When I was newly divorced it seemed like my whole world was dumped upside down on top of all the other mess I was dealing with, I thought my marriage was on solid ground. I couldn't believe it when I realized it wasn't. I didn't see divorce coming. Couldn't accept it. After it was finalized it took me about a year to not feel "still married" and another 2 years before I could actually date someone... be seen naked... enjoy sex. Eventually I did. It was hard and sad. So sad I started a support group for folks in various stages of divorce. Anyway, this ain't about that. (Oh my ex was married within a year of our divorce)
When I thought I was in love a few years ago with "The Potential Mr. Babz" it was a little different.... We'd break up... Reconnect... break up. He was like a bad habit. Seriously. I've always carried this fantasy that we were destined for each other. And in some respects we were. I was destined to learn some very valuable lessons that widened my spiritual path. I put up with a lot of bullshit and manipulation from him. I allowed him to dishonor my peace of mind. Then one day I had enough. I pushed him out of my house, out of my life and out of my heart. I blocked his calls, returned his letters and notes, and just went on about my life. Started dating and enjoying being out and about... well almost (That's a whole other story). The point is, I moved on from "him"
Yesterday "he" texted me from another number... This bullshit "I miss my friend... I've been praying for you since you were 14 years old, I have loved you always" Oh and he threw in some french words. Mutherfucker please.
I was not moved. My heart didn't do flips. My mind didn't wander to past intimate moments. I did not entertain any "what ifs" I AM FREE! He no longer has any influence or power over my heart and mind. The fantasy of us is in the ether. He is no longer my fantasy. He hasn't been for many years. I was fooling myself, trying to recreate what I thought I lost in my marriage. I was kidding myself making decisions based on being lonely. I wanted someone to want me. I wanted to prove that I was a good catch. And that's how I ended up spending 3 years of my life with that nut. He was never my friend. He was an emotional bully. He was fiscally and spiritually draining. He was never concerned about my well being, he brought me more stress and drama to my life than I have ever had in any relationship pre and post marriage. He was a reflection of my state of being.... A mess. I had no business trying to jump into "Happily Ever After" with him or anybody else for that matter at that time.
It's been about 2 1/2 years since his exit. I am FREE. Really FREE to invite in love that I am truly destined for. Yesterday was like the universe saying Gurl go get you some good love!
In spite of all the uncertainty in my life at the moment, no matter how lost I am, I remain always hopeful about the possibility of true love falling on me. I unequivocally cannot go back for more where there was only LESS! That guy was LESS!
Oh and yes that new number he texted from? BLOCKED!