I am learning that when I am bored, lonely and desperate for attention I choose foolishly. I want to reconnect with what I already thrown away. Walked away from. As if coming back around is going to somehow be different. It is these moments of insanity that trips me up and I suspect a whole lot of folks.
We lean toward the familiar. We know this devil. And therefore we brace ourselves and charge in full steam. Disregarding all the hard work it took to undo the foolishness. Are we crazy? am I crazy? No we are not. I found a quote from Debbie Ford that was buried under some papers:
FEAR AND RESISTANCE ARISE WHEN YOU DON'T TRUST THAT WHERE YOU ARE GOING IS BETTER THAN WHERE YOU'VE BEEN.
AH HA! THAT'S IT! What drives us back to mess is our own fears that nothing else will come back around. That perhaps this mess could be fixed. The old mess might be worth salvaging. This trips me up every time. And it runs contrary to what I know: THERE IS NO CONVINCING IN LOVE. And this is what I am doing if I am still holding out hope that this mess could be salvaged, re-worked and made shiny and new.
WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
These two small questions have the power to change our lives. We have to be open to the answers but most importantly we have to ask the questions first.