Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Wherever My Heart Goes, My Head Must Come Along

I am daring to be transparent in my loveship.  I am going to share my feelings of what has been plaguing me since the beginning of the possibility of marriage.  I have resentments that need to be addressed, otherwise things will fester and grow and become larger than life.  Do I say what's bothering me?, or do I suck it up and let it go?  The answer is tell the truth.  If you love someone you owe them the truth.  If you love yourself you owe yourself the truth.

I have given him money every time he asked.  He seems to be in a financial bind all the time.  He is a damsel in distress and I am the Knight charging in to rescue him (and I don't have shit to give).  It's been over 2 years and he is still wrestling with the issues he was dealing with when we were young back in the day.  He is living in Baltimore sharing an apartment with an old friend.  The other day he was whining about getting his own place because of (insert any issue).  And yet he easily finds fault with my choices and my decisions.  Now all of this is petty and background noise because for the most part he is a man who is kind and generous and cares deeply for people.  He wrestles his inner demons better than most and I love the way he is very God centered.

I know he is struggling.  I know he is kicking himself for all the missed and lost opportunities to further his education, make more money and have better relationship with his kids.  We all are harder on ourselves than the world could ever be on us.  He is my friend and I care deeply about his well being.  If I say yes to a commitment will I be making a huge mistake? And can I get past my own fears and insecurities?

I am going to share these feeling with him in a loving even toned way.  I want to talk openly and honestly about what my fears are and what I see as I look to the future with him.  He is there and i am here so nothing has a sense of urgency or can happen all at once.  Plans would have to be considered, made and implemented.  Could we join our lives together? 

I do know that wherever I follow my heart my head must also come along.  I am too mature to be simple minded.  I am not a stupid woman.  And I am not trying to be so quick to judge.  We could be great together and we could realize all our dreams.  We could be each others soul mate and live happily ever after in friendship, harmony and love.  We could commit to being committed and work at Us 25/8.  The possibilities of love are endless, it just all depends on what I am willing to do on my part and what I am willing to support on his part.

We shall see.

4 comments:

Mizrepresent said...

As we grow older Love is not the only component to a healthy relationship. You are doing the right thing in not only thinking about it, but discussing it with him. Keep your head up my sister, all will be well!

Big Mark 243 said...

I will be back tomorrow ... right now, my mind is too cluttered to leave a comment that I can stand behind right now.

But I will be back..!

Big Mark 243 said...

This entry took me by surprise. I would never have pictured you in the kind of relationship as you describe here. I could not reply when I first read your words because I immediately personalized what you had shared. The general direction of your entry brought to mind a topic that is trending in my own mind but have not yet sat down to ponder just yet.

Your partner is a ‘damsel in distress’? That, to me, translates into a person who has problems with prioritizing their lives. People like that, always finding themselves surrendering to situation almost always carry a negatively charge energy with them. At this point in your relationship you have made certain observations that bring into question the viability of any potential relationship that you have with this man.

And I say ‘potential’ because any relationship where there is no attachment to bring one partner to the other outside of the relationship, is not a relationship, to me. The idea that you have to travel from city to city in order to see your partner seems to be contrary to being in an exclusive relationship.

Sending money over the miles is another bad sign. Period. You can’t interject anything that changes this almost immutable law or relationships. When you find yourself making sacrifices so that your partner doesn’t have to make sacrifices, then that makes you an enabler. Whatever qualities that he possesses that brought him to these myriad problems is NOT going to be good enough to keep him from falling repeatedly into them. He will always be a damsel in distress, particularly while he is in Baltimore and you are in Connecticut.

Based on what you have shared, I don’t think that he is able to do what is needed. My understanding of you and your life has you rooted to where you are at, and that with the insight gained in this entry, your paramour is not only able to move to be with you, he is at risk on his own.

Why haven’t you had this discussion about what future you both have together before now? Ok, have this discussion, but you better have plans to set a new course. There are only so many correct answers to an equation like this and most of the ones you have shared here are wrong.

This frustration that you have (because that is what I sense in you… an underlying frustration) with your loveship I think is due to you having to carry more than your share without any realistic hope of seeing anything come of your investment or sacrifices.

You are arguing with the logic of your pursuit. Thing about logic is that it never changes if properly used. Follow your brain, not your heart.

Lovebabz said...

Mark,

I have been in this thing with him for over 2 years. He and I grew up together.

We have a very intwined history. I have been the Knight for him since our college days. I reread my journals of well over 20 years and he is still struggling with the same shit. He is a solid Brother if only..... and that is where I have complications. If only he could get it together. If only I could be more understanding. I know better.

I've know for all our lives that this isn't going to work. He is stuck and there is nothing I can do about that. I cannot continue to rescue him, nor can I continue to enable him. He will have a sob story all his life and he will continue to make poor choices.

Thank you.

I just needed an objective voice to say what I was not willing to say. I know I have to cut him loose. I keep hoping for a miracle...but maybe the miracle is that I got to love someone unexpected...someone I knew from my past and felt safe with.