as all my good friends have reminded me, this too will pass and the good times will be all the more sweeter. Of course the ending of my marriage is hurting, it is a pain that is unimaginable, but I do know that it won't hurt forever and I have lots to do. So all the damned tears are on hold for a more worthy and deserving occasion. And in the meantime, I've some transforming to do.

It's always Monday and other trials of weight loss

Shout Out to My Peeps at http://www.sparkpeople.com/ This site is the coolest for free online diet support. You can track what you eat, you can get a customized menu, you can track your exercise, you can track your water intake. And if that's not a enough there are thousands of like-minded folks ready and willing to support you in your weight loss effort. I joined because my Sister on-line support group member turned us on to this site. I love it. I can get recipes and exercise techniques all right there. So it is possible to get weight loss support--God knows I need it. I joined in January and to date I have lost 16 lbs and that's being lax and half-ass about diet and exercise, so imagine if I really kicked it up a notch. Losing weight is a big deal--no pun intended. I wasn't born fat, nor was I a fat kid. I got fat right out of college and it's been an up hill battle ever since. The good news is, I used to be an athlete and my body remembers--which is good cause I am banking on that! I hit the gym everyday for at least 45 minutes of cardio and I have added strength training--which I love. I got tired of starting a new diet every Monday, to only fail by Thursday. Tracking meals and water intake and exercise makes me more mindful of what I eat and when and of course why. That my friend is priceless. This is my last year being FAT.

Marriage Diary: Vol 1 Thursday night

So he is leaving. A great part of me is relieved. And another part is sad. Because I believed in the death do us part, and happily ever after. I thought I knew him, really knew him from my soul. It was a grand affair, a love story that would stand the test of time. But I was wrong. I am wrong. He wants out and I can't figure out why and when did it all go wrong. I certainly can't remember or figure out. Our life seemed good to me. Yes, we have some drama now, but I know this too shall pass. Enough with the whining. I have 4 kids to think about and I have to keep it together. Whatever illusion I was holding onto no longer exists. He wants out and I am obliged to let him go. He is weak and doesn't deserve a woman like me. I am fun, and full of life. I am pretentious and uncommon. So "I say go--walk out the door your not wanted here anymore. Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye, did you think I'd crumble did you think I would lay down and die --oh no not I , I will survive as along as I know how to love, I'll know I'll stay alive, cause I got all my life to live and all my love to give I WILL SURVIVE"...Gloria Gaynor

In the meantime

It is very difficult for me not having a job. I have always had a job. When I was a kid, I ironed baskets of clothes for money. I did pretty well for myself. So this waiting and waiting for the other shoe to drop is painful. I have decided in the meantime, in between time, that I would focus my energy on creating a new life for myself. I am thinking that I will excavate my inner-self and get a better handle of who I am. I know this all sounds well and good, but really what does it mean? Well for one, it is about self analysis--really looking at myself and then focusing my energy on my future and my goals. I have discovered "The Secret" and the "laws of Attraction" I am intrigued by the whole idea of the vibrations we set off into the universe. This concept really gives a name to what I knew to be true--that whatever you have on your mind becomes your reality. That you control your destiny. And this does not take away from my God consciousness--as a matter of fact, it is in alignment with my Christian faith. You are no good to anyone if you are in despair, and chaos. So I am moving forward on this path. My path of transformation, that will no doubt take me further on my life's journey. So in the meantime, I begin with being grateful for all that I have in this moment.

Marriage Diary Vol 1: My mariage at the moment

I met and married my husband in a whirlwind within 5 months of meeting. We met in May of 1995, he moved in June 1995, we were married October 1995. It has been a grand love affair, one that I thought would stand the test of time. We adopted 4 children, we travelled all over the place together, we got through graduate school, we lived through family deaths, and happiness and job changes, political aspirations and elections and buying and selling of homes. But right now we are in a tough place. One that is challenging us both. I can't say what the real root of it all. I know a great deal is due in part to all the drama I bring to the table at the moment--awaiting sentencing for a federal crime (1 count misappropriation of federal funds for a federal program). And the fact that I am bankrupt, unemployed and again, awaiting sentencing. That's a lot to ask someone to endure along with you. He seemed to be handling things well, but recently he has been distant and a bit mean-spirited and easily set-off. So we are each in separate counseling sessions trying to hold this marriage and family together. We are working hard. I have started reading a few books on marriage and the like and I find them to be quite helpful. We are sweet and tender with each other and we are still making love--which is nice and never was a problem--although I will say I would like it more often! But nonetheless we are trying.
I don't know what the end result will be. I know I am determined to see it through. I feel connected to him--he is without a doubt my one true love. I am not so sure I have done a good job of conveying that over the years. It is baffling to me, that he doesn't know or believe I think the world of him. He is the best part of my thoughts and I am happiest when he is just hanging around the house. This would be too great a loss for me. However I do come from strong stock, so whatever the end game is, I certainly will be OK...in time.

I should never try to post in the early evenings!

Having 4 children is like have a herd of buffalo--50 strong! Dinner is done and now the wind down begins. Because 2 of the 4 are on punishment their bedtimes are considerably earlier than normal. God I need a chilled glass of wine--preferably a Shiraz! And I shall have one when the last little head hits the pillow at about 8:30 pm. Trust me I will not attempt to blog while the house is in full swing--it doesn't work! So I will be back in the wee hours.

Love,
Babz

So here goes:

It is 4:58 am. I love this hour just before daybreak. The house is quiet. I can actually focus on my thoughts and feelings. Raising 4 children is exhausting, fun and well exhausting. My first thought about blogging my life was one of sheer terror. But I find myself drawn to it. So this is my maiden voyage. I am not so sure I should just spill out everything. I feel like I am on a first date. You the know the rules of a first date---don't tell all your business. A girl has to have some mystery. And also I think blogging will be healing. I have a lot of wounds and scars. I am hoping that like-minded souls will share their thoughts. I am not looking to get beat-up or beat-down. Nor do I want stranger's condemnation of my choices. Hell, nobody can dole out self-loathing better than me---I own that! So I am sitting at my desktop, watching the sun creep over the neighborhood and feeling pretty good...pretty good indeed.