Monday, October 12, 2015

The Care of Me...

It's time for a break. I am too EXTRA. And by extra, I mean TIRED.

I know how loaded October (Both parents birthdays, Mothers death anniversary, My wedding anniversary, adoption anniversary, prison time served, award received) is for me. I thought I could just press on. But I am tired of pressing on.

I am tired. Battle fatigued. And unbelievably lonely.

This was my Facebook post... It wrote itself...

We have to make room for fragility. We cannot be strong all the time. And We cannot put that limitless expectation on ourselves. I have to be allowed to fall to the ground sobbing. I have to be allowed to wallow in the deep end of pain, I have to allow myself permission to surrender to the truth of how bad I hurt. And how lonely I am. I am tired of being the beggar of peace and joy and connection. #BabzMatters

I need some quiet time, otherwise I am going to die.

I can't seem to get out from under things. I seem to keep going around and around. The same struggles. Always the same struggles. What the fuck am I doing wrong? What lesson(s) am I not getting, because I swear, I've been in this place before. I know enough that the lesson is repeated until it's learned.

There is so much good happening and yet I seem to be getting farther and farther away from the things I want... The life I want. How is this possible? Is this failure?  Am I failing in my life? It feels like it. I can't seem to stop crying. The aloneness is deafening.

How do I take care of me? I used to know. But now I am just drowning and drifting further away from the things that sustained and nurtured me.

Time to take better care of me. Tune out and turn off the noise. I don't know what I can do about the loneliness... But I certainly can rejuvenate, rest and reconnect back to myself. Yes, that is needed.


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