I live with this acute awareness of pain... Hurt... Echoing of past, present and maybe future wounds.
From every direction I am overwhelmed with shit. I don't know how to get through any of it. I don't know what to do. I truly do not know what to do. I am weary of talking. I am wearing of lamenting what ails me. I am weary of my life.
Everything hurts. Everything brings its own sense of unhappiness, This is real drowning and fear and overwhelm. It's as if no one sees that I am drowning because I look like I am swimming. And maybe that's my fault. I've handled sadness and disappointment so well, that no one associates that with me... I've made the handling of my pain seamless.
This isn't a cross road, or a fork in the road. I am absolutely lost. And not only am I lost, I have no desire to fight for anything. Nothing. I am tired of everything and everyone. I am operating at the bare minimum.
It is said that things get worse before they are better... Maybe this is my worse into better moment. Maybe this my time to wrestle for my soul. Maybe this is desolation for me. I am just waiting for everything to crash down upon me. I can't seem to think my way clear of anything. I can't seem to behave my way through any of it. I feel like I am pretending all the time.
I am not without tools. I am not without resources. I am not without loving caring family and friends. I am better than most. What I am is tired. Weary. Disillusioned and ashamed that I am any of this.
Off to bed I go. Rest is prayer. A good night's sleep is prayer. Good music that moves the soul is prayer. Deliberate peaceful thoughts is prayer. Breathing is prayer.