Thursday, August 7, 2008

SOFT IS NOT A DIRTY 4 LETTER WORD!

I feel everything! Everything is personal! My feelings get hurt very easily. I cry.

I could not imagine owning this a decade ago. I spent the greater part of my adult life steeling myself against the world and things that could hurt me. I spent the greater part of my adult life cloaked in fear. Devoid of emotion. I cared for nothing, and no one. Talk about Ice princess. I was her personified. It was all about self preservation. No one was ever going to hurt me again. No one was ever going to get close enough. My sexual experiences were passionate and lusty. But I never loved any lover. I never let anyone spend the night nor would I stay with anyone overnight. I had a standing taxi on hold all the time. I was not the girl to love...fuck yes, but not love. I just wouldn't allow it. I liked it that way. I liked the dis-connect.

A series of divine events caused me to take stock of who I was. I asked the hard questions...did I want to continue being the ice princess? and was I capable of love? Giving love and allowing love? Yes! the answer kept coming at me over and over again. A marriage and 4 kids later, a brilliant budding political career lost, a scandal, wealth, loss of wealth, divorce, new beginnings!

I am soft in all the best places. I have already proven I am strong and can endure the greatest of humiliations, pain and sadness. What I live for now is the unbridled joy of letting love in. Letting love continue to soften the the rough spots. Letting love rule. I am not hiding in fear of anything. I may falter in my steps in rushing forward to love, but quickly I am on sure footing again.

I do not apologize for my softness. Or my personal reverence for everything. If you hurt my feelings it merely says that I care so deeply for you that what you say and how you say it to me matters. It matters to my spirit and to my soul. It matters to my core.

Yes of course there are times when some of that old fear creeps in and I react contrary to what's in my heart. But I know after real discernment and prayer I can never ever go back to a life without love on all levels across the board. I am unashamedly open to love and my feelings are sacred and tender and soft.

8 comments:

Shai said...

I understand completely. I go through the softness to the hardness on a regular. My moody blues so to speak. Funny though, I will not have sex now unless I am in a committed relationship. I have realized it is an emotional thing and I don't want to just have sex. Hence, a LONG celibate phase for me.

From what I read in your post, I sensed the "ice" was covering the tenderness. I myself am hard azz hell on the outside cuz I am soft as the inside.

Great post. That's for being transparent and an inspiration.

Keisha "Kitten" Isaacs said...

Hey Sistah!

I feel you...I believe that if we trust God with all of our hearts....it's protected by the most high! Peace & Blessings

Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

no it is not well said but DIRT is

sista gp said...

Ice princess no more. You are a queen.

Lovebabz said...

Hi Shai,
I am beginning to understand that I need that too. A committed lver...casual is not who Ia m.

Hi Keish,
I think of yo adn your spirituality often. I know you know something about being connected to GOD

Torrance,
LOL! Yout sense of humour is charming!

Hey Sista Cuz/GP
Yes! Warrior Queen! I love the owman I am becoming!

The Second Sixty-Eight said...

So well said...

Lovebabz said...

Second Sixty-Eight,
Thank you very much!

Monica said...

From your writings I would not consider you to be soft. I would describe you more as pliable...