Sitting on the porch of our beach house I realized while gazing at the ocean... I was fluid, and could just ride the waves of sexual energy. And just like that, I settled in and enjoyed this heightened sense of awareness. It started with allowing my sexual energy to just be. I just decided to enjoy that part of myself without having to do anything to soothe it, or stamp it out. I just let it engulf me and carry me. What I found amazing was how more womanly I felt. I was conscious of all my movements from sitting to walking to dancing to the way I held a champagne flute. It was all sooooo sexual and erotic. I stayed in a state of arousal. I am still there.
This is the state of being I want to be in... this heightened awareness of myself. It is about sex, but it isn't about sex. I used to think that being horny was something you needed to solve... handle...deal with. I believed that in order to resolve the horny-ness that I needed to have sex. This time, I just allowed the feelings to go further and I let my mind follow the feelings... I led with the feelings and not my mind. The mind will work out ways in which to just have sex.... but following the flow of my feelings helped to realize that having sex for the sake of the orgasm isn't the only ecstasy.
Now don't get it twisted... I want to have sex. A lot. A lot of sex. Now. Today, tomorrow and everyday thereafter, however the reality is, I can't at the moment. 1)I don't know anyone; 2)I'm not interested in casual one-night stand sex with a stranger, 3)I want love and sex to be in one package.
Horny-ness is becoming less and less about getting laid, and more about connecting to my body and my spiritual self. Erotic is the spiritual. Erotic is a higher level of being and connecting and experiencing my body and my world. I like this thinking, it takes the frenzy out of wanting to have sex. The wanting can be a bit crazy and cause you to go back for more where there was only less. For example hooking up with people you have left or broken ties with and finding yourself calling them, or conjuring them up for sex... trying to turn mess into bliss. It didn't work then and it certainly won't work now. This is where I've been stuck, trying to rewrite history and failing miserably and painfully. Connecting to people from memory and past... I am not her... that woman that knew you then. That's my deal to correct, not his. I am done trying to see where and with whom I can have sex with... that's thirsty. I'm not thirsty anymore... or at least I am not drinking from the well of been-there-done-that. I've decided to allow myself space to dwell in the sexual energy that I possess... That is divine.
Martha's Vineyard gave me the opportunity to explore myself without the interruptions of my everyday practical life. I wasn't on the mommy clock, I wasn't on the work clock, or any other clock. It was about rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. A space opened up and I stepped into it with great delight and wonder. Martha's Vineyard expanded my groove and Yes! It feels good!
Photo: Me, Oaks Bluff, Martha's Vineyard, Summer 2014 #Inkwell2014
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