Be Back in 2016!

2015 was filled with all kinds of exciting and painful revelations! Of course I got to do some amazing things... Drive my oldest daughter off to college! Be a speaker at BlogHer2015 in NYC this past summer. I got a Legendary Woman award. And I am working with great authors who are crafting their first books. Oh I am so thrilled!

But the Universe is calling me to take a closer look at my life, My health is in need of my attention. Seriously. I need to really discern moving forward... Where am I going? What am I doing? I feel like I ought to cue Diana Ross and the theme from Mahogany.... Do you know Where you're going to? I think I did that a few years ago! This blog is my salvation and touchstone. I have big dreams. I intend to see them to fruition. I intend to live them. But right now I need a break.

A break is needed to attend to my dreams. My health and to my desires to be all that I can be in the years remaining of this life. I am excited about 2016!

Thank you to all who follow this little blog. Those of you who concern yourselves with my story. Thank you! Thank YOU! Thank YOU!

Merry Christmas! Temptations - Silent Night

Most Of Us Need A Love Sounding Board! By William Spivey, Guest Blogger

One of the coolest things about social media and the world wide web is you can meet people who just connect with you in unimaginable ways. I have been most fortunate to have met a great many folks who have added to the the beauty and abundance of my life. Folks who have become as dear to me as my everyday-in-my-face family-and-friends. William Spivey is definitely one of those people. He penned this post as my guest on my blog. After one of our great and illuminating conversations he suggested I write about the worth and value of having a sounding board in matters of love... No, I said, you write about it. And so he did and here it is:

Most of us Need a Love Sounding Board!

Love is hard to get right under the best of circumstances. Unless you’re one of the ones that meets the love of your life on the first try and you somehow manage to grow at relatively the same pace and communicate well enough to overcome the obstacles of life. You’re likely to fail at least once and in some cases often before getting it right if ever.

One thing women are somewhat better than men at is having a sounding board to share some of their trials and tribulations and get advice to consider beside their own counsel. I’m going to attempt to walk a thin line here and generalize about both men and women by saying women often seek counsel from the wrong sources while men often choose to go it alone. Neither method has a good track record of success. 

The optimum solution is to find your love sounding board that helps you work through your situation and is looking for the best resolution for you as opposed to them. With that in mind I have a few tips for choosing your love sounding board. They may be someone you already know well. The rationale for that is that hopefully they know you pretty well also and can make suggestions based on a working knowledge of your likes and dislikes and as important your history which if left to your own devices you are likely to repeat.

    
In a seeming contradiction your sounding board may be almost a complete stranger or         someone you only know through social media. Your sounding board to be effective must ask some deeply personal questions and it’s sometimes easier to communicate openly with someone you’ve never met as opposed to someone you have to look in the eye every day.

     

     They should ask you questions and lead you to examining and making your own choices as opposed to only telling you what you should do. Some sounding boards have their own agenda and/or strong beliefs and end up not helping you to determine what’s best for you but instead tell you what they would do in a similar situation.

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     They should be able to keep a confidence. If it’s someone you already know well they have already demonstrated whether they have that ability. They have told you who they are… believe them. A stranger that has no contact with your circle of friends may seem safe but in these days of Twitter, Instagram and Facebook it still pays to be discerning.

  

      Start slow. You don’t need to reveal your deepest secrets or fears in your first discussion although if you never reveal them you may be blocking the benefits you hoped to achieve. Ultimately there will come a time for truth telling if you want real help with your relationship concerns.

It might seem with all that I’ve mentioned that it might be best to forego a sounding board altogether and work things out yourself. You could start by asking yourself how well keeping everything to yourself has worked for you in the past? People both men and women like what they like and without an intervention are likely to repeat the same patterns over and over. My weakness was cheerleader types and I found myself attracted to pretty but relatively self-centered women that put their own interests and needs far above my own. Until someone pointed that out to me I never realized it and I submit that each of you have some pattern you are following that might not be in your best interest.

My sounding board asks me tough questions which I sometimes avoid initially but it is in discovering the answers where growth and change occur. While I have great male friends the best advice I get comes from the opposite sex which may or may not work for each of you. She asks me what I want, what is my plan, is it likely to succeed? Sometimes I go down a different path which results in the same questions put in different ways; is that what you want, is this part of your plan, will this choice make you happy?

I was (past tense) the type to go it totally on my own in love matters. I kept choosing the same type of woman which initially may have fed my ego but ultimately didn’t make me happy. Left to my own devices I’d be seeking the next cheerleader that ultimately wasn’t the best match for my personality. If going it alone hasn’t gotten you where you want to be. Seek out a sounding board that can help you redirect yourself by asking the pertinent questions that allow you to examine your own patterns and hopefully make the changes that will lead you to your relationship goal.

William Spivey happily lives in Orlando, Florida and can be found on Facebook or emailed at wspiv001@aol.com

Tis the Season of Masking

The cry for help is not HEY HELP ME! The cry for help often shows up like "I'm FINE!", "Oh no everything is good", "No, really I am fine", "Don't worry about me", or you make plans in advance to attend an event/party/activity and then decide you can't go for no good reason... This is the season of disappearing. The season of merry merry happy happy just not for you. And when I say you, I mean me. This is about me and how I am experiencing my life right now.

In all this celebratory reds and golds and silver tinsel and lights, and lights and more lights, I am finding myself blue. Intensely blue. Dangerously blue. Blue which is code for depressed. I am in this season of depression and I find myself doing more to mask my sadness than ever before.

Masking is being inauthentic, it is not walking in my truth. it is about putting on a front as to not alarm loved ones, so as to not have the focus be on me, to come from under the bright lights, to allow for others to shine, while I hold on and be present. My presence is needed and if I am smiling everyone else will smile. This is the season of Merry Merry Happy Happy. Tis the season of masking.

There are of course pockets of joy and surprise in each day. I love Christmas. This is the season of mystery and wonder and hope. This year just seems harder for me than usual. Perhaps my wants are greater than my reality. I could make a list, but I won't because it just feels like giving in and giving too much energy to that. Old wounds are itching, begging for my attention.

What to do? I am not without tools... a deep treasure chest of tools for just this kind of crossroads

1.  Make time to sit quietly and be still
2. Read devotionals and other sacred inspirational words and poetry
3. Keep a Prayer journal
4. Get to Church and fellowship
5. Cut myself some slack and use kind words to myself
6. Seek opportunities to laugh more
7. Sleep fully
8. Eat good food, leave junk food alone
9. Listen to uplifting soul music
10. Pay attention to all the things that are going well
11. Allow those that love me to take care of me
12. Be kinder to myself
13. Be kinder to myself
14. Be kinder to myself
15. Be kinder to myself

I HAVE WON! FINISHED! HOORAY!

51,191 words!

NaNoWriMo2015 is MINE!

NaNoWriMo 2015 YES! The 7th Year Is The Charm

Yes. Again. For the 7th year. I am in. NaNoWriMo 2015 

So for the next 30 days I won't be here. I'll be there. Writing a novel within a month.

Cheer for me. Pray for me.

I am finishing this year! I swear it!

On Another Note... Freedom Of A Different Sort

When I was newly divorced it seemed like my whole world was dumped upside down on top of all the other mess I was dealing with, I thought my marriage was on solid ground. I couldn't believe it when I realized it wasn't. I didn't see divorce coming. Couldn't accept it. After it was finalized it took me about a year to not feel "still married" and another 2 years before I could actually date someone... be seen naked... enjoy sex. Eventually I did. It was hard and sad. So sad I started a support group for folks in various stages of divorce. Anyway, this ain't about that. (Oh my ex was married within a year of our divorce)

When I thought I was in love a few years ago with "The Potential Mr. Babz" it was a little different.... We'd break up... Reconnect... break up. He was like a bad habit. Seriously. I've always carried this fantasy that we were destined for each other. And in some respects we were. I was destined to learn some very valuable lessons that widened my spiritual path. I put up with a lot of bullshit and manipulation from him. I allowed him to dishonor my peace of mind. Then one day I had enough. I pushed him out of my house, out of my life and out of my heart. I blocked his calls, returned his letters and notes, and just went on about my life. Started dating and enjoying being out and about... well almost (That's a whole other story). The point is, I moved on from "him"

Yesterday "he" texted me from another number... This bullshit "I miss my friend... I've been praying for you since you were 14 years old, I have loved you always"  Oh and he threw in some french words. Mutherfucker please.

I was not moved. My heart didn't do flips. My mind didn't wander to past intimate moments. I did not entertain any "what ifs"  I AM FREE! He no longer has any influence or power over my heart and mind. The fantasy of us is in the ether. He is no longer my fantasy. He hasn't been for many years. I was fooling myself, trying to recreate what I thought I lost in my marriage. I was kidding myself making decisions based on being lonely. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted to prove that I was a good catch. And that's how I ended up spending 3 years of my life with that nut. He was never my friend. He was an emotional bully. He was fiscally and spiritually draining. He was never concerned about my well being, he brought me more stress and drama to my life than I have ever had in any relationship pre and post marriage. He was a reflection of my state of being.... A mess. I had no business trying to jump into "Happily Ever After" with him or anybody else for that matter at that time.

It's been about 2 1/2 years since his exit. I am FREE. Really FREE to invite in love that I am truly destined for. Yesterday was like the universe saying Gurl go get you some good love!

In spite of all the uncertainty in my life at the moment, no matter how lost I am, I remain always hopeful about the possibility of true love falling on me. I unequivocally cannot go back for more where there was only LESS! That guy was LESS!

Oh and yes that new number he texted from? BLOCKED!

Dark Night Of My Soul..

I live with this acute awareness of pain... Hurt... Echoing of past, present and maybe future wounds.
From every direction I am overwhelmed with shit. I don't know how to get through any of it. I don't know what to do. I truly do not know what to do. I am weary of talking. I am wearing of lamenting what ails me. I am weary of my life.

Everything hurts. Everything brings its own sense of unhappiness, This is real drowning and fear and overwhelm. It's as if no one sees that I am drowning because I look like I am swimming. And maybe that's my fault. I've handled sadness and disappointment so well, that no one associates that with me... I've made the handling of my pain seamless.

This isn't a cross road, or a fork in the road. I am absolutely lost. And not only am I lost, I have no desire to fight for anything. Nothing. I am tired of everything and everyone. I am operating at the bare minimum.

It is said that things get worse before they are better... Maybe this is my worse into better moment. Maybe this my time to wrestle for my soul. Maybe this is desolation for me. I am just waiting for everything to crash down upon me. I can't seem to think my way clear of anything. I can't seem to behave my way through any of it. I feel like I am pretending all the time.

I am not without tools. I am not without resources. I am not without loving caring family and friends. I am better than most. What I am is tired. Weary. Disillusioned and ashamed that I am any of this.

Off to bed I go. Rest is prayer. A good night's sleep is prayer. Good music that moves the soul is prayer. Deliberate peaceful thoughts is prayer. Breathing is prayer.

Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date Me or Marry Me... and Yes, I'm Giving Up Dating

I suck at dating. I mean I really suck. I keep showing up as my authentic self and nobody digs it. 

I show up open and honest and that's not how it goes.... That not how any of this goes.

Date after date, I get the same Dear Babz, I like you BUT....  I am baffled. I am perplexed. I am 52! I am not 22, or 32 or 42! I can't play coy. I can't play stupid. I can't keep smiling and nodding and being dim. What the fuck! I have a life. I am doing shit. I have projects. Why is that a problem? 

Last night a Brother told me: I think you are amazing... Pretty... No outright beautiful... You are smart... Witty and sexy as hell. But I can't be in your shadow. I'm being straight up honest. We could be friends though. Now mind you we've gone out, we've had long deep conversations. We flirted, we kissed (not the best kiss, but enough to work on it).

I said OK and hung up. And then I cried and cried. Now I know he did me a favor. I know he is full of shit. I know he doesn't deserve me. I know all the intellectual stuff. But still... It's like being the last kid picked for kickball.... and honestly I wasn't that kid ever.  

So here's my list of why any guy shouldn't date me in no particular order of importance:

1. I like to kiss a lot

2. I have a big laugh that's deep and throaty and husky

3. I wake up happy and more than likely will want to have sex

4. I can cook... like a BOSS, Oh and I can pair wine with a meal with ease.

5. My musical tastes is off the chain... From old skool R&B to independent Hip-Hop

6. Jazz is my first LOVE

7. I am learning to speak FRENCH... have you ever had french words whispered in your ear while you are thrusting deeply?

8. I like to be alone... Without you.

9. I have solid friends who like to kick it with me and will read your ass if you try to interrupt our flow

10. I have kids who require my full attention

11. I will often speak in movie dialogue... The Godfather, Good Fellas, Friday, Friday after Next, Oh the list is long and varied

12. I am not always going to be GLAMMED UP... meaning I am more apt to be in a big t-shirt and granny panties than thongs, and garters

13. I love football...Get me a beer and be quiet.

14. When I'm working, I'm working

15. I like to shop alone.

16. Have your own hobbies... I'm not your entertainment

17. I read a lot. If you don't then know you are about to be kicked to the curb

18. I'm not checking your cellphone, your email, or social media accounts

19. I don't do baby-mama drama, ex-wife drama, drama of any sort.

20. When we are out don't take it personal if I don't introduce you... It is purely about me not remembering other people... Introduce yourself and be OK if I leave you alone.

Here's my new thing.... I am giving up dating. I am taking down all my dating profiles, I am telling all my dear friends to stop looking on my behalf. I am DONE!

It's not worth it to me anymore. I am tired. I am disilussioned and weary. So, I'm out the game! That's it. That's it. I live a full life already. My attention is required on other matters. This can't be a focus anymore. 

Every and All Blaxploitation films

The Care of Me...

It's time for a break. I am too EXTRA. And by extra, I mean TIRED.

I know how loaded October (Both parents birthdays, Mothers death anniversary, My wedding anniversary, adoption anniversary, prison time served, award received) is for me. I thought I could just press on. But I am tired of pressing on.

I am tired. Battle fatigued. And unbelievably lonely.

This was my Facebook post... It wrote itself...

We have to make room for fragility. We cannot be strong all the time. And We cannot put that limitless expectation on ourselves. I have to be allowed to fall to the ground sobbing. I have to be allowed to wallow in the deep end of pain, I have to allow myself permission to surrender to the truth of how bad I hurt. And how lonely I am. I am tired of being the beggar of peace and joy and connection. #BabzMatters

I need some quiet time, otherwise I am going to die.

I can't seem to get out from under things. I seem to keep going around and around. The same struggles. Always the same struggles. What the fuck am I doing wrong? What lesson(s) am I not getting, because I swear, I've been in this place before. I know enough that the lesson is repeated until it's learned.

There is so much good happening and yet I seem to be getting farther and farther away from the things I want... The life I want. How is this possible? Is this failure?  Am I failing in my life? It feels like it. I can't seem to stop crying. The aloneness is deafening.

How do I take care of me? I used to know. But now I am just drowning and drifting further away from the things that sustained and nurtured me.

Time to take better care of me. Tune out and turn off the noise. I don't know what I can do about the loneliness... But I certainly can rejuvenate, rest and reconnect back to myself. Yes, that is needed.

The Unworthiness Devil Rears It's Ugly Head

I am in a pivotal moment in my life. There is so much going on. Some old haunts and new blessings. I have more tools in my tool box to handle my life than at any point in my life. New people have entered. Some old folks have departed. This is the ebb and flow of my life. Epiphanies abound. God is still speaking and the view from here is vast and lovely.

What do I want? Is that the question? Should I reexamine what I want? There is a steadiness I crave that I want along side the adventure. Does that make sense? Here's another question... Am I being realistic? And am I asking for too much? Why the fuck am I even questioning asking for too much? Ahhh, the invasive unworthiness devil rears its ugly head. And when I say asking for too much, this spans across my life and all the dreams of who I want to be moving forward.

Perhaps I should be glad to have the wherewithal to reexamine the questions I answered long ago. Things have changed. I am different than say even last year. Reexamining the questions of who am I and what do I want  has become my touch stone and ongoing dialogue of asking and seeking answers; my check in point. I am coming to understand that this is where I get to defeat the whispers of unworthiness. This is where I stay in emotional shape. By simply asking  what do I want? And by asking, I am allowing the truth to emerge. I am all about the truth in whatever that may be or turns into or shows up as.

I have fully embraced the need for clarity, especially in matters of my heart. I am not guessing or supposing anything. I am clear. In that clarity, unworthiness can show up and undue the desires if I am not paying attention to my own heart and mind. Stillness and the need for deliberated practiced stillness restores me back to standing in my truth. I am worthy of every damn thing I want. I am worthy of every long held wish, dream, desire, and fantasy.  For me, the key is holding onto this knowledge and allowing it to be nurtured in my soul. Yes. I am worthy  with every breath I take.

If Health Is My Wealth... Then I Am Bankrupt (But Not For Long)

My life is always speaking to me. I have over the years been learning to listen to it. I have excelled and thrived in so many areas of my life... Except for two... Health and Romantic Love.

Oddly enough they are linked. I know this because I had another epiphany about how I am living. My state of being is a reflection of my state of being. I am not well. And I see slivers of hope in my romantic life as the tides changing in my favor. I am more open to love falling on me than at any time in my life. I like the woman I am becoming every minute... Open... Vulnerable... Giving... Solid...Fierce.. Beautiful. I know that someone will be my partner, I no longer have any doubts or worries or whatevers about that. They will show up just as I am showing up in my life... Ready.

My health is another story...

...There is evidence of a mild mild stroke the cardiologist says... We think it's caused by undiagnosed  diabetes.... We need to put you on additional medications... We need to take blood tests weekly for about a month. You need to get that weight off. You won't live long if you continue like this... If you do nothing at all. What do you want to do?

I sat on this for a couple of weeks. I just picked up the meds a few days ago after both Doctors called... They know I am afraid.. They know I am tired... They know I am stressed and worn thin. Yes, I let them sit at the pharmacy because I am afraid to go left or right or up or down. I just told my sister Lo a few days ago. I told my minister the other day. I told a man I have some romantic interest in. I need to tell myself. The telling of folks seems out of body for me and I can't seem to figure out what to say about any of this.

I have not been feeling well for a very long time. I have been resistant to getting my blood work done because I knew something was up. I seem to always be fighting some fucking battle and in saying that I can feel the taste of ingratitude on my lips. I am grateful that I can fight all these battles... God has been on my side all of my life.

So where am I now? Well, I am preparing to win. I can do this. I have done so many other hard things. I'm taking peeks at my future and where I see myself heading and I like what I imagine for myself. So while I am bankrupt healthwise at the moment, this is not the place I plan to stay.

Let the fighting back begin. I am a WINNER!

Lover. Soul Mate. Husband.

Some years ago I crafted a Love List (Check my archives)... 100 things I wanted in a Soul Mate. Fast forward almost a decade to a more manageable downsized Love List. 11 Things I need in a Lover, Soul Mate, Husband. I am planning to get married again, which means I am planning to be purposeful in my dating life. I am planning to chose more wisely. It begins with clarity about what it is I value in myself and in someone intimately connected to me.

Hey Universe I am putting it out there!

Integrity. 
Be impeccable with your word. Consider me as you go about your day and in the choices you make. I will do the same. Show up honorable. Show up fearless.Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Trust
Confide in each other. Place more importance on sharing with each other than being concerned about what might be our reactions, because we know we are on each other's side. Believe in me,as I will believe in you. Count on me, as I will count on you. Need me as I need you.

Fidelity. 
If you feel compelled to have and want more than me and what I can give and bring to you. Then tell me. Cut right to the heart of the matter. Otherwise hold yourself sacred and I will do the same.

Walk in Truth. 
Have a code of ethics for yourself. Always be willing to tell the truth about how you feel, think and behave.

Kindness. 
In deeds. Words. Actions. Lovemaking. I don't want sarcasm that is mean, or hurtful. I want romance in the ordinary course of the day... Not always grand sweeping gestures. Small and thoughtful.

Have your own interests 
That don't include me. We are not twins. I support your interests. Support mine. We are individuals merging and blending; we must hold to our independence too. Let us respect each others alone time.

Be willing to have an adventurous love. 
Be willing to do things. Try things. Experiment. Open to possibilities for more love and shared experiences.

Believe in the circle of family.
Be connected to family. Have peace within family. Blend our families as best as we can.

Willing to be honest about finances.
Create fiscal priorities.(Which I haven't done, but want to do this next time around)

Sense of humor
Can laugh and make light of things. Not stoic. Not hard. Not sarcastic.

Wants to be married.
Wants to exchange vows with family and friends in attendance. Wants to have a marriage that works... Not the fairy tale... But real shit. Talking. And more talking. Reasonable discussions. Room for disagreement and differing opinions. Commitment to working through everything.

Lizz Wright: Lean In (Music Video)

T

To My Potential Lover... I am Ready For Love.

I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that I may get up in the middle of the night and seek solitude because being in the bed with you is suffocating and this has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that when you quickly take me into your arms I tense up and shut down because you triggered an old wound. It is is not your fault. I just haven't been able to fix this brokenness in myself yet.

These are the things that are apart of my reality. It takes a great deal of time to make sex and emotion connect for me. I know how to perform... I don't know how to love. I can rival that of a porn star, but I cannot share my inner most deep longings and desires. What may seem and feel like indifference is my inability to reach for you. You see I was left in my marriage because he couldn't wait for me to need him. He couldn't wait any longer for me to share with him my pain and suffering. He couldn't endure my aloneness. I didn't know how to include him. I am not sure I even understood that those that love you need inclusion.

So here I am dating again. Dating with vigor and joy. I am getting to know men who are honorable and lovely. I am treading slowly. I am trying to push through my fears and my barriers. They don't have to tear down walls and scale the castle walls. I must tear down the barriers and lower the draw bridge. I am deliberately not having sex... Because  I can easily separate sex and emotion and never connect. My heart and soul longs for connection.. Deep abiding connection. The kind of connection that allows for the celebration of vows of love and commitment!

I am a particular kind of woman that appeals to a particular kind of man. I know this. A Man who is brave in heart. Not daunted by a woman who is greatly scarred and wounded. A man that is drawn to my light and sees the goodness. A man who only wants my happiness. A man who is not sarcastic and hurtful and small and insecure and petty. A man who can lift me up and not feel like he needs to compete for the same spotlight. A man who is solidly himself and not a product of the contemporary world.

I know I am capable of love even while I walk the world with a gaping hole left by abuse/incest /sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother to children I adopted illuminated a path to love I have never known. Saving Grace. Raising my children is saving grace. I willed myself to be attentive and loving to them...Kissing them everyday.... hugging them at night... tucking them in at bedtime... I had to rise above my own shit to give them what every child needs, a loving caring parent. With each hug and kiss I was strengthening myself and tearing down walls and barriers to love. I wanted to be a mother who gave them love in action! I wanted them to have a mother who they would know loved them with good touch and sweet words. I feel good about this. I rose above my fears and stepped into motherhood like a boss!

Telling a lover all this has its own risks and terror. It is hard to explain. It is hard to get someone prepared for shit that might make them feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want the lover of my choosing to feel this way and if they do, I want to be able to explain and share. To open myself up wide so that  they embrace my truth and understand.

Yes, progress out of my abuse has been made. I have come a mighty long way with the love and support of folks who have nurtured my spirit. The fact that I believe true love will find me ready and open is a miracle. There is no bitterness to my spirit or my tongue. I want all that love brings and offers and I am ready to do the sustaining work to make it last.

Maybe this is a love letter to the potential love interest... Maybe this is sharing. I do know I am ready for love.

Karen And Rolan I Love You.

I saw her. I walked in and there she was. There was no place I could go to hide. There was no turning on my heels and leaving. God orchestrated this fate... I must face her... Deal with her... Deal with her in a room full of powerful women. Many who knew my story. The amount of shame and overwhelm nearly killed me. I wanted to see her over the years.. I wanted to explain. I wanted to say I was sorry. I wanted to reach out to Rolan Joni Young Smith and simply say I am sorry for breaching and breaking your trust. But  the opportunity never presented itself. I had to do my time and that was all consuming for me. And before I knew it almost a decade had crept by.

My Soror, Karen DuBois-Walton was different. She never left my side. Even as I tried to get her to do so. She wouldn't. She just stayed and encouraged me to hold my head high. Even though her association with  me could cost her a great deal... She never wavered. Ever. Never. Ever. She said to me, get up and move about the day. I was suicidal and she said clearly as if she knew my intentions... There is nothing you have done that you cannot lift your head off the pillow in the morning. I was distraught. I was done. I was at the end of my rope and my life.

But of course the story does not end there. I am very much alive. And over the past several years I have come face to face with folks that I hurt and wounded by my actions. Each encounter has been holy. People have forgiven me. Forgiven me with the kind of grace that you only read about in the bible. With each encounter I am more prepared for the road ahead. Building my way toward redemption. Redemption isn't for folks to grant you... It is the peace you seek inside of yourself. It is the"Baby you gonna be alright" moment.

I have come full circle. I can put the story down now. The last piece that mattered to me has been found and put in place. She, Sister Rolan Joni Young Smith was that final piece. The fact that she opened her arms to me meant everything.

It is not lost on me how Divine Grace has lifted me to a place of redemption and forgiveness. I have come full circle. And baby it feels so good! The haunting of that part of the story is done now. I can move on with all deliberate speed. And trust me I am.

Karen DuBose-Walton I love you with every fiber of my being. I am in awe of your friendship. It comforts me and guides me forward. When every thing came crashing down around me... There you stood with a crimson & cream umbrella to protect me.  Your friendship and Sisterhood takes my breath away! It is undeserved grace.

Rolan Joni Young Smith, it was a dream... A far fetched, long held dream to repair what was broken between us. I lost hope. You did not. And for that I am forever in awe of your capacity to forgive. Thank you. I am better with you in my life.

This completes the story. There are no more fragments left to gather up. There is no one else I need to make amends to. The circle is no longer broken. I am truly FREE.

I am Free.

 Karen & Rolan

Babz & Rolan

Do I Have Any Fight Left?

The last days of Summer are upon me. Soon the crisp cool air will wrap around me like a missed lover. There is something quite holy about Fall. Things retreat.. the days get shorter and the nights get longer and the desire to cuddle calls my spirit.

I am alone still. What does this mean?.... Why is this true? And what ever can I do about it that I haven't put into the universe already? This seems to be an unanswered prayer... Or maybe I can't hear the answers because the desire of wanting is SO FUCKING LOUD!

I am trying to discern if I am wanting too much. And when I say wanting, I mean wanting. And in my wanting too much or wanting so much, do I not appreciate what I have?... Am I not accepting the What is? This is where my struggle is. Trying to put my wanting into some kind of perspective that doesn't make me seem or feel shallow, or small or ninny-headed.

I was talking to my best friend on the planet Ron the other day on the phone and I got so frustrated in going through all the bullshit of sharing all my efforts that I just started crying. I started crying. I was surprised. I mean I was really crying and I couldn't stop. My bff Ron didn't miss a beat... He was his usual consoling and supportive self. Yes of course I gathered my heart and mind together and finished our talk. and yes, I felt a bit better, he is always my touch stone.

Here I am at 52 longing for EVERY FUCKING THING!  Fall does this to me. Makes me wistful and unfulfilled. Maybe this is the desolation of the soul. An unbearable loneliness that creeps in as the heady days of Summer begin to dissipate and Fall begins to creep in with dark colors, turning leaves and the craving of soups and apples and deep red wines. Maybe it's me feeling overwhelmed with everything on my plate. And in looking at my plate there is good and not so good shit on it. No balance though... Or at least none that I can identify. What I can say is that the same old challenges are back again. I feel like I haven't learned the lessons the first go rounds... I haven't made enough of the necessary changes to move forward in a different way. All the fears of lack are showing up with a new energy to cripple me and break me. I can't help but wonder if I have any fight left?

Do I have any fight left? The challenges before are old and new. More forceful. More invasive. Deeper. Right next to the challenges are some celebrations and opportunities. But not enough to beat back the negative energies of fear and doubt and self worth.  This is my give-it-all-to-God moment. I don't know if I have any fight left. Odd coming from me. I've been here before and it baffles me to be back. Anyway, I'll take my steps forward minute by minute... Moment by moment.

I will take this into prayer asking God Do I have Any Fight Left?  Meanwhile, I'll allow the minutes/hours/days/weeks whatever to unfold as I go about my life.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Time Away

I always get very antsy when its time to pack and leave for Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard. I know it's because I need time away.... Real do-nothing-sit-down-chill-out time. Deep breath... Shoulders relaxed. Yes.

I don't want to shop. I don't want to party. I want to drink good wine. Have great conversations. Watch movies. Read as many books as I can. Sit on the beach for hours looking out. I don't want to wear any make-up. I don't want to pop in my contact lenses. I just want to shower, put on clothes and CHILL.

This will be my week of reading with a purpose. Focused. Important. I need to feed my mind and brain. Minimum social media. No checking facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, LinkedIn or  any of my blogs. Just uploading photos with very little commentary.

There is a lot going on in my life. I am coming back around. It's lovely. I just need some money to flow abundantly now!   And I am falling out of love with someone. I just can't waste time. He is a waste of time. Last year I was in the same place... Falling out of love with someone.  Life marches on doesn't it.  I am not heart broken... More bored of it. Oh well, life marches on doesn't it? it does indeed.

Off I go for some much needed respite. Be back soon!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

I Have One Fucking Rule....

Do Not Go Back For More Where There Is Only Less.

That's it.

So when you ask me what governs my life, this is the answer: Do not go back for more where there is only less. You see when I apply this to whatever situation I am in, the answer is clear. Leave shit alone... Walk the hell away or stay and suffer. I can only tolerate suffering for a few moments then I'm bailing.

You know what causes you pain. And you alone know how to stop the bleeding. So stop the bleeding,,, Unless the bleeding brings you some pleasure. And Baby that's when you know it's time to get help. Real help. Not your girlfriends over vodka tonics. Couch time with a trained professional... A Head Cleaner.

What I know for sure... that first you get the test... then the lesson. I believe this to be true because we think we will recognize the bullshit that keeps showing up in our lives.That's the test. Then we learn how to recognize bullshit, that's the lesson. I can attest we do not always learn the lessons or past the test for the first, second, or third time. I believe we don't recognize the bullshit because we are hoping that this time will be different than all the other times. We operate in a state of denial. We hope against hope that maybe what we are seeing and experiencing is just momentary and not real. It's always real. Sometimes people and opportunities show up as just what is needed until you realize this is not what's needed. Just the opposite. Then we go into a tailspin of sadness, depression and self assassination. How could I? Why did I? Raking ourselves through our history with that person and or situation. We see it... The moment we swallowed bullshit... Accepted bullshit... Settled for bullshit.

Life is to be lived with great gusto, Even in our quiet moments we ought to savor them. I can't afford to languish in bullshit, with people who just sell wolf tickets to a life they do not live nor even believe is possible. I can't hang with you as you entertain mess masquerading as foolish imitations of love and concern. And I certainly won't sit through someone pining away for someone else who has kicked you to the curb...Even if they haven't verbally said it... Yet their actions tell the truth. And you wander through their universe blind and unhappy. That's not what I want for myself. That's not who I want for myself.

I know how good love feels. I now how much I love myself. I am invested in my own happiness.

I have one fucking rule: Don't go back for more where there is only less.

How Did You Survive Everything They Always Ask

When folks hear my story, they always ask how did you survive everything? And then they add and you seem so whole, happy, larger than life. They say oh you get depressed? You seem like the happiest woman on the planet. (Well I am for the most part now)

Rape/Incest/Sexual exploitation
Suicide attempts
Divorce
Foreclosure
Bankruptcy
Federal prison
Unemployment
Sadness
Depression
Obesity (I hate this word... I prefer FAT... it just seems more bountiful)

I always answer depending which bad thing they are referring to. As I look back over my life and see just how far I've come. Sometimes I am baffled. It all seems so long ago. Maybe this for the book... The memoir.

I survived everything by believing that something better was just over the next hill. I just believed that good things would land on me. I believed that I was not meant to die all the times I tried to kill myself. I just didn't die. I survived when I was divinely entrusted with 4 little kids needing a mother. I needed them and did not know it until they arrived one by one.. They opened up a wealth of love that I had never known.I survived by marrying a man who cherished me for 12 of the 14 years we were married. He gave me a real sense of what love in action could be like. That it was possible to be loved just for myself. He did that. He brought me the gift of grown up love. I know I will have it again. I just believe there is someone out there for me... Someone who wants to be good to me and for me.

To survive anything I suspect, begins with believing that you will survive.. You have to redefine what surviving means. Always asking what do I need at this moment?. What do I need? Being clear about what you need helps with praying with purpose. Dear God help me with this, that or the other. And be willing to see what God sends for you.

I just believed I could become the woman of my dreams. So I set out with that thought. Asking how do I do that God, show me, direct my steps. Sometimes I listened to God and sometimes I did not. The journey is forward.

My Blogging Life: I'm The Audience

I blog to stay healed.

When I started blogging I was broken into a million tiny pieces. I was worse off than Humpty Dunpty. I had fallen so far down in my life getting up was a foreign concept.... Check my archives... I do periodically, to remind myself of just how far I've come. Blogging helped me save myself. From that very first send, I was hooked. I wasn't interested if anyone would find me. I was finding me. Each day I just poured my heart out. Sometimes I was drunk as hell. Sometimes I was typing through a monsoon of tears. And some days there was just enough sunlight to make me smile for a few moments and I could write about that.... Little bits of joy that started slipping in.

I found a community of folks who were just blogging and slogging... making their way and I joined them. I met folks who are my friends right this very minute. Folks I went to see. Folks who came to see me. Folks who I meet up with every other year. They have become apart of my life. They give me back to myself in countless unimaginable ways. They hold me up and hold me down.

I never thought to make a living doing this. I never thought I wanted a huge audience. I just wanted a place to share. I really believe I am talking to the universe in prayer. Each blog post is its own prayer for better or for worse. I'm not talking to anyone except myself and God.  So while I know some very famous bloggers who are doing their life's work, it is my joy to cheer them on. I am not one of them in that regard. I love being a blogger. I love this medium. I love how we connect and share and stay up with each other. When I drop by someone's blog it really does feel like I am visiting them at home. I can sit down and read a bit and connect with their life though what they share. I can leave a comment, ask a question or just keep on moving silently with reverence for their story.

I'm the audience of my blog. So, I am always pleasantly surprised when someone leaves a comment or emails me their thoughts. It still blows me away that folks feel my blog has some value and that something I said helped them on their journey. That is always an unexpected pleasure and gift.

I have no idea if and when this all will come to an end. Maybe I'll just stop just as I started. Maybe a new blog? Maybe something else. Oh I don't know. I do know, that blogging saved my life time and time again. That's it.

Old Goals... New Resolve.

I woke up one morning last week and looked in the mirror and saw my face very puffy. Puffy as in, I partied too much the night before and it showed up in my face. I have never had that experience. I brushed it off, until the puffiness sorta stayed with me. I went out and partied some more with a different set of friends. Good times my friends good times indeed. When I woke up that puffiness was still with me. I realized that I have to make some decisions about who I am and what I want to spend my time doing.

I called my Sister Lo freaking out... Lo, I have that "I'm drinking too much" puffy face! She started laughing and said, it means you are dehydrated and your body is trying to preserve itself.

I made a decision right then... one that I have been making over and over for the last decade. I am making my health a priority. The weight must come off. I am truly tired of it. Truly. So I did not restock my bar for the July 4th weekend. I have gone vegan for the last 3 weeks. Tomorrow I start a fast and dedicated prayer commitment. I am going back to running at sunrise.

I can't express what is different this time... with these goals... with this statement. All I know is I feel different. I feel resolute. I've felt resolute before. But this time, I am thinking about my mortality and what I want to see over the later part of my life. I want to enjoy a fit body. I want to be strong and in good health.

In 378 days I will be in London and Paris. I want to be fit! I want to be slim and trim, in the best shape of my life. There is no other way to get to that unless I start today. I have started today.

I will be kind and firm with myself. I will speak lovingly about this body as is and celebrate it as I reach my goals. I love myself and my life and all that I do must begin to reflect that. I understand that now.

So the journey continues with a new resolve to finish STRONG!

The Case For A Well Lived Life... Passions Abound.

I was mentioning to someone about the many passions I've enjoyed thus far on my life's journey. I've never had just one passion to drive me for my life's work. I've experienced a great many things that I had great love for and moved on from. I was passionate about working with folks affected and effected by sexual assault. I was passionate about delivering meals to folks living with HIV/AIDS. I was passionate about working with women survivors of domestic violence. I was passionate about politics and being elected to office. I was passionate about all the nonprofit Boards I've served on. I remain passionate about raising the 4 children I adopted. I remain passionate about the Black Press. I am passionate about the Charter School Board I serve on. I am passionate about hyper-mass incarceration and my ability in lending my voice, talents and time to this effort.

I always believed  I could do and be anything and so I set out to do just that. My mother told me at a very young age and I just believed her my whole life. I am always baffled by people struggling to find that one great passion that answers the big question of why am I here? I tried searching for one great passion and I found for me, there's no such thing. I am passionate about a great many things. So I have come to accept and relish that about myself.

I am acutely aware of the sands of time... There is so much more I want to be and do and see. The older I get, the greater the desire to become more of who I am meant to be permeates my spirit. I know why I am here... to be Babz. To expand my mind. To raise children. To fall in love over and over and over until I die. To be a blessing to somebody. To do my part in working for love.

Today more than ever before, I am not stressed by the road ahead. I am not freaking out about what to do next. I have made peace with the allowing of things... my self... this body... my heart and the potential for love of another... As in partner. The wasting of time is not something I am interested in; not with people, or projects or pleasure. I can do or not do as I see fit.

My passions span a wide array of things from social justice, to personal development. I can track my growth on my life's timeline on the the things I was most passionate about. I like that. I am living a well lived life.

I No Longer Want To Claim Being Tired

It is a default mechanism... one of my own making. I toss out how tired I am without really speaking the truth about what really ails me. What passes for tiredness is really overwhelm and disorganization. I will honestly concede that I have way too many things on my plate at the moment.

Yes, more than likely this is the truth. However, I have this sense of urgency about doing all that I want to do. I know the problem isn't just being tired as much as it is disorganization and fear of success. There is always some kind of fear at the heart of things. I mean if I went to bed early as a person committed to taking better care, then a lot of my tiredness would go away. I am burning the candle at both ends. That ain't good nowhere, nohow not ever. And yet here I set in the wee hours of night, doing one more thing.

I need a tighter routine. I can see the fraying of edges. I can see where things are falling through the cracks and it is getting increasingly harder for me to juggle home, work, kids, their education, my social commitments, my civic duties and my dating life and everything else that I feel compelled to step into.

And to top it all off, I haven't been on a brisk walk or run for a couple of weeks. This is a priority intellectually, but not in reality. So what do I do? I bring my full attention to the matter. I make changes and I do better. Ha ha ha! Which really translates into another day going by without doing shit and them beating myself up until I make a new commitment to do better.Damn it I am doing that crazy roller coaster shit again. I am getting off.

Tomorrow a new plan is needed... It begins with my thinking. I gotta change my mind and make the necessary changes for my greater good. And yes, sacrifices must be made.

Actually the new plan begins tonight. I'm going to bed.

There is No Time To Waste

I have no more time to waste. I have no more fucking time to waste on bullshit... Be it people, places or things. I am so conscious of my remaining time on earth that I want to do everything all at once.

I find myself weary of mundane conversations that have no real beginning or end. Just disheartening statements passing as sharing. I want to scream WHAT ARE YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS? Quit telling me about your fucked up job or your lame ass husband, or your miserable kids or your crazy neighbors. Who are you? And what do you want?

I was talking to a Sister this morning outside of church and I asked how are you? And she immediately claims, "I got drama... I'm in the middle of drama and when morning comes I find myself gasping for air" "It's the same mess as before"   Now I have sat with her a few times listening and providing a supportive voice. But here's the truth... She is not interested in doing what needs to be done to squash the drama. She believes that she can orchestrate the universe to her will. I understand. I used to be the same way, until the universe broke me and I had to change my life. I had to climb up out of mess. She is not ready. And time is moving on. And so I kept it moving too.

There is a sense of urgency that's fueling me. Not in a frenzied hurried state. It's a kind of energy that calls me to be open and awake. I am saying yes to my life in ways that often startle me. I am not reckless,  I  jump for joy at the things that bring me to nirvana. I am channeling that new found sensuality I discovered on Martha's Vineyard last summer...Inkwell Epiphanies: Martha's Vineyard Expanded My Groove. I feel good even in the throes of a few financial challenges. I am not twisted up or stressed. Concerned, yes and very mindful, and I am moving with clarity and confidence.

Babz is doing all right. Babz is falling in love with a great many things and it shows! I am not wedded to time as a construct that will be my undoing if I don't get shit done. What I hope I am conveying is that every moment I draw breath is special and divine. Oh so divine. And to waste any of it on bullshit is not what I want. There is no time to waste. Life beckons to be savored... Tasted for all its worth! This precious breath in this moment is the gift. The blessing really is the next breath if I get one. Do you see? There is no time to waste.

I'M SPEAKING AT #BLOGHER 15: EXPERTS AMONG US

I am THRILLED to be speaking at #BlogHer15: Experts Among Us

Event Date: 

July 18, 2015 - 10:30am - 11:45am

Conference Day: 

Day 2

Conference: 

#BlogHer15: Experts Among Us

Conference Track: 

Online Life and Culture

When You’re “Too Much” for Your Audience, Be It Your Profanity, Politics, or…

Speakers:
Sarah Ann Gilbert, Author
Thien-Kim Lam, I'm Not the Nanny
Babz Rawls Ivy, Lovebabz LLC

Contact me for friend and family discount! Would love to see you there!

I do not Live In a Love Desert

I learned a big lesson over the last 48 hours. Those that believe there is not enough love for them will always try to drain you dry of your kindness and humanity.. I see where the lack shows up in people... I can see their fears taking over and they seem helpless in their ability to stop it.

There is enough love for all. There is enough love that we can give and receive to each other several times over.

I do not live in a love desert. I believe that love is boundless. I believe love transcends the ordinary and yet dwells in the ordinary.

I do not know of any way to be except to be in love. This is my deliberate choice. This is what makes me happy. When you are invited into my circle, it is done because I have fallen in love with you... Your spirit... Your energy.Your being speaks to all that is in me. It connects to all the good in me. Love is transforming and healing and liberating.

What I do not have the time for is drama... or the constant debating of what is lacking in any given situation in somebody's life. I cannot be the bearer of all that is lacking and broken in any one's life.

I do not live in a love desert. I live in a love oasis. I live in a love oasis. I live in a love oasis.

I have no problem dwelling on my own. The love I seek is seeking me. There is no rush. There is no desperation. I am the love I seek. I am the love of my life.

I do not live in a love desert. I do however live in a love oasis.

Babz Showing Up As Babz

I never thought I wouldn't find love again. I never paid attention to all the talk around Black women and dating and finding marriageable Black men. I never had any qualms dating men from other ethnicity's. I have been open to love all along...sometimes to my detriment. As I look back I have always been open to love. What I haven't been was myself. What I have done was try to become something someone else wanted and needed with the hopes that some of what I wanted and needed would be met. I was WRONG! Oh so painfully wrong.

So I am showing up as myself. No sugar-coated version of me. No smoke, no mirrors. It's all coming forward with the light of day. I can't hide shit. I won't. This is who I am!

My name is Babz Rawls Ivy, I am 5'8', 264 lbs 268 lbs and I may never get to anything smaller. I have 4 kids I adopted. I am a felon. I hold a BS in Marketing. I have an MPA. I am a certified Spiritual Director. I have an impressive resume filled with community service. I have FOUR children who I happily raise. I am friends with my ex-husband and adore his new wife. I belong to a Sorority. I work as an Editor-in-chief for a Black newspaper. I drink... champagne, scotch, vodka, rum, wine, beer...Not all at once, but I drink. I like an occasional cigar... maybe every couple of years... certainly not often or on a regular basis. I like sports. I love live music. Jazz. Old school R&B. I'm a bit junky. I hate throwing things away.

My crazy is manageable. I am never going to check your cellphone, or follow you or wrangle my hands about who else you might be fucking. I will believe you until I don't. I cannot stand constant conversations about "this relationship". I like and need and want a LOT OF SEX. I like my own time alone without you.  I can't fuck with you if you don't read books. I can't fuck with you if you don't like good movies and by good movies I mean classic shit. I am not going to have petty arguments with you about which direction the toilet paper ought to roll. I am not going to be your mother. I am not going to handle your life. I am not going to tell you what to do.

I cuss. A lot. Not in public though and rarely around little kids. I believe in God. I have a strong religious foundation. You gotta have one too... believe in something other than your own bullshit.

I am without a doubt a loyal woman. I am fun. I am a great conversationalist. I can hang with just about anyone. I can go to any party and make myself at home. I have strong political views... very fucking liberal political views. I am an advocate for human rights, women and girls rights.

I am loud. I laugh loud. I am known to talk loud.

Babz is showing up as Babz forever more. At this point in my life authenticity is the new sexy. What I know for sure is that I am a particular kind of baddass woman who will only truly appeal to a particular baddass man. One who is sure of himself, manages his own life and shows up equally authentic. Someone who doesn't bring me their shit to solve, or their bills to handle, or their insecurities for me to magically resolve. Oh and has NO fucking baby-mama or ex-wife drama... keep that madness away from me.

From here on out I am showing up as me. That's it.

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's my 52nd Birthday!

I love the woman I am becoming!

I am enjoying this life... My life. I am glorious in my appreciation of my breath. I am in love with myself. All that I want I have at my core. I'm moving at a speed that suits me.
My opinion matters to me.

I am a Grown Woman happy. Whole. Beautiful.

My Hands Are Open

So someone introduced me to a man. A man they thought would be of support to my spirit.
Of course I was wrangling my hands about the introduction... especially since the person doing the introduction does not know me really. Does not know me at all. But yes, was very insistent about making this introduction. It was quite intense and direct and forceful, as though they didn't want me to miss out.

But that is how God works.

So I connect with this man and God only knows why lightening strikes. I notice right away he is every long held dream... Every spoken and unspoken desire. He possesses the keys to my hidden places... dungeons and secret gardens and high tower turrets. There is no resistance whatsoever. There is no fear. There is only a real desire to run to him and stay. There is no hesitation. There is no bullshit.

But this is how God works.

Every conversation is sensual and erotic... The most mundane of sharing heightens my arousal. It is physical and metaphysical and spiritual and physical and joyous. He is like no man I've ever known and yet he is the accumulation of every man I've ever known....all the good... only the good. Confidant and focused and determined and open to God's will. I admire a man that owns himself fully and unapologetic.

"You are so Fucking Beautiful" "You have a beautiful spirit" "Your smile brings brightness to my sky" he whispers. It's as if I waited centuries for these words. My exhale was so deep and so profound that I am sure new galaxies were formed on the strength of my breath out to the far heavens. It has been a long time coming.

But this is how God works.

My hands were outstretched and open. I did the work of letting go of things... Heavy things... Of things and people and places that added nothing to my life excepts stress and uncertainty. He brings none of that. This is how to fall in love.

Building upon all the positives and in-common joys. He has mastered being himself and grateful. He prides himself on being a forever student and voracious reader and thinker. Oh a man that understands himself and his fears, is a man of great wealth. I do believe I am falling building in love.

I care not of time. It is not important of how long this love builds, I am in this moment and the moment is sweet.