Sunday, September 27, 2015

If Health Is My Wealth... Then I Am Bankrupt (But Not For Long)

My life is always speaking to me. I have over the years been learning to listen to it. I have excelled and thrived in so many areas of my life... Except for two... Health and Romantic Love.

Oddly enough they are linked. I know this because I had another epiphany about how I am living. My state of being is a reflection of my state of being. I am not well. And I see slivers of hope in my romantic life as the tides changing in my favor. I am more open to love falling on me than at any time in my life. I like the woman I am becoming every minute... Open... Vulnerable... Giving... Solid...Fierce.. Beautiful. I know that someone will be my partner, I no longer have any doubts or worries or whatevers about that. They will show up just as I am showing up in my life... Ready.

My health is another story...

...There is evidence of a mild mild stroke the cardiologist says... We think it's caused by undiagnosed  diabetes.... We need to put you on additional medications... We need to take blood tests weekly for about a month. You need to get that weight off. You won't live long if you continue like this... If you do nothing at all. What do you want to do?

I sat on this for a couple of weeks. I just picked up the meds a few days ago after both Doctors called... They know I am afraid.. They know I am tired... They know I am stressed and worn thin. Yes, I let them sit at the pharmacy because I am afraid to go left or right or up or down. I just told my sister Lo a few days ago. I told my minister the other day. I told a man I have some romantic interest in. I need to tell myself. The telling of folks seems out of body for me and I can't seem to figure out what to say about any of this.

I have not been feeling well for a very long time. I have been resistant to getting my blood work done because I knew something was up. I seem to always be fighting some fucking battle and in saying that I can feel the taste of ingratitude on my lips. I am grateful that I can fight all these battles... God has been on my side all of my life.

So where am I now? Well, I am preparing to win. I can do this. I have done so many other hard things. I'm taking peeks at my future and where I see myself heading and I like what I imagine for myself. So while I am bankrupt healthwise at the moment, this is not the place I plan to stay.

Let the fighting back begin. I am a WINNER!



5 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

...okay... you have made the statement... now you have to act and be committed to the grind... of course you CAN do it... and you had better..!

Big Mark 243 said...

...okay... you have made the statement... now you have to act and be committed to the grind... of course you CAN do it... and you had better..!

Big Mark 243 said...

...okay... you have made the statement... now you have to act and be committed to the grind... of course you CAN do it... and you had better..!

Luv said...

Hugs... i definitely know the feeling... keep pushing and definitely stay positive. You can beat this...it that is what you want... fear is a mug it will steal your joy if you let it. I am hear rooting for your improved health and for love to rain down on you in the manner that you deserve

Just Kel said...

Sister LoveBabz... Sending love and hugs your way because I know you're going to make it over this hurdle. ***Keep shining***