Friday, February 29, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: ANSWERS AND THE LAST LOVE & PASSION POEM #29

This has been a week of many changes and challenges for me. I only know that this morning. I didn't realize while each day was unfolding that I was shedding another layer. I was purging. Giving up some ghosts. I see that clearly this morning. I feel happy in my heart. There are some exciting possibilities on the horizon. I believe I have found my tribe and they have accepted my offer to help. This is Divine. I asked someone to co-write a poem with me and he said yes! How Divine!

I am getting answers to the things I am asking about and things I am asking for. This week was illuminating in a very special way. I have stepped into another phase. I feel it. And I like. And I am not afraid.

Linda Cousins
Love Being Loved


i have loved
being embraced
by man

but there is no embrace
like the enduring
and gentle
yet freeing embrace

of the Spirit

i have loved
making love
to man
but there is no love made
like the love

of the Spirit
remaining ever
as One
with you

not separating
after moments of ecstasies
to become duality
once more

ever as one

ever as One
in the loving
embrace
in the climactic
high
of an inner life
that sustains
and remains
eternally

and I need such
sustaining
and eternally
remaining
don’t you?

ever as one
ever as One
in the eternal
sweet
Love embrace

of the Spirit.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

HEALING AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #28

My son Gregory was the oldest child we adopted. He arrived when he was 5 years old, he is now 9 years old. He came with some mental health challenges. One being He hoard's food. We thought he had stopped but he has started back up. It is heart breaking to see a kid so wounded so young. He is afraid that he will be hungry again. He is not convinced in his soul that HERE he has more than enough. He knows it intellectually, but spiritually he is afraid. He is struggling. He has made great progress in the last 4 years since we adopted him. But, old wounds are hard to heal. So his fear is getting the best of him at the moment.

I understand that kind of fear. Being raped as a child and sold for sex to strangers by my father creates a level of fear that almost breaks you...almost. I have my issues that still haunt me. Not like my son's haunting. I have long since made some peace with my father and his abuse. However I struggle with some residual fall-out, like weight and body image. For me gaining weight has been the distance I needed to have between being that Little Girl and this Grown Woman. To be thinner would mean being back in that Little Girl space. That is my demon. There are others. But for the sake of today this is all I am prepared to hang-out to the world.

So as Gregory's Mother, I want to protect him and care for him and love him. I am not afraid of his mental health challenges. They all have their issues...all of my children have seen too much as children. I believe my role is to be an alternate route for them. A lighthouse for a safe passage. In being that for them, I get to be that for myself. The adults around me as a child did not/could not protect me for whatever reasons, but now I get to protect my children and in doing so, I go back and protect myself. I get to do for them what wasn't done for me. This makes me happy. It makes me strong and shows me just how powerful God is. God has entrusted me with the care of these children and in doing so, I suspect he has saved my life.

Sandra San-Viki Chapman
Relationship

I need to be with me now
I need to let myself love me deeply
Care for me tenderly
Help me carefully
I need to take me in my arms
Rock myself into a deep sleep
And rest until my spirit rises
Renewed and willed for a work
Long overdue

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

FEELING SAD AND BLUE AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #27

I am out of balance. I am feeling a bit sad. It is not a state of mind I like being in and I recognize it when it shows up. I am however, not going to run from feeling out of sorts. I am going to allow myself this time to feel these feelings. I am going to allow my self the honor of feeling sad and blue. Mind you I am not wallowing in self-pity. I am allowing myself the time to keep my own council and retreat for a bit into myself. I am not afraid that this will turn into full blown depression. I believe, when I do not give myself the opportunity to get in touch with my real feelings and deal with what's underneath that is causing me pain then depression has opportunity to take root. I have to give myself back to myself and stand fully in my spirit.

So today I am retreating inward. I am going to spend my day in prayer and meditation. I am shutting out the noise of the world and finding my center. I am slowing down the routine of my life today and will return renewed and in balance. If not I will take another day and another day...as many days as I need until I am feeling renewed and replenished.

Dorothy Meekins
A Place Called Comfort

The last time I gave my lover a bath, my hands caressed his
smooth black skin. The small ripples of waves brushed gently against the tub, taking with them lifeless, skin, that retreated to the foot of the tub.

The essence of flowers added sweet smells and candlelight
danced against walls. I stroked him gently and wished the night could last forever. His perfectly chiseled body lay limp
from the steam created by the hot water and his eyelids
relaxed to a near closed position.

Sometimes now, as I fall asleep, I remember that time, the
pleasant small talk and my escalating emotions. He melted
inside me that day and I found within the experience, a place called Comfort.

The last time I gave my lover a bath, I went to a place that protected me from all the pain that my life has known, a place
called Comfort.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: LEARNING TO LIVE IN FORGIVENESS AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #26

The other day someone posted with a question about how do I deal with the emotion of anger in regards to my estranged husband. I posted back that I would post my thoughts soon. Today is soon.

I started this blog because I was overwhelmed with everything. And in posting and thinking and praying and reading all sorts of personal development books and notes and working on my spirit. I have come to realize that I do not own the feelings of another. I have accepted the fact that my estranged husband left this marriage. Of course I was angry, I was blind with rage, hurt and betrayal. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to feel like I was feeling. Then one day I looked around and I could see my children were paying close attention to my every action. They were afraid. So I knew I had to change my course. I realize that I do not hate my estranged husband. I love him. And in saying that and believing that how can I wish him anything other than peace on earth. For the sake of my children I did a complete turn around. I decided to shift the focus from my estranged husband and what he did to me, to what can I do for myself to live how I want to live. His love is not the only love I get to have and enjoy in this life.

I know this is working because while at my Sister-friend JB's for a Valentine's luncheon, I heard my children say: Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced, but they are still best friends and will always love each other. You know I got to tears faster than a NY minute. My sister friend JB said: "Girl your children's feelings are evidence that you have done the right thing". I believe I have.

So I forgive my soon-to-be EX-husband. I do not forgive him for his sake alone, but for all our sakes. Forgiving him releases me. It frees me from him. It gives me persmission to move toward a grander love and prepares me to recieve a deeper love. There are days that my anger rises and the resentment sneaks in, but I recognize them and I call them out and beat them back. I had a melt-down for Valentine's Day because he went out on a date. He went out and was romantic and loving to some other woman and it was hard for me to bear. I cried it all out and the next morning a rainbow appeared and all was well.

Forgiveness is linked to Love. I choose Love over fear. Fear would have kept me tied to drama. Fear would have said I have no control over my life or my emotions. Fear would require acts of desperation, fear keeps you paralyzed in mess. Fear stops growth. Fear is not God's plan.

I choose Love at every turn.

Barbara-Marie Green
Before the Act
(Dedicated to Women) * this is the authors parenthesis

Before we become intimate
You must show me
That you really know
How to love me,
Spiritually.
You can show this love
With your smile,
Your touch, your gaze,
Your hushed words,
Your caring and sharing,
Your respect, trust
And loyal friendship.
Only then, and in due time,
And, after you have declared
Your God-given love for me
And I have declared mine for you,
Only then, can we truly,
truly love each other.

Monday, February 25, 2008

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGEAUX! AND LOVE AND PASSION POEM #25



Today is Margeaux Helena's 6th birthday! We named her after my late mother, Margaret and my mother-in-law Helen. Margeaux was the only child to arrive as a newborn...2 weeks old. We had to wait until she got to exactly 5 lbs before she could come home--she was born with drugs in her system and was low birth weight. She did go to a foster home for a few days right out of the hospital while we were jumping through home inspection hoops, updating our adoption paper work and so on.

The Social Worker arrived with her in a car seat and a little diaper bag, that was all she had. She was so tiny wrapped in moutains of pink blankets. The Social Worker put her in my arms and said see ya! I was stunned! What! where are you going so fast I said. She looked at me and firmly said: "you are her mother, you will be fine". And out the door she went. In that moment the real love affair began.
Nikki Giovanni
ALWAYS THERE WILL BE CHILDREN

and always there will be children

there will be children in the heat of day
there will be children in the cold of winter

children like a quilted blanket
are welcomed in our old age

children like a block of ice to a desert sheik
are a sign of status in our youth

we feed the children with our culture
that they might understand our travail

we nourish the children on our gods
that they may understand respect

we urge the children on the tracks
that our race will not fall short

but children are not ours
nor we theirs they are future we are past

how do we welcome the future
not with the colonialism of the past
for that is our problem
not with the racism of the past
for that is their problem
not with the fears of our own status
for history is lived not dictated

we welcome the young of all groups
as our own with the solid nourishment
of food and warmth

we prepare the way with solid
nourishment of self-actualization

we implore all the young to prepare for the young
because always there will be children

Rome 12 November 1974

Sunday, February 24, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: LOVE & PASSION POEM #24

This morning I am deliciously happy. My Sister-friend JB is back from vacation! She stopped in last night for a good long chat and I am feeling like my universe is back in alignment...I missed her...terribly!
I am happy about other things too, but it's too early to chat about. However, I will say someone has captured my attention in a very intellectually sexy way--a man with a fine mind and a world vision and a loving spirit. I mean I am crushing on someone and I think he maybe crushing on me...so we shall see.

Pearl Cleage
Secret Life
(for Zaron)

we have a secret life,
you and i.
a life between the darkness
and the light
with your mouth on my,
my mouth on your...

we have a secret life
that binds us
and blinds us
and finds us gasping
and giggling
and grasping
at a way to stop time.

we have a secret life,
a movie in my mind
that flashes when they ask me
what i see in you.
what can i do?
how can i tell them
it's your mouth on my,
my mouth on your...

so don't even try.
i know the strength of secrets
is only in their keeping
and the beauty of the love
is always in the seeking
of that moment nothing matters
but that moment nothing matters.

we have a secret life,
a life between
the darkness and the light,
that keeps the world at bay
makes it all alright.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

FINALLY IT STOPPED SNOWING! AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #23







It SNOWED all day yesterday! Finally I had to go out and shovel, and of course turn the children loose. They love the snow. AAArgh!

Untitled
it does not matter
how long you stay
forever
is in me
and i control it.

your beauty
your joy
are mine
to recall
always
whenever…

your tenderness
is tucked around
the corners
of my heart
matters not
if we are
together
or apart

your gentleness
wakes me
with a smile
remembering
all those times
you held me tight
all through the night
remembering…

no
it does not matter
how long you stay
i keep you inside me
in my
very own
special
way

the glow
in your eyes
warms my soul
even after you’ve gone
to where
to whom
or what
the glow
lingers
and warms
and warms
and warms

Friday, February 22, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: AM I THE ONE THAT I WANT? AND LOVE AND PASSION POEM #22

I am no different than a lot of women. I want to be in love. I want a loving long standing relationship. But what exactly does that mean? Really? I have love relationships, I have long standing loving relationships. I have people in my life who love me and have moved heaven and earth for my happiness and I love them with the same passion and commitment. What am I longing for? What is it that I want? And if I am clear about what I want, am I also that very thing? What do I have that would make another heart feel peaceful?

Have I done enough personal development work and spiritual development work in preparation for a soul mate? Have I unpacked my baggage and put away my demons so that when Mr. Divine Right Man shows up, I am ready? I am not so sure. I am not so sure I am who I want at the moment. And if I am unsure as to what I want and need and desire, then how is someone going to know? When you have no idea of what you want then whatever shows up is good enough? Is it just ok to have someone want you, without ever thinking if you truly want them? Is that love by default? Is that better than being alone?

I am growing into myself and in doing that, my requirements of a soul-mate grows and becomes more defined. As I become more of who I am supposed to be, my soul-mate is getting closer and I suspect waiting with baited breath for me to step into my Grown Woman space more fully. I am not looking for an "ultimate relationship" that is way too much pressure and creates a level of expectation that cannot be sustained. What I am hoping for is clarity, and time for further discernment. There is no rush. I am in no hurry. Of course there will be a new lover. I have every faith in that. Will that love connection stand the test of time? Who knows. I do know that I am fixing my mind to attract my heart's desire, just as I am growing myself to become my heart's desire... with God's help of course.

Naomi Long Madgett
Reply

I cannot swear with any certainty
That I will always feel as I do now,
Loving you with the same fierce ecstasy,
Needing the same your lips upon my brow.
Nor can I promise stars forever bright,
Or vow green leaves will never turn gold.
I cannot see beyond this present night
To say what promises the dawn may hold.
And yet, I know my heart must follow you
High up to hilltops, low through vales of tears,
Through golden days and days of sombre hue.
And love will only deepen with the years,
Becoming sun and shadow, wind and rain,
Wine that grows mellow, bread that will sustain.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

REMEMBERING DANBURY AND LOVE AND PASSION POEM #21

I have not talked a great deal about serving time at the Danbury Federal Prison Camp. Not because I am ashamed or find it upsetting. Quite the contrary. I am not ashamed to have served there. I am over that. There is nothing I can do about the past. And what is the past anyway, but memories in your mind. I haven't talked about it because I wanted to create a real space for it. To give it respect. To honor that time. No I am not holding it up as a thing of pride, but as an experience that has shaped my rethinking about my life, how I choose to come to love and community and GOD.

From an outsider's perspective 30 days...actually 29 days is not a huge amount of time. For me it was an eternity. I still think I can't really share my experience here in the way that I need to. Perhaps I will dedicate a series of posts or perhaps some other outlet for its release, or maybe not.

My life when laid out is big. It is grand and sweeping and full of lots of different kinds of experiences and people. I have done a lot, seen a lot, been a lot of different things and I am still evolving into the woman I am destined to become. I am getting out of my own way...ok most days I am getting out of my own way and letting the spirit of God move me forward. I am accutely aware of that. I am opening myself up to new experiences and new people that will only add positively to my evolution. Danbury does not loom large over my existence, but it does have its place. The women I met while there were some of the most gracious and caring women I have ever met. I think of them often and I hold them in my prayers. I know they are thinking of me from time to time...I can feel their spirit wishing me well.

I am fearless and forever prayerful and exceedingly hopeful about the world and my place in it. I recognize the grace of my life and the love that surrounds me. I am living in the right now and I am loving it.

Dorothy E. King
CJ--The End

go forth

knowing

that i love you

that i wish only good things
for you

that i hope you find your rainbow
with a golden pot
full of whatever it is you desire

that while our time together was brief
it filled a lifetime worth of dreams

go forth
with the tender feelings
i tear from my heart
to share with you

go forth
knowing
that i will remember it all
every moment

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

THE JOY OF VIRTUAL FRIENDS AND WHY I LOVE THIS BLOGGING THING AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #20

When I started this blog, I had no expectations. I had no idea who I would meet or if anyone would care about what I have to say. I just wanted to share my broken heart. I wanted to put my life out into the universe as a way to heal. It will be a year in May 2008. I am amazed that I have so much to say. My "True Love" friends are still in shock about what I share here. They can't imgaine why I do it. It is beyond their comprehension. But they have noticed that I have changed dramatically. I am no longer fearful, or tearful, or distant and depressed. I am more of myself these day than I have been in a very long time. Stripping down to your soul for all the world to see takes guts. I needed a gutsy act to jumpstart my heart and push me forward.

Never did I dream that I would fall in love with a community of folks that have wished me well, cheered me on and offered sage advice. Folks from all over the world have stopped in. Folks who are as diverse as snowflakes. I have been able to chat with folks in faraway places about things I wouldn't have time to discuss with my "True Love" friends. I have connected with folks so deeply that I can't imagine my life without them. It is as if I have always known them. My blog roll reflects just a few of the places I love. I may have to take a page from CapCity and commit a whole page to a blogroll!

What has been the most surprising is the number of blogs created by Brothers. That alone has restored my faith in love. These Brothers are writing about love and broken hearts and poetry and family, children, joy, books, science, music, you name it--there is a Brother somewhere blogging about it. Brothers have welcomed me and nurtured me in my short time in the blog world and I am truly grateful.

Sisters already know how to connect and support each other. I believe it is in our DNA. It has been Sisters posting and cheering and checking in. It has been the most healing of experiences feeling the love of Sisters from around the globe. There are Sisters who are up against it with their health, love lives, families, jobs you name it. But yet, and still so many have found me and had extra love to share. I am in awe of the power of love and connection.

So to all my virtual "True Love" friends THANK YOU! THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND POSTS!

Derek Walcott
Love after Love

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FEELING VERY MJB: "I LIKE WHAT I SEE WHEN I AM LOOKING AT ME WHEN I AM WALKING PAST THE MIRROR" AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #19

A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my best friend "R" at our favorite malaysian restaurant Bentara's. I was going on and on about how I couldn't possibly have sex with this body. I was going on and on about my tummy, my thighs, everything. Until finally he said, "Do you hate yourself?" I was a bit stunned, of course I don't hate myself. He then says: I know you don't, but that is what I hear when you talk about yourself in that way. WOW! I had no idea that was the case. I mean I am pretty confident, fearless even. He went further on to say, that I was way too hard on myself and that a Real and Grown Man will be into you not because of how you look, but how you are. And he thought that I didn't savor the fact that I have been through a lot these last few years. Stuff that would break so many people and yet here I am standing. I never much thought about giving myself a break. I knew I was raising my consiousness, but I wasn't paying attention to the negative talk I was saying to my physical self.

So fast forward a few more weeks having lunch at the same malaysian restaurant with my sister-friend JB before going to see the Anna Deveare Smith play...I posted about this weeks ago. Anway, she said the same exact thing, that she thought I was being way too hard on myself and that I should just love the body I am in right now. She is right.

So today I am releasing my body hatred. This is the body I have and this is the body that houses the love that I give and recieve. So from now on as part of my spiritual growth practices, I will stand in the mirror naked everyday and hug my whole self and tell myself that I love ME just as I am. I will continue going to the gym but with a different mindset. One that says getting fit connects the mind, body and spirit. I will continue to be mindful of what I eat. Nothing will be off limits, I am not depriving myself of anything, just changing the direction of the energy.

And last but not least, I am going shopping for new underwear! I mean I am getting sexy, sexy, sexy! Don't get me wrong I am erring on the side of comfort but these days you can have sexy and comfort too. I am, like Justin Timberlake "bringing Sexy BACK!"

Pat Parker
Untitled

Let me come to you naked
come without my masks
come dark
and lay beside you

Let me come to you old
come as a dying snail
come weak
and lay beside you

Let me come to you angry
come shaking with hate
come callused
and lay beside you

even more

Let me come to you strong
come sure and free
come powerful

and lay with you

Monday, February 18, 2008

GUILT-FREE DAY AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #18

When I was a kid my Mother did not allow for sleeping late on the weekends. "Don't let the day get away" That has stayed with me my whole life. Now I am the only one of my siblings that has this problem. The other three can sleep in. My brother Bob-O is more like me though, he can't really sleep in either. So today it's a holiday and it's pouring rain. I mean it is dark and overcast. Surely no one can venture out on a day like today...so, I am sleeping in! It is a GUILT FREE DAY! The children can make cereal for breakfast and PB&J for lunch with chips and juice box. I can lay in my bed and read my magazines, books and newspapers, pull out all my favorite women singing cds--Lizz Wright, Vanessa Williams, Brenda Russell, Minnie Ripperton, Carole King, Abby Lincoln and a few others for as long as I like. Of course I will get sick of being in the bed. But I am going to force myself to relax and do nothing. DO NOTHING! I am always doing something, but today I am DOING NOTHING!

Nikki Giovanni
I WANT TO SING

i want to sing
a piercing note
lazily throwing my legs
across the moon
my voice carrying all the way
over to your pillow
i want you

i need i swear to loll
about the sun
and have it smelt me
the ionosphere carrying
my ashes all
the way over
to your pillow
i want you

Sunday, February 17, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: DEACON?...YIKES! YES THAT WOULD BE ME AND POEM #17

A few weeks ago I was approached by my Church to become a Deacon. I was shocked! SHOCKED, STUNNED, AFRAID. When I got the call, it started with "We think you are an amazing woman. We would be honored if you joined us as part of the leadership of the Church" I couldn't believe it. I kept saying: you know this is me? The scandalous and infamous me, right? My Minister reminded me that God Has ALREADY forgiven you, why can't YOU! So I accepted. Yesterday was the Deacon's retreat, there are about 12 of us. It was one of the best days ever. I was so relaxed and so at home and I could feel my spirit singing all day. And after Friday night's crash and burn, Saturday morning was the rainbow. I felt amazingly peaceful and purposeful.

I came home filled with joy. I thanked my estranged husband for taking care of the beanie beans, bid him farewell and took the children out for the remainder of the afternoon. We went to Target, the craft store and then to the bookstore. I was specifically looking for a new bible, the one I have is the one I was given in 1973 when I was baptized in the pentecostal church...yep I need a new bible. Now over the years I have been given bibles--like from college graduation--I went to a HBCU so that is standard practice...but I digress. I picked-up Anne Lamont Bird by Bird and The Message//Remix: Solo and a beautiful journal---I am always buying beautiful journals. I didn't find a bible. I've not talked about my faith specifically, it is very private to me. I am not a pentecostal member, have not been since I was a kid. I am a member of United Church of Christ...you know that very liberal church that Obama is a member of. I have been thinking of going to the Divinity school here. My neighbor is the Dean. I met with them well before I was elected to office and when I was elected I sort of put it away. Then while I was away serving my 29 day sentence, I thought of it again. But did nothing about it. There are a whole series of events that happened, bringing me closer to applying to the Divinity school...becoming a deacon is one such example. There are others. My whole life has been one burning bush after another. So I am listening to God's call and I guess God is like...FINALLY.

Oh and did I mention there were 2 dozen RED roses waiting for me on Saturday when I arrived home with a little I love you balloon! A kind and caring soul wanted me to know that I was loved and to keep my head up. Hey, if anybody is looking for me, I will be on cloud 9 all day!

Lindsay Patterson
BE WARNED

ALTHOUGH
YOU DO NOT LOVE
ME YET
EMOTION HAS
A STRANGE WAY OF
ENTERING THE
NERVOUS SYSTEM
AND CLUTCHING
THE HEART...
NOT VICIOUSLY
YOU UNDERSTAND
BUT VIOLENTLY.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

SATURDAY MORNING MUSINGS AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #16

My estranged husband went out on a date last night to NYC to see the Color Purple. He has been dating for quite some time. He has gotten over me. To me it seems like overnight, but my "True Love" friends remind me that he left the marriage, well before he "left the marriage" So in essence he had a head start in getting past me. I am just getting used to the thought that he doesn't live here anymore. He is pursuing a new relationship. I cried more than I should have yesterday--breaking my own rule--that I posted months ago to stop all that damned crying...but I digress. NO! I do no want him back and NO! I do not want to reconcile. I just want to be where he is...over me. I want to be over me too.

So here is what I know: I have not lost a husband. I am not a widow. What is happening is the Universe IS making space for my new life. For my new dreams and my new love. I did not lose him, he left. And in leaving he has set in motion all the wonderful things that are just right outside my door. There are new adventures to be had, new relationships to grow and love to me made. My role is to be still, stay focused and keep an open heart. I get to choose who I want to be in all of this and of course I choose love and happiness...this is my year!

Sybil Kein
Flowers

When you make love
to me
I must confess,
your eyes are
April moist,
poetic.
With their lovely light,
they open my fingers
to catch the silence
of your sweet flesh.
Each time,
with each move,
we make a garden.

Friday, February 15, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: LOVE HANG-OVER AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #15

I was expecting to have a meltdown yesterday. I was planning for it. I was prepared for it. For the first time in my adult life I was not a part of a couple. I was not someone's love interest. No flowers from a lover. No intimate little gifts of affection. I was prepared for the blues to poke in. They did. They showed-up yesterday morning while I was in the shower lathering up with my favorite shower gel and all the the memories of showering with Him came rushing in. I did what any Warrior Queen would do, I beat them back. Turned up my MJB CD...Fine, Fine, Fine and I was. The day was lovely, lots of well wishing and phone calls and e-cards and flowers. All was well. Until about 10:00pm the blues crept back in and the thought of going to bed alone was overwhelming. I mean there was nothing to do but cry. And cry I did. A nice long soulful cry. Now there is a piece missing here--but it is rather private. Someone did reach out to me and shared their spirit with me. That was beyond comforting. They were not physically here, but here nonetheless. I am grateful for the long distance reach. So here I am feeling further along in my spiritual journey and feeling like the Warrior Queen that I am. There was a shift last night in the time space continuum. I see things in a different light. Morning has that power...the power of clarity and illumination of the dark places of the mind. I am boldly walking toward my destiny. I feel it. Love is in the everyday. It is the doing and the being and the divinity. That is the real gift, walking in faith and knowing that love is sensual and intellectual and physical, spiritual, mental and all emcompassing. My goal is to accept my broken pieces along with the whole pieces and allow God to do the heavy lifting. He is preparing my divine mate as I prepare my spirit to recieve. In the meantime...the work continues.

Cicely Rodway
For a New love

Love has come
Unexpectedly
And truth filled:

It has torn open
Closed places
That no longer
Need hiding places
Now that love has come
Unrushed
Building gentle joy
Wisps in new places.
And in new spaces
It was worth
Waking for.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE LOVE...HANDS DOWN AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #13

In my earlier posts when I was overwhelmed with a broken heart as my husband unexpectedly announced He was leaving our marriage. I had an epiphany and realized then as I do now, THERE IS NO CONVINCING IN LOVE. And to that I add, there is no auditioning for love. There is only Love or Fear. You have to choose love. You have to choose love with all your being. You have to stand up for love. Accept no imitations. If you are afraid, then you are not ready. If you are hesitant, then you are not ready. If you accept mistreatment disguised as "all part of" then you are not ready.

God already loves you. God already accepts you. God already has your back. All you have to do is reach with arms wide open and let your heart not be troubled. If it hurts, it ain't love. If it is not joyous, it ain't love. If it is ambigious, it ain't love. If it is not truthful, it ain't love. We cannot make love into something we know in our hearts it is not. Love's definition is clear...it is We who are not.

1 Corinthians 13

13:1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
13:2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
13:3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
13:4 Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful;
13:5 it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
13:6 it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
13:8 Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
13:9 For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect;
13:10 but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away.
13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood.
13:13 So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: COUNT DOWN TO VALENTINE'S DAY AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #12

I am waiting for my Sister-friends to arrive for our Tuesday luncheon. I have time to post today in between their arrival because it is not my turn to cook. I love and need these Tuesdays. They get me through the rest of the week with gusto. I love to entertain, I love company and I love well prepared food. It is a little slice of decadence that we all relish.

As I stated at the begining of February, I love Valentine's Day. I love the notion of a day committed to all things love. Yes, I know every day ought to be filled with love and it is, but February 14th, well, that is the capstone for all things love. I am a hopeless romantic. I own it. I am shameless in my faith in love and happiness. I have seen too much, experienced too much and have decided that love and happiness suits me. I am not some silly empty headed school girl. I am standing in the Grown Woman Space with my heart on my sleeve. I do not want to be cautious and afraid of love. I do not want to be shy or guarded. I want to be falling down drunk with love. I have known what its like to be without love and I can't go back to that...EVER! So this is my favorite time of the year. I am thinking about what I want to do in celebration and getting my home in order to welcome in the love of the day. It will start with lots and lots and lots of flowers. The doorbell will start ringing tomorrow with deliveries from good friends and old loves from around the globe. My friends always race to send me flowers because they know that my pleasures are simple; cut flowers bring me joy. And they know that last year was tough and they want to send their love. The cards have already begun arriving from far and wide. I mail out mine today, or perhaps tomorrow if I can't get by this damned approaching snow storm...but I digress.

So I am counting down the days till February 14th. There will be my favorite bottle of champagne, there will be my favorite dairy-free chocolates, there will be strawberries and Lizz Wright cds. I will have a candle light dinner with my beautiful children and we will recite love poems and dance. Off to bed with them and it will be me and the remains of the day. I will sit in solitude ushering out the wonderful day. I will end the day as I began it...in love. And yes, there is always room for the unexpected surprises and unexpected pleasures.

Henry Dumas
Love Song

Beloved
I have to adore the earth:

The wind must have heard
your voice once.
It echoes and sings like you.

The soil must have tasted
you once.
It is laden with your scent.

The trees honor you
in gold
and blush when you pass.

I know why the north country
is frozen.
It has been trying to preserve
your memory.

I know why the desert
burns with fever.
It has wept too long without you.

On hands and knees,
the ocean begs up the beach,
and falls at your feet.

I have to adore
the mirror of the earth.
You have taught her well
how to be beautiful.

Monday, February 11, 2008

MONDAY MONDAY AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #11

Bbbrrrr! it is wickedly cold here in Connecticut. As I am getting older I am really hating the cold weather. I know it is Connecticut, but, still I can't stand it. I am thinking seriously about another part of the country that has more warmth than cold. Although Connecticut of late has been pretty mild, really unseasonably warm, just not today and I suspect according to the weather folks not tomorrow either. Brrrr....aaargh!

Yesterday after Church JB hosted a Valentine's Day luncheon with catfish and talapia, collard greens, potato salad, cornbread, green tossed salad...all done neo soul, meaning without dairy and pork fat, all very healthy and lovingly prepared. Also blueberry cobbler and the kids made Valentine's Day cookies! It was a rich and powerful day spent with a Sister-friend and her family that was not only restorative to my being, but also restorative to my children. It was one of the best days ever.

Maya Angelou
Come. And Be My Baby

The highway is full of big cars
going nowhere fast
And folks is smoking anything that'll burn
Some people wrap their lives around a cocktail glass
And you sit wondering
where you're going to turn.
I got it.
Come. And be my baby.

Some prophets say the world is gonna end tomorrow
But others say we've got a week or two
The paper is full of every kind of blooming horror
And you sit wondering
What you're gonna do.
I got it.
Come. And be my baby.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: SEASON OF LENTEN AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #10

I love the season of Lent. We are reading from the Psalms and I love it. It fits right into my mood of Love and Passion in Poetry. What can be more passionate than the Psalms and we all know the Bible is all about LOVE! This is a good mood for me. I like feeling romantic and optimistic and hopeful and happy. I have surrounded myself with caring loving, people. I have long standing friendships that are are to me the air that I breathe. I 've not worried over too much, which for me is no easy feat. And I have changed my mind about my life and my expectations and to that end my world is changing..for the best.

Today I have chosen a Traditonal Ethopian Prayer:
"BE FOR US A MOON OF JOY"

May you be for us a moon of joy and happiness.
Let the young become strong and the grown man
maintain his strength, the pregnant woman delivered
and the woman who has given birth suckle her child.
Let the stranger come to the end of his journey and those
who remain at home dwell safely in their houses. Let
the flocks that go to feed in the pastures return happily. May
you be a moon of harvest and of calves. May you be a
moon of restoration and of good health.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

SATURDAY MORNING MUSINGS AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #9

I think I mentioned before that I love the weekends. I love Staurdays. I get up at my leisure... the children can have cold cereal and they can get it themselves. Their Dad will pick them up at 9:30 for basketball until noon. Today we are going to see a college women's basketball team, my daughter Briana is excited because she loves basketball. We pulled Gregory off the team for the remainder of the season for behaviour unbecoming of a 9 year old. Yep, we don't play. Margeaux and Khalil will start indoor soccer once the basketball season is over. Indoor soccer is run by the same folks who run the basketball league. I am so looking forward to this, because it gives them a chance to experience team sports. Plus, all that running will definitely chill all that 5 and 6 year old energy.

Last night I had a long and illuminating discussion with my sister-friend JB about the state of our love affairs, or the lack thereof. I have come to some startling conclusions: 1) I am going to craft a Love List of 100 things I want in the Next Man that steps into the Man Space--saw this in the February O magazine 2) I am going to re-focus my energies on my health both mentally and physically...meaning I am going to work harder on both fronts. I am going to turn down the noise of ego...yes ego, that says forget about all your goals and stay where you are...bullshit! I am pressing forward. I feel better this morning. Last week was too consuming and literally threw me off course. Not a huge deal, I was only out of sorts last week for short periods of time. I am refocused. Refocused indeed!

The Butterfly
those things
which you so laughingly call
hands are in fact two
brown butterflies fluttering
across the pleasure
they give
my body

Friday, February 8, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: NECESSARY WORK AND LOVE & PASSION POEM #8

There are things that still haunt me. There are things that I am still not prepared to let go of. And there are still things I am ashamed of. This journey is taking me to depths and heights I never imagined I could ever get to. I can feel the woman I am meant to become emerging. She is kicking and screaming to get out. The necessary work continues. The necessary work that allows me to fully walk in love. There is no one on this planet who can do this work for me. I alone have to take charge and care of my destiny. I am facing whatever comes. I have already proven to myself that I can take it on. This is an amazing time in my life, as the old Me falls away making room for the new, I am bouyed by all the possibilities of a life filled with joy, peace and love.

Somewhere in the City
You are somewhere in the city, lost to me,
But sharing building, skyline, traffic signals,
Streetnames, rush hours, and street scenes;
Sharing unconsciously the things we do not share
By purpose anymore.
And though we do not meet, and though our feet
Do not strike the same pavement at the same time,
You are mine as the city is mine.
The city cannot enclose me in its foggy arms
Without your arms, too, holding me in a loose embrace.
Somewhere in the city you are driving someone somewhere
Or telephoning, or taking a bath,
Or making love, or watching a movie, or working,
Or polishing the metal on the car you are so proud of,
Or getting sleepy over wine,
Or telling jokes, or playing a jukebox in a bar.
How many times have I barely missed you
By one block or one door or a one-way street?
Somewhere you are forgetting me
And making of me nothing---
No more than the song you listen to
Or the joke you tell---
Not so much really!
My eyes will be impassable as fog
If we should ever meet again,
As bright as street lights,
As shallow as rain, as hard as steel.
The soft soul-eyes you knew will be for you
The barren city,
The city without love or hope or mercy or desire.
Without remembrances, without nostalgia,
Without soul.
And you will not realize or understand
How often I caress you
When the downtown lights blink on
And the traffic signals change from red to green.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

DISCOVERING LOVE AND LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #7

I am discovering that love is all around me. I do not have to go and seek it out. It exist in me, with me and from me. I am discovering that I do not have to be anything other than BE who I am. I am tearing down barriers so that love can shine through. I am tearing down hard built walls so that love may emerge. So that I may bask in the sun. I am discovering that who shows up in my life is supposed to show up. Whomever is in front of me is good enough as is. I am learning to love everyone as is. It is easy to not see people for who they are. We have all been conditioned to fall in love with potential. To settle for whatever and then go about the business of changing that person. From here on out, I want everyone to see me as is. To love me as is, as God loves me as is. I am done with smoke and mirrors. I am done with manipulations. I am done with begging for affection. This ME is grand and if you don't want GRAND or can't HANDLE Grand, then keep it moving. Because the light is shinning bright and I love it!

New Face
I have learned not to worry about love.
but to honor its coming
with all my heart.
To examine the dark mysteries
of the blood
with headless heed and
swirl
to know the rush feelings
swift and flowing
as water.
The source appears to be
some inexhaustible
spring
within our twin and triple
selves;
the new face I turn up
to you
no one else on earth
has ever seen.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #6

This lovely and provocative piece hails from the very talented wordsmithing Sojourner G with his permission of course. A gift to celebrate Love and Passion and Poetry. I am a huge fan of his talent and I bet you can see why...


I want I want I want NEW LOVE, still fresh and vacuum packed in it's wrapper love. I want the anticipation of grabbing the tab, pulling off the bow, unwrapping my new love like a child with birthday dreams.

I wanna gush and grin at the prospect of having it new, having it first, having it only. Yeah big boy toy, new car smell, flat screen high def goodness with kickin' surround sound, dual overhead cams of love, twin turbo thrust that torques me out of my mind, standin' there, layin' there with "aww shucks hyuck."

When she arrives and we start to vibe, listen: I want that crackish love. That love that has me talking about everynothing on the phone til 3:30 AM when I know I got ta get up at 4:30 AM. And when I do get up if I ever get down, I ain't even tired because it's that Red Bull love that she be providin', that Pimp Juice, Rock Star, Jolt, Monster love.

Floatin' through my day wishin' I was lovin' her for pay, wantin' it to be my job I say. Not just my legs but my breath comes in pants and it is rationed at levels inversely proportioned to her...exhales. This love, this breath-less-ness, calls the heart aside and says, "beat like this", it's all heavy and slowquick African tempo with it's comforting annoyance broadcasting from it's northward residence in my throat whenever I think of her, this brand new love. And when I do settle down at night it's her love, this love that is keepin' me awake, robbing me of my chance to dream of her, weave mental futures with her, until the vision of her, the fantasy of her, the essence of her hypnotizes my psyche, bringin my heart into normal sinus rhythm, yeah V-Tach, sound track to my fantareality of...us.

I want us to laugh and talk about the effects of this love, for her to say, "I know your joint but let me tell ya 'bout MY story of love. I'm agonizing over my choice of scent of the day, will it be work or will it be play? I more than usual care about the color I wear wanting to brand your brain with this vision of love. It trips my mind to come to realize that your touches cause giggles, your kisses cause wiggles and your skills cause jiggles. New love, new love, you got ooh, ooh, ooh, OOH love, and I ain't even shame Luv. Because an emotional vacay from this world and this life is what I want with you Love, where cherubs sing, trees bend to give shade and waves lap lovingly at our sand encrusted feet. Heart shaped clouds and tropical breezes fill this bubble that shuts out the universe and locks in the...love, new love, I have for you NEW LOVE."

Yeah that's what I want, mmmm that's what I crave. Can it be a thang between me and you girl?

1 Cor 13:13
©SojournerG 2007 All rights reserved

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY:LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #5

I have been in love with Haki R. Madhubuti since I found him in my library at College. He spoke to me and his voice has stayed with me always. I was going to post about trust and the breaking of trust. But last night, into the wee hours I was transfixed with another thought.

Haki R. Madhubuti

THE UNION OF TWO
For Ife and Jake

What matters is the renewing and long running kinship
seeking common mission, willing work, memory, melody, song.

marriage is an art,
created by the serious, enjoyed by the mature,
watered with morning and evening promises.

those who grow into love
remain anchored
like egyptian architecture and seasonal flowers.

it is afrikan that woman and man join in smile, tears, future.
it is traditional that men and women share expectations,
celebrations, struggles.

it is legend that the nations start in family.
it is afrikan that our circle expands.
it is wise that we believe in tomorrows, children, quality.
it is written that our vision will equal the promise.

so that your nation will live and tell your stories accurately,
you must be endless in your loving touch of each other,
your unification is the message,
continuance the answer.

August 7, 1986

Monday, February 4, 2008

LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #4

This morning I went to the gym. I WENT TO THE GYM and I worked out for 1 hour and 15 minutes. I wish I could say it fits right in with my Resolutions for 2008-the Year of Love and Happiness, I mean it does. But the real truth is, it is a great way to burn all this sexual energy that I have. I mean think about it, you work out, you sweat, you feel great. Look, this is the best I can do at the moment and it worked this morning. I feel satisfied..sort of, I mean working out takes the edge off, but it does not replace the weight. Enough said.

HAIKU
I want to make you
roar with laughter as i ride
you into morning.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY:POEM #3

Yesterday JB and I had a wonderful lunch at a great malaysian restaurant...one of my favorite haunts. We sat for well over an hour having deep and thoughful Grown Women conversations. Then off to the theatre to see Anna Deavere Smith's newest play "Let Me Down Easy" Now if you have never seen Ms. Smith then you have missed something fine. She is a national treasure.

In keeping with It's Always Jazz Sunday, here is a poem for a great Jazz artist.

George Barlow
MINGUS SPEAKS: FOUND POEMS

1.
the soloists
at Birdland

Had to wait for
Parker's next record

to find out
what to play

what
will they do now

2.

hey dig
Bird ain't dead
he's hiding out
somewhere

and he'll be back
with some new shit

that will scare everyone to death

for bird

Saturday, February 2, 2008

LOVE AND PASSION IN POETRY #2

I love this poem. It is so Grown Woman.

ROADMAP
for J. R.
She wants a man she can just
unfold when she needs him
then fold him up again
like those 50 cent raincoats
women carry in their purses
in case they get caught in stormy weather.
This one has her thumb out
for a man who's going her way.
She'll hitch with him awhile,
let him take her down the road
for a piece.
But I want to take you where you're going.
I'm unfolding for you
like a roadmap you can never again fold up
exactly the same as before.

Friday, February 1, 2008

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: LOVE, PASSION, POETRY & BLACK HISTORY MONTH

I love February. It is the month that holds Valentine's Day--my FAVORITE holiday. It is also Black History Month. So in thinking about all my passions and how to share them all. I decided I am going to spend the month posting poetry that I like and most of it will be by Black People. Sometimes I will have a commentary and sometimes the poem will stand alone. I know this is ambitious but I think I can make it work. I am feeling in the mood for love.

Never love with all your heart,
It only ends in aching;
And bit by bit to the smallest part
That organ will be breaking.
Never love with all your mind,
It only ends in fretting;
In musings on sweet joys behind,
Too poignant for forgetting.
Never love with all your soul,
For such there is no ending,
Though a mind frets may find control,
And a shattered heart find mending.
Give but a grain of the heart's rich seed,
Confine some under cover,
And when love goes, bid him God-speed.
And find another love.