I am contemplating what is really important to me at this stage of my life. What am I doing and where do I want to go? I used to have a great deal of anxiety about this. I know it was because I was measuring my life up against other folks. I was looking outside of myself for validation and definition of success.
I wanted to be a woman who could achieve and accomplish things. I wanted to soar and I wanted to be great and celebrated. And for a good part of my life I was! I was everywhere, doing everything, all at once. I was on a meteoric rise, my star was bright and I was becoming the toast of the town. People knew my name, my credentials were impressive and I was smart and beautiful. And just like that it all burned down.
After the crash and burn and loss of just about everything, I am rebuilding my life. I am taking stock of what matters to me. Who do I want to be now? Reinventing myself is no easy feat and yet here I am transitioning into a life that I am crafting solely on what feels good. Imagine that.
My challenges are still epic and my personal life sucks. But underneath all that, in between the desperation and fear, there are pockets of joy...little slices heaven. This is how I know God is with me. I see a flower and admire it's beauty. I know God is with me, when I hear my children laughing and playing unaware of the internal struggles of my demons. They are happy when I am happy.
I am giving up trying to orchestrate a life based on what I ought to want. Instead I am building a life based on love and good things and comfort and joy. I have not had enough of that so I want more. I am stepping away from controlling everything in my universe (being in control is yet another myth). I am yielding into the day, into my life, into my relationships with kinfolks, friends, lover and God.
There is an ease that I want in my life and relationships. I want to lay down my weapons of war and struggle. I want to stop arguing and debating my point of view. I want to be in love and I cannot be if I take up the sword at every turn. I am not abdicating power, or giving up my rights, or looking to be the world's doormat. I just know there has to be something more than being combative and afraid. I must become the very thing I am seeking. I am on the path...moving in the right direction. I do believe the time is now to fully commit to this thinking and sense of being. There is no going back.
I have found the way to love. The path is right there before more. The path is illuminated, beckoning come, walk forward, take the step. Don't be afraid, lead with your heart and bring your head with you. What I seek is right there. There is no time like the present to step forward.