Sunday, August 23, 2015

Do I Have Any Fight Left?

The last days of Summer are upon me. Soon the crisp cool air will wrap around me like a missed lover. There is something quite holy about Fall. Things retreat.. the days get shorter and the nights get longer and the desire to cuddle calls my spirit.

I am alone still. What does this mean?.... Why is this true? And what ever can I do about it that I haven't put into the universe already? This seems to be an unanswered prayer... Or maybe I can't hear the answers because the desire of wanting is SO FUCKING LOUD!

I am trying to discern if I am wanting too much. And when I say wanting, I mean wanting. And in my wanting too much or wanting so much, do I not appreciate what I have?... Am I not accepting the What is? This is where my struggle is. Trying to put my wanting into some kind of perspective that doesn't make me seem or feel shallow, or small or ninny-headed.

I was talking to my best friend on the planet Ron the other day on the phone and I got so frustrated in going through all the bullshit of sharing all my efforts that I just started crying. I started crying. I was surprised. I mean I was really crying and I couldn't stop. My bff Ron didn't miss a beat... He was his usual consoling and supportive self. Yes of course I gathered my heart and mind together and finished our talk. and yes, I felt a bit better, he is always my touch stone.

Here I am at 52 longing for EVERY FUCKING THING!  Fall does this to me. Makes me wistful and unfulfilled. Maybe this is the desolation of the soul. An unbearable loneliness that creeps in as the heady days of Summer begin to dissipate and Fall begins to creep in with dark colors, turning leaves and the craving of soups and apples and deep red wines. Maybe it's me feeling overwhelmed with everything on my plate. And in looking at my plate there is good and not so good shit on it. No balance though... Or at least none that I can identify. What I can say is that the same old challenges are back again. I feel like I haven't learned the lessons the first go rounds... I haven't made enough of the necessary changes to move forward in a different way. All the fears of lack are showing up with a new energy to cripple me and break me. I can't help but wonder if I have any fight left?

Do I have any fight left? The challenges before are old and new. More forceful. More invasive. Deeper. Right next to the challenges are some celebrations and opportunities. But not enough to beat back the negative energies of fear and doubt and self worth.  This is my give-it-all-to-God moment. I don't know if I have any fight left. Odd coming from me. I've been here before and it baffles me to be back. Anyway, I'll take my steps forward minute by minute... Moment by moment.

I will take this into prayer asking God Do I have Any Fight Left?  Meanwhile, I'll allow the minutes/hours/days/weeks whatever to unfold as I go about my life.

I don't know what to do anymore.



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