I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that I may get up in the middle of the night and seek solitude because being in the bed with you is suffocating and this has nothing to do with wanting you or not wanting you. I don't know how to explain to a potential lover that when you quickly take me into your arms I tense up and shut down because you triggered an old wound. It is is not your fault. I just haven't been able to fix this brokenness in myself yet.
These are the things that are apart of my reality. It takes a great deal of time to make sex and emotion connect for me. I know how to perform... I don't know how to love. I can rival that of a porn star, but I cannot share my inner most deep longings and desires. What may seem and feel like indifference is my inability to reach for you. You see I was left in my marriage because he couldn't wait for me to need him. He couldn't wait any longer for me to share with him my pain and suffering. He couldn't endure my aloneness. I didn't know how to include him. I am not sure I even understood that those that love you need inclusion.
So here I am dating again. Dating with vigor and joy. I am getting to know men who are honorable and lovely. I am treading slowly. I am trying to push through my fears and my barriers. They don't have to tear down walls and scale the castle walls. I must tear down the barriers and lower the draw bridge. I am deliberately not having sex... Because I can easily separate sex and emotion and never connect. My heart and soul longs for connection.. Deep abiding connection. The kind of connection that allows for the celebration of vows of love and commitment!
I am a particular kind of woman that appeals to a particular kind of man. I know this. A Man who is brave in heart. Not daunted by a woman who is greatly scarred and wounded. A man that is drawn to my light and sees the goodness. A man who only wants my happiness. A man who is not sarcastic and hurtful and small and insecure and petty. A man who can lift me up and not feel like he needs to compete for the same spotlight. A man who is solidly himself and not a product of the contemporary world.
I know I am capable of love even while I walk the world with a gaping hole left by abuse/incest /sexual exploitation. Becoming a mother to children I adopted illuminated a path to love I have never known. Saving Grace. Raising my children is saving grace. I willed myself to be attentive and loving to them...Kissing them everyday.... hugging them at night... tucking them in at bedtime... I had to rise above my own shit to give them what every child needs, a loving caring parent. With each hug and kiss I was strengthening myself and tearing down walls and barriers to love. I wanted to be a mother who gave them love in action! I wanted them to have a mother who they would know loved them with good touch and sweet words. I feel good about this. I rose above my fears and stepped into motherhood like a boss!
Telling a lover all this has its own risks and terror. It is hard to explain. It is hard to get someone prepared for shit that might make them feel unloved and unwanted. I don't want the lover of my choosing to feel this way and if they do, I want to be able to explain and share. To open myself up wide so that they embrace my truth and understand.
Yes, progress out of my abuse has been made. I have come a mighty long way with the love and support of folks who have nurtured my spirit. The fact that I believe true love will find me ready and open is a miracle. There is no bitterness to my spirit or my tongue. I want all that love brings and offers and I am ready to do the sustaining work to make it last.
Maybe this is a love letter to the potential love interest... Maybe this is sharing. I do know I am ready for love.