Inner Fire

I know there is more to a well balanced relationship than sex. I know that sex is only one part of a deeply rich and committed loveship. I know that there has to be compatibility, respect and love.  With that said...

I miss having sex. 

I miss making love.  I miss orgasms that make me scream to the top of my lungs! Ha ha ha! Yes, I am in a self imposed (indefinite) period of celibacy.  That doesn't make the desire for sex go away.  Perhaps this is a post for Pchats...  I am one of these women who can have sex at anytime of day.  I am always ready (except when it's that time of the month...although I used to when I wore a diaphragm for birth control---20 years ago)...but I digress.  I have never ever been too tired for sex.  I have never said I have a headache...even if I had a headache I know sex would cure it!  I am baffled by folks who don't make sex a priority in their marriage.  I mean really, in marriage you are your most freest, at least that's how I felt in mine. It was so safe and secure.  My then husband indulged my fantasies, bought me toys and dvds. I enjoyed myself.  Even if we were fighting, or mad, I would still have sex because sex was not a weapon. Withholding sex from him because I was mad was a punishment for me so I never rolled like that. Besides make-up sex is HOT!

At this point in my life I am not interested in one-night stands, or casual liaisons.  I am in need of full commitment and marriage.  I did my "Sex In The City" period.  I am not trying to relive that as a Cougar.  There is this inner fire that seems to be more passionate at 48 than it was when I was 28, or 38.  It is a new intensity that I like.  I don't feel out of control.  I feel very sensual and powerful.  I know what turns me on and I can articulate it.

I have a few fears about this inner fire and where it will lead me.  I wonder if I will meet someone who shares the same itensity or at least some of it.  I can't imagine being with a man too much younger than myself, but when I look at men my age, they are not looking very virile. Could I exist in a low sex or no sex marriage?  Oh intellectually yes.  I just don't want to spiritually or physically. 

This time right now I believe to be prime sexually fulfilling and I don't want this time to pass me by.  There is no panic, just a little fear. Sure Ia m channeling this energy into other things, I am a mature woman, I am not solely ruled by my passions.  I know how to focus on other things.  Right now I am feeling pretty sexual and orgasmic and comely.  Comely a very biblical term I like that connects me back to my divinity.

The inner fire is raging and I like it.  I feel powerful and commanding.  It is an untapped energy source that ought to take it's rightful place on the list of things that motivate me.

This energy requires further exploration and reverence.