A few weeks ago I was having lunch with my best friend "R" at our favorite malaysian restaurant Bentara's. I was going on and on about how I couldn't possibly have sex with this body. I was going on and on about my tummy, my thighs, everything. Until finally he said, "Do you hate yourself?" I was a bit stunned, of course I don't hate myself. He then says: I know you don't, but that is what I hear when you talk about yourself in that way. WOW! I had no idea that was the case. I mean I am pretty confident, fearless even. He went further on to say, that I was way too hard on myself and that a Real and Grown Man will be into you not because of how you look, but how you are. And he thought that I didn't savor the fact that I have been through a lot these last few years. Stuff that would break so many people and yet here I am standing. I never much thought about giving myself a break. I knew I was raising my consiousness, but I wasn't paying attention to the negative talk I was saying to my physical self.
So fast forward a few more weeks having lunch at the same malaysian restaurant with my sister-friend JB before going to see the Anna Deveare Smith play...I posted about this weeks ago. Anway, she said the same exact thing, that she thought I was being way too hard on myself and that I should just love the body I am in right now. She is right.
So today I am releasing my body hatred. This is the body I have and this is the body that houses the love that I give and recieve. So from now on as part of my spiritual growth practices, I will stand in the mirror naked everyday and hug my whole self and tell myself that I love ME just as I am. I will continue going to the gym but with a different mindset. One that says getting fit connects the mind, body and spirit. I will continue to be mindful of what I eat. Nothing will be off limits, I am not depriving myself of anything, just changing the direction of the energy.
And last but not least, I am going shopping for new underwear! I mean I am getting sexy, sexy, sexy! Don't get me wrong I am erring on the side of comfort but these days you can have sexy and comfort too. I am, like Justin Timberlake "bringing Sexy BACK!"
Pat Parker
Untitled
Let me come to you naked
come without my masks
come dark
and lay beside you
Let me come to you old
come as a dying snail
come weak
and lay beside you
Let me come to you angry
come shaking with hate
come callused
and lay beside you
even more
Let me come to you strong
come sure and free
come powerful
and lay with you
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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7 comments:
loved this post
yep wanting to change isnt bout hating the you now but loving who u are and aspiring to express that love in a way that'll make u happy
whatever that may be
the poem=good stuff
Dejanae.
Sister thanks for stopping by. I never saw it as self-hate. That is the beauty of "true love" friends who are willing to stand with you and share in the experience. I am so blessed that I have folks who want to share in the exeperience of living my life.
YES! YES! YES!!!!! GURLLLL, We ALL brangin' SEXY BACK! We have ingested "self-hate" talk for so long we don't even recognize it! LET it GO, Sis! Let it GO! I'm SOO WICHA! That MJB song is MY JAMMM! U made me dig out a poem from my archives - another sistah friend hipped me to this brother: Lamar HILL. GURRRLLL!
Cap City,
WHEW! That Lamar Hill is amazing...that poem is so doggone GOOD! YIKES! I may have to print that and keep it by my bedside. Talk about restorative! (SIGH)
Thank you Sister for sharing!
hey dearest, i'm with capcity. so many of us don't even realize the words that are coming out of our mouths, or our actions.
and YES, you better go get sexy back! i am a strong believer in that!! that's the next closest thing to "starting with the inside". trust me, if you've got on some intimates that YOU feel are pretty and comfortable, then it's all good!!
smooches!
Princess,
I had no idea how I was sounding to myself. And the mere shopping of new intimate apparel will lift my spirits. I used to have all that stuff and I would never be caught without beautiful undergarments on. So I am reclaiming my sexiness...for my own sake.
I've been trying to "gimme a break" lately too. It's diffucult. We have so many imaginary yard sticks around us and we'll never measure up because we're looking at the numbers through dusty old shaded lenses. You are enough, just as you are sis!
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