It's been a complicated and painful few weeks for me. I am adrift. Uncertain of which foot to put forward.
I have these short visions of what I want to do. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to be doing with this big old life. There are days when I am jumping out of bed racing to start the day. And there are days that I race to start the day but am unsure as to what that means exactly.
My dear friend Ko Johnson says I am too quick to own my fuck-ups and unwilling to own my triumphs. I have lived a remarkable life...extraordinary even. At least that is what the Federal Judge said to me last year. She also said "go and get your life back" "Go and continue on your extraordinary path" which according to a great many folks was a side to that particular Federal Judge NO ONE has ever seen or heard before.
Who am I these days? Who am I right now? Who do I think I am? Who do I believe I am ?
I read something recently that said list your 100 personal successes. I am a girl for lists! But my successes...hhhmm. I mean I am still working on my 1000 things I want to do before I die list! and then there is the LOVE LIST 100 qualities I want in a lover/soul mate/partner/husband which is inspiring to so many folks.
I am not without wise council and Sister-friend support. I am bathed in loving kindness and caring. My blog brothers and sisters have been amazing...Thank you. My "True Love Friends" are always but a whisper away.
This new malaise is perhaps troubling to me because I am feeling like I lost so much; and I am spending too much time looking back and not enough time looking forward. So perhaps my next steps is for deeper discernment. One that calls for pure nakedness and shedding of former lives in preparation for the new blessings. Blessings that could not possibly be received with a closed fist; Blessings that can't be received with a troubled heart.
I need a new plan, a compass, a map, a sense of purpose and being. I am so a girl for a purpose!
As I pray on the arrival of this answer I will blog my heart out. I will release this anxiety. I will move forward in love and joy.
I need to get out of my own way...really. I need to stay in prayer. And I need to allow for proper discernment.