Thursday, July 12, 2007

One Day Chicken, Next Day Feathers

This is how I am feeling right now. I have too much on my brain and on my mind. Children, marriage separation, bankruptcy, federal sentencing, weight-loss, unemployment and overall angst. I believe I am handling all this in stride. I think. It is my intention to weather this storm of sorts with as much dignity as I can--no easy feat. I do not feel alone in the sense that I have no friends. As a matter of fact I have great friends who are tuned into me. It is this season of in the meantime that is unsettling. It's like everything hangs in the balance based on one decision about whether or not I go to jail. That is the tipping point. Nothing can really move up or down until that piece is determined. Try as I might to carry on, there is still this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I must say I am a lot better in discerning my feelings today than I was a few weeks ago and a whole hell of a lot better than I was a few years ago. I am hopeful and excited about all the possibilities before me--even if I have to go to jail, I am still optimistic and hopeful. Yet there is this uneasiness of the unknown. I am being still in my uneasiness. I am allowing emotions and feelings that come up, to live with me for as long as they need to hang out. I am no longer fighting them, running from them or desperately trying to ignore them. I am facing all my fears...today. God knows about tomorrow.

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