I have undermined everything I said I would not do. I have tolerated drama. I have made allowances and excuses for a certain kind of behaviour that I know in my heart was bullshit. All I can offer as an explanation is that while I was in the whirlwind of being strung along, I didn't see clearly. I believed what I wanted to see. I allowed wishing and fantasy to to be my prevailing thoughts. I was stuck on stupid.
I wanted a relationship. And I convinced myself that I had all this relationship work to do....based on what "He" said. If "he" said I needed to work on X then it must be true. If "He" said that I was acting like this, that and other, then it must be true. I listened and listened and really did start to believe the bullshit. Oh there were moments when I had enough and said so, but then I would get seduced...rooked back into a dialogue on the possibility of marriage and commitment. I realized I was desperate to make this work.
What is this thing about relationship where I lose my mind. Maybe this was my real message, notice where I am desperate and work on that. Perhaps this is where I need to put my attention...why am I so desperate for a loveship. I mean I have a love list that I didn't follow!
Back to self analysis. Back to discernment. Back to contemplative prayer.
I do know right now that being desperate is not a good way to get a husband. That looking good or almost good or maybe good is NOT good enough! Holding onto some one's potential to meet you half way is not a good place to build lasting love. I knew this and yet I sold out. Sure, history, great sex weighed heavy in my insanity about this relationship. But I was annoyed and unhappy more than I was joyous and excited. How could I constantly ignore that?
Yep, I gotta leave him alone and get back to my love list, which is really getting back to me and becoming my best self.
Thanks Big Mark 243... you turned on the light.