My life is always speaking to me. I have over the years been learning to listen to it. I have excelled and thrived in so many areas of my life... Except for two... Health and Romantic Love.
Oddly enough they are linked. I know this because I had another epiphany about how I am living. My state of being is a reflection of my state of being. I am not well. And I see slivers of hope in my romantic life as the tides changing in my favor. I am more open to love falling on me than at any time in my life. I like the woman I am becoming every minute... Open... Vulnerable... Giving... Solid...Fierce.. Beautiful. I know that someone will be my partner, I no longer have any doubts or worries or whatevers about that. They will show up just as I am showing up in my life... Ready.
My health is another story...
...There is evidence of a mild mild stroke the cardiologist says... We think it's caused by undiagnosed diabetes.... We need to put you on additional medications... We need to take blood tests weekly for about a month. You need to get that weight off. You won't live long if you continue like this... If you do nothing at all. What do you want to do?
I sat on this for a couple of weeks. I just picked up the meds a few days ago after both Doctors called... They know I am afraid.. They know I am tired... They know I am stressed and worn thin. Yes, I let them sit at the pharmacy because I am afraid to go left or right or up or down. I just told my sister Lo a few days ago. I told my minister the other day. I told a man I have some romantic interest in. I need to tell myself. The telling of folks seems out of body for me and I can't seem to figure out what to say about any of this.
I have not been feeling well for a very long time. I have been resistant to getting my blood work done because I knew something was up. I seem to always be fighting some fucking battle and in saying that I can feel the taste of ingratitude on my lips. I am grateful that I can fight all these battles... God has been on my side all of my life.
So where am I now? Well, I am preparing to win. I can do this. I have done so many other hard things. I'm taking peeks at my future and where I see myself heading and I like what I imagine for myself. So while I am bankrupt healthwise at the moment, this is not the place I plan to stay.
Let the fighting back begin. I am a WINNER!