I am daring to be transparent in my loveship. I am going to share my feelings of what has been plaguing me since the beginning of the possibility of marriage. I have resentments that need to be addressed, otherwise things will fester and grow and become larger than life. Do I say what's bothering me?, or do I suck it up and let it go? The answer is tell the truth. If you love someone you owe them the truth. If you love yourself you owe yourself the truth.
I have given him money every time he asked. He seems to be in a financial bind all the time. He is a damsel in distress and I am the Knight charging in to rescue him (and I don't have shit to give). It's been over 2 years and he is still wrestling with the issues he was dealing with when we were young back in the day. He is living in Baltimore sharing an apartment with an old friend. The other day he was whining about getting his own place because of (insert any issue). And yet he easily finds fault with my choices and my decisions. Now all of this is petty and background noise because for the most part he is a man who is kind and generous and cares deeply for people. He wrestles his inner demons better than most and I love the way he is very God centered.
I know he is struggling. I know he is kicking himself for all the missed and lost opportunities to further his education, make more money and have better relationship with his kids. We all are harder on ourselves than the world could ever be on us. He is my friend and I care deeply about his well being. If I say yes to a commitment will I be making a huge mistake? And can I get past my own fears and insecurities?
I am going to share these feeling with him in a loving even toned way. I want to talk openly and honestly about what my fears are and what I see as I look to the future with him. He is there and i am here so nothing has a sense of urgency or can happen all at once. Plans would have to be considered, made and implemented. Could we join our lives together?
I do know that wherever I follow my heart my head must also come along. I am too mature to be simple minded. I am not a stupid woman. And I am not trying to be so quick to judge. We could be great together and we could realize all our dreams. We could be each others soul mate and live happily ever after in friendship, harmony and love. We could commit to being committed and work at Us 25/8. The possibilities of love are endless, it just all depends on what I am willing to do on my part and what I am willing to support on his part.
We shall see.