Sometimes the road ahead is a lone journey. All those that were hanging around have faded away. I used to be saddened by the loss of friendships. I would lay awake wondering what did I do to drive someone away. Why had the friendship/loveship soured and dissolved? I would wring my hands and heart over a failed attempt at intimacy. Why can't shit last? I would cry over and over what could I have done, who could I have become to keep friends/lovers? I was whining about this just awhile ago. Feeling all sorry and drained. Hanging my hopes and dreams on some fantasy that I concocted for my "Happily Ever After". I spent so much time beating myself up about behaving and being worthy. Oh my GOD I made myself sick with ego driven wishes, desires and wants!
And today is the magical day it happened. I had to SPIRITUALLY GROW UP! I had to be deliberate in NOT thinking about me and my wishes, hopes and dreams and focus on my behaviors. What am I doing to to live a more fully celebrated life? Was I being a blessing to someone other than ME?
I spiritually grew up by realizing, that friends and lovers weren't leaving me...they delivered the message I needed when I needed it. They stayed long enough to bring me gifts and lessons and comfort if needed for the journey ahead. They held the mirror up for me and showed me who I was and offered me opportunity to make changes or continue on for the continued lesson(s). We always get the same lesson over and over until we learn and are ready for the test. I have noticed the patterns of my life...folks have come and gone and come again. What looked like abandonment and heartbreak, is on second long glance, gifts for my soul. Pearls of wisdom to help me become more of who I am supposed to be. Breaking my heart was not their purpose, teaching me a lesson about who I am and who I will become was always the reason for their being in my life. I just had to see it from spiritually mature eyes and heart.
I am a GROWN WOMAN. A woman transitioning into the next phase of this life journey. I take steps ahead and tumble backwards. I am wise and foolish. I am smart and simple. I am beautiful. The goal now is to recognize the gifts as they show up and be grateful and open for their inherent meaning.
Always asking: Who Am I? What Do I Want?