Tuesday, February 26, 2008


The other day someone posted with a question about how do I deal with the emotion of anger in regards to my estranged husband. I posted back that I would post my thoughts soon. Today is soon.

I started this blog because I was overwhelmed with everything. And in posting and thinking and praying and reading all sorts of personal development books and notes and working on my spirit. I have come to realize that I do not own the feelings of another. I have accepted the fact that my estranged husband left this marriage. Of course I was angry, I was blind with rage, hurt and betrayal. I wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to feel like I was feeling. Then one day I looked around and I could see my children were paying close attention to my every action. They were afraid. So I knew I had to change my course. I realize that I do not hate my estranged husband. I love him. And in saying that and believing that how can I wish him anything other than peace on earth. For the sake of my children I did a complete turn around. I decided to shift the focus from my estranged husband and what he did to me, to what can I do for myself to live how I want to live. His love is not the only love I get to have and enjoy in this life.

I know this is working because while at my Sister-friend JB's for a Valentine's luncheon, I heard my children say: Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced, but they are still best friends and will always love each other. You know I got to tears faster than a NY minute. My sister friend JB said: "Girl your children's feelings are evidence that you have done the right thing". I believe I have.

So I forgive my soon-to-be EX-husband. I do not forgive him for his sake alone, but for all our sakes. Forgiving him releases me. It frees me from him. It gives me persmission to move toward a grander love and prepares me to recieve a deeper love. There are days that my anger rises and the resentment sneaks in, but I recognize them and I call them out and beat them back. I had a melt-down for Valentine's Day because he went out on a date. He went out and was romantic and loving to some other woman and it was hard for me to bear. I cried it all out and the next morning a rainbow appeared and all was well.

Forgiveness is linked to Love. I choose Love over fear. Fear would have kept me tied to drama. Fear would have said I have no control over my life or my emotions. Fear would require acts of desperation, fear keeps you paralyzed in mess. Fear stops growth. Fear is not God's plan.

I choose Love at every turn.

Barbara-Marie Green
Before the Act
(Dedicated to Women) * this is the authors parenthesis

Before we become intimate
You must show me
That you really know
How to love me,
You can show this love
With your smile,
Your touch, your gaze,
Your hushed words,
Your caring and sharing,
Your respect, trust
And loyal friendship.
Only then, and in due time,
And, after you have declared
Your God-given love for me
And I have declared mine for you,
Only then, can we truly,
truly love each other.


May-Bee said...

Thanks. You are an inspiration. I mean that truly. My own emotions are so complex, I feel I could easily get stuck in negative feelings toward my estranged husband. He was being unfaithful and his behavior when he left was unbelievably harsh and vicious (guilt, I guess). But letting go with love is the best way -- the only way -- to move on without bitterness. I can't love again if I am weighed down with hate. Knowing this is one thing -- doing is another. I will read this post over several times I'm sure. It's still a struggle, but getting easier. And I've got more reading to do.

Lovebabz said...

Thank you, you are an inspiration to me! I know what it is like to want to walk in the sun, but feel doomed to the darkness. But you can find joy in the journey. Let him go. Know that God is just helping you to make room for what you are designed for. I believe that. I have seen too much, done too much and know that there is grace in forgiveness, there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving...toward it.

Shai said...

Wow! That was a powerful post. I am working on losing the resentment I have. I was not married to my child's father, yet I am angry about how he does not co-parent with me, how he has disrespected me and does not seem to care. That is alot to get over.

I will be stopping by your blog more often for inspiration.

Lovebabz said...

Hi Shai,

Sister it is work! But if you take the focus off what he isn't doing and put the focus on what you do then you can release yourself from his nonesense. Do you want to be right? or do you want to be happy? He will give you a 100 reasons why he ain't ...whatever, but if you say to yourself, I can't hold him and let him go with all his drama and disresepct then you can become more fully who you are. And the sense of peace will be found.

If it was easy nobody would fight for love.

Shai said...

I get ya. It is a painful lesson for me. I don't want him. I have stopped loving him YEARS ago. I just wanted to be civil and co-parent our child. I think I am at this phase where I am glad she is almost 18 and I won't have to deal with him the same anymore. Being a single parent who is not supported by the other parents is a heavy load. It hurts to see my child stuck in place where she needs her dad and he doesn't get it.

Thanks for the advice and inspiration. I am getting better at this and your post has helped me.

laurie said...

You are very wise and very strong. xo

The Artist In Me said...

This blog has become a fav of mine! There is so much truth here. You have found the key indeed.

I went through a forgiving metamorphasis a couple of months ago as well. What I learned and will carry with me from now on is simple: I have done some things that should be unforgivable in the sight of God, but He still chose/chooses to forgive and love me anyway. Could you imagine if God treated us how we treated each other? Lord have mercy!

The truth is, we all have hurt someone and needed forgiving ourselves, so why not extend the same forgiveness that someone extended to us.

Piecake said...

Hi Babz! I haven't been able to keep up with your blog recently, but I'm glad to see you are still moving forward. As I read this post I was thinking, "she is such an inspiration", then I read the comments and see I'm not the only one who had that thought.
Peace and joy to you and your family!

Lovebabz said...

Thank you for helping me. When I am talking to you, I am talking to myself and I am re-enforcing my own message of love.

Hey Laurie! Welcome home Sister! I am not as nearly as wise and strong as you.

Dearest The Artist in Me,
You are so RIGHT! My Minister loves to say to me that God has already forgiven you, now you must forgive yourself!

Hi Piecake! Are you settled into your new digs? Kisses to you all!