Friday, October 28, 2011

The "Closure" Myth.. a bit revised

closure [ˈkləʊʒə]n
1. the act of closing or the state of being closed
2. an end or conclusion
3. something that closes or shuts, such as a cap or seal for a container
4. (Law / Parliamentary Procedure) (in a deliberative body) a procedure by which debate may be halted and an immediate vote taken See also cloture, guillotine, gag rule
5. Chiefly US
a.  the resolution of a significant event or relationship in a person's life
b.  a sense of contentment experienced after such a resolution

I have learned that "closure" is a myth in regards to relationships and folks who ask for it... are misguided souls in denial.  There is no such thing as closure.  There is only what you decide is the end of a thing.  It could be the end of a marriage, a long-term relationship, a job, friendship.  Closure is a myth!

We think we want closure because we can't accept the end of something so abruptly or without explanation.  We think we need and want PROOF?  As if behaviours aren't enough, as if we are blind and incapable of seeing what is presented.  We act as though we don't know who we are and we need reassurance that we are not crazy.

Closure for some validates an affair or infidelity, for others it confirms what we already know to be true...we are not where we ought to be.  Looking for "closure" keeps us trapped in an in unreality that does not serve us.  I can't say that I ever needed closure.  I knew that seeking "closure" was a trap, destined to keep you wondering and worrying about what if and never focused on the what is.  People tell you who they are all the time,  and we just refuse to see them or accept them.  For example if you want to be in a relationship with someone and they have excuses why they can't based on their behavior, and you get it into your head that if they would just say they don't want a relationship somehow this will give you closure! Do you see how foolish that can be?.  If you love someone who doesn't love you (love is a verb and you see that they are not returning your ardor) and you ask for "closure" you are a FOOL! It's not what we say it's what we do.

We all have been a FOOL! I have played the fool more times than I can say.  Love requires you to play and be the FOOL.  It's when you refuse to stop being the FOOL and you are seeking"closure" is a fool's game.

We have to understand what we want and what we are getting and what we need to satisfy our soul.  Looking for closure might just be another way to run from our lives.. to not look at the what is.

I am meditating on this thought.  I hope you will too and come come back and let me know your thoughts..


Mizrepresent said...

I used to say this, especially when my ex was so angry with me after our divorce. I would say "i need to talk with him...i need closure." Several years down the road he sent me an email saying, "I forgive you." I'm thinking, forgive me, forgive me for what? I don't have to go into details on how this all ended, but will tell you, that i said that he needed to forgive himself. I was fine. I don't need closure. It's over. I was not want you wanted. You left. I left. I have recovered. What i think alot of ex-married people do is mistakenly carry on as if we are beholden to these individuals, when we are not. When i think about all of the mean and malicious things he did, i just shake my head and thank God for the experience and also the freedom. I may be without a significant other at this point in time, but i wouldn't trade this peace, this joy, for any of the last moment of our marriage, thus case closed. Whew! Sorry about the diary entry Sis, lol. I'm good!

Big Mark 243 said...

I have always thought of 'closure' as a myth, a construct by which an cottage industry was created out of pixie dust...

People need to treat a person who says 'leave me alone' as if they were an open flame... no matter what you must avoid being burned to spare yourself a greater pain than if you remain by its heat...

Her Side said...

Many years ago, I solved the riddle of "closure." It's a veiled hunger for vindication, and from that day on - I laughed everytime I heard a man or woman utter the words.

If you watch somebody seeking closure long enough, you'll find one of two unhealthy emotions as work: (1) A desire to get back in the door by engaging the ex in conversationn or (2) a search for enough info to feel vindicated in the whole affair.

I have personally never witnessed a healthy need for "closure." Healthy is the ability to walk away without the other person's permission...