Saturday, August 30, 2008

IN MY OWN WAY...I MEAN I AM IN MY WAY...LIKE I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY...WAY

It's been a complicated and painful few weeks for me. I am adrift. Uncertain of which foot to put forward.

I have these short visions of what I want to do. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to be doing with this big old life. There are days when I am jumping out of bed racing to start the day. And there are days that I race to start the day but am unsure as to what that means exactly.

My dear friend Ko Johnson says I am too quick to own my fuck-ups and unwilling to own my triumphs. I have lived a remarkable life...extraordinary even. At least that is what the Federal Judge said to me last year. She also said "go and get your life back" "Go and continue on your extraordinary path" which according to a great many folks was a side to that particular Federal Judge NO ONE has ever seen or heard before.

Who am I these days? Who am I right now? Who do I think I am? Who do I believe I am ?

I read something recently that said list your 100 personal successes. I am a girl for lists! But my successes...hhhmm. I mean I am still working on my 1000 things I want to do before I die list! and then there is the LOVE LIST 100 qualities I want in a lover/soul mate/partner/husband which is inspiring to so many folks.

I am not without wise council and Sister-friend support. I am bathed in loving kindness and caring. My blog brothers and sisters have been amazing...Thank you. My "True Love Friends" are always but a whisper away.

This new malaise is perhaps troubling to me because I am feeling like I lost so much; and I am spending too much time looking back and not enough time looking forward. So perhaps my next steps is for deeper discernment. One that calls for pure nakedness and shedding of former lives in preparation for the new blessings. Blessings that could not possibly be received with a closed fist; Blessings that can't be received with a troubled heart.

I need a new plan, a compass, a map, a sense of purpose and being. I am so a girl for a purpose!

As I pray on the arrival of this answer I will blog my heart out. I will release this anxiety. I will move forward in love and joy.

I need to get out of my own way...really. I need to stay in prayer. And I need to allow for proper discernment.

16 comments:

flutter said...

thinking of you

Trish said...

Hey LB,

Been out of the blog world for a few weeks, and re-entering the school season. I feel like fall is a time of fresh starts, even for those not too closely tied to the school year.

Sometimes before we step into the newness of a school year or some other grand transition, we spend a bit of time in funk, shedding the old skin. When a snake sheds its skin, she is very still and irritable, as a transparent scale covers the eye and she can't see as clearly. Maybe during this time she is being still with herself, asking the same questions of "Who am I these days?"

You will find your answer, rooted in acknowledgment of your personal successes, and show up on the other side with all of the growth and vibrancy that the process produces!

sista gp said...

Blog away, girl!

Free your mind and the rest....

Moanerplicity said...

You know what? As I read this, several times I thought: YES! That's IT! She already HAS the ANSWER! And I really THINK you do. Maybe you're just terrified of the answer's outcome.

*ponder*

Please don't make that perpetual stupid human mistake of getting into a rut, getting in your own way, accepting things the way they are, & complaining about them, w/out doing a damn thing to change them! The moment you CHANGE them, you begin to change the shape of your LIFE.

There's a theory that says, no matter how unhappy we may be, some part of us EMBRACES that unhappiness because at least it's FAMILIAR.

*ponder*

You, & only you can be bold & brazen & brave enough to kick the ass of unhappiness and familiarity.

Only YOU can put those words, precepts, ideas & notions & beliefs in yourself into serious motion.

We can all talk a good game, but the game of LIFE & HAPPINESS isn't won by TALK alone.

In short: Damn it, Sista! MAKE it HAPPEN!

Snatch JOY!

One.

The Bear Maiden said...

We're in the same place, me and you....

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hey there!!

I wrote a post that I think you may be encouraged by... "How About a Life Makeover?"

Stop by and let's chat about it!

(smiles)
Lisa

Lovebabz said...

Flutter,
You know youa re always in my prayers!

Hey Trish!
Girl I was wondering when I would hear from you. How are you and how was your summer? and the kids? Are you going to blog? I hope so...your voice is missed out here in the blogsphere!

Yes I am feeling that way too. I have been under things lately and I am trying to crawl out...sigh. I am nothing if not resistant!
Thank you for coming over!

Hey Sista GP,
Indeed I will will! retreating is not the answer...I know that now!

Mr. Moanerplicity,
I am a girl for pondering..or what I like to say discernment...my favorite word!

There is a great deal of illuminating truths in your comments. Thank you very much.

Bold & Brazen are middle names!
I am suting back up for the fight!

Hey Bear Maiden,
I sensed that too!

Blackwomenblowthetrumpet,
I will certainly race over. The conversation over there is always rich!

Monique said...

Maybe the problem is that your aren't being still. Just go with the flow and let things happen as they should. I'm sure everything will be alright. *cyber hug*

Lovebabz said...

Monique,

Oh I know I am not being still...atleast not in my mind. My head is full of negative chatter.

Thank you for the hug!

Aunt Jackie said...

when i am feeling out of sorts the stillness is usually where the answer lies. As The Rev tells us, prayer is our transmission and meditation is when we are receivers...

i am so often adamant in making sure the my prayers, my wants, my needs that i forget he knows what's in my heart before it reaches my lips and in him lies all of my answers but i can't hear him when I transmitting.

My ego takes joy in these times, and tells me tales of woe, wanting me to think my best is behind me...my ego is a liar!

Be still and know that he is God. Be still until you receive your marching orders..

consider a sit. perhaps look for a vipassna near you, they are usually free.

Rich said...

Being one who, for some reason or another, always feels the need to help have found myself at a lost. Maybe by design. I have no advice for you except to be. I don't know this thing that ails you, but what I do know is that you have the capacity to be...

brilliant
fearless
triumphant
determined
resilient
daring

And a host of other things. Again, I don't know what this thing is that ails you but I do know that HIS grace (unmerited favor) is sufficient. BE...

BLESSED

Lovebabz said...

AJ,
Yes, I am sensing that I am not being still nor quiet. I think I am doing what I am comforting doing trying to think my way out of mess. Trying to look for answers to questions that already have answers.

Thank you...as always you are always a light upon my path.

Fitzgerald,
Your presence is the "help" The fact that you care so deeply and freely is enough. I feel the care and concern. It is uplifting and restorative.

Mizrepresent said...

Thank you for this...for i am sometimes just as guilty.

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

so true we are often our own obstacles

Lovebabz said...

Hey MIzR,
Just trying to saty focused on step at a time and not so much the road ahead.

Hey Torrance,
Yes I am feeling just that way.

Sharon because it had to be said! said...

You just keep on keeping on and keep your chin up! You will be fine....you already are. As all things do, this too shall pass and I for one am happy that until this thing passes, we who love you won't have to be without your blog presence so blog away my sistah, blog away!