Sunday, August 3, 2008

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: WORKING MY PLANS

For the last two weekends I have been to San Francisco and Atlanta. A good time was had by me!

But now I have to turn my attention to my immediate life. The last couple of weeks have been very enlightening. I learned that I could do some things that were terrifying... 1) take the lead on my divorce proceedings...I was so empowered! 2)I have a real affinity for Atlanta. 3) I am letting go of My Crush. 4) I am launching ALL my projects with all my oars in the water.

I was due in court on Tuesday and I haven't hired an attorney yet and I was freaking out because I just couldn't go in there in ignorance. Well my "True Love Friend" J. Jetson ...a attorney got me up to speed...yep I am quick like that. I filed my case management review and the financial disclosure. I called my Ex' attorney had a brief conversation...he was very cordial. I faxed over the documents and VIOLA! I handled my shit! Now let me back up, I called my Ex last week to see what he wanted to do in the proceedings around child care/custody and I asked if he would be willing to contribute to the private school tuition. He said NO! then proceeds to tell me he is paying child support and that's it and he is not paying alimony. Now I am not asking for alimony. Never did, never was asking for alimony. But private school is expensive. So thanks to him, my fighting spirit has returned!

Atlanta does it for me in a big way. Blog Brother Fitzgerald was on the phone with me Friday, searching homes that he thought I would like...and I did. It was so good to laugh and talk about the vibe and glamour of Atlanta with someone who used to live there and could live there again. I put that desire in the universe!

If I learned nothing else over the last few years is that all I have is right now. And there is no convincing in love. So back to my Love List--100 things I want in my next lover/soul mate/spouse to remind myself that I do not have to convince anyone that I am lovely enough to want to spend time with. Either you know within the first few moments of talking to me or you don't. I am not in the convincing-anyone-I-am-lovable business. Being rejected by my Crush hurt...but not like being hit by a car kind of hurt...smile. My Crush was good in the months preceding our meeting. Talking to him everyday, several times a day was good for my well-being. It gave me an outlet for all my romantic fantasies. I think in hindsight that's what it was supposed to be. Of course we will remain acquaintances...friends even. But he is not the one for me and I clearly see it. And I don't believe I was thinking he would be. Oh, I still like him...just not more than I like my self...respectfully.

The past few weeks have stretched me. I am very happy this morning. Very happy indeed!

16 comments:

Organized Noise said...

That is a beautiful thing. Do your thing and don't let anyone get in your way. Good luck with everything.

NoRegrets said...

it all sounds wonderful. good for you!

Lovebabz said...

Hello ON,

Yes I ahve been a bit distracted...which was fine and lvoely. But now the heat is on!

Hey No Regrets,
It sounds wonderful indeed..now I must make it wonderful!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

I am so happy that you are finding strength within yourself to handle complications as they come along.

Finding happiness and joy within yourself can help you through any situation.

Update on our parallel lives...my court hearing is next week and although I look forward to my next steps in life, I had to mourn the death of a relationship I thought would last forever.

On a brighter note...I am getting back out into the world and the social gatherings (and the flirting ;) is doing wonders for my spirit and my disposition has vastly improved.

Peace and Blessings.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Kay C, The Quiet Storm,

There is not too much I can't handle...I've already proven to myself that I am strong! I have already proven that I am a woman of great passion. I just have to stay conencted to my strengths even when I am deathly afraid.

I think I am ready to go out on a date. Nothing heavy. Just dinner a good bottle of wine...flirting and good conversation.

Gosh...my kindgom for a great kiss...LOL!

nikki said...

it sounds like we're both going through the same things right about now. i'm learning from you, so thank you. :)

atlanta is DA BOMB and i'm not just sayin that cuz i live here. it really is!

crush...i'm currently involved in one, too. i'm keeping it in perspective because we actually like each other but i don't want to be in a serious relationship right now. crushing is so cool though! it provides the inspiration and creative fodder we writers just eat up!

take all the positives from all of those experiences and formulate a more empowering future, that's what i say...and it looks like you're doing just that.

u go girl :)

Lovebabz said...

Hey Nikki,

Yes CRUSHES do have a purpose. I enjoyed it. But now it's time to turn my attention elsewhere.

Hope you had a FAB birthday!

And Atlanta is going to be my HOME!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

NUTMEG: I've been 'round n' 'round with my most most recent divorce and have done it from afar. I've been through a ton of shit with this, because I wanted an international joint custody arrangement, to enforce the spirit of the prenup, not have to appear in court, not have anyone subpoena-ed all the while starting afresh in a new country.

Anytime you need someone to lament about the administrative shit with, write or call. I'll tell you this you are in a way healthier place from the mom's perspective than my 2nd ex was and is. You are pretty much at peace with yourself.

My having left my wife (before I left the USA) was really painful for her, while for me it was a giant relief. For her and her girlfriends, MARRIAGE was THE BRASS RING. And in me she had pulled in the tournament record tarpon -- well-to-do, ok looking, well-educated -- which made her top dog for the 6 years and change we were together.

Having really shoved it in a lot of her friends' faces (I WARNED HER ABOUT THIS*) even though she gets to live in my place in NYC until the boy finishes college -- and it's a nice place to be sure --having run me off was the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to her.

She's now bottom dog. A girlfriend of hers who had been spiking shit for years cleaned up and is married to a guy who's likely to become an appeals court judge if Obama wins. Another friend who's always fighting with her husband who's a data and tech guy are going strong. Another friend survived pancreatic cancer and a series of affairs on both sides and they're going strong. Yet another, the ugliest of them is married to an emergency room doctor who nearly lost his license and went to prison for stealing and abusing Fentanil and alcohol are happy together. Two more friends who've had nothing but trouble with their husbands are still married. This is really devastating for her not because I'm anything special but because of how important BEING MARRIED was to her.

You have a much healthier attitude and richer inner life than she does, so you'll get through this I'm sure. She's managing. Not happy, but managing.

* I WAS ALMOST AS HAPPY TO BE RID OF HER FRIENDS AS HER. MORE VULGAR PEOPLE YOU'VE NEVER MET IN YOUR LIFE. THEY WOULD BADGER ME TO TELL THEM (a) How much my apartment cost? (b) How much money I made each year? (c) What was my net worth. Each time I'd decline to do, saying that "I'm unfortable discussing such things" or "that's between me and the IRS" but the envy never stopped. Finally, I got all the people in a circle and announced that I was prepared to answer their questions with the caveat that I expected this to happen: Whatever numbers they had imagined were probably too small by a fair amount and the knowledge of the figures would bother them the rest of their lives and that their relationship to me would change radically and for the worse so it really was best to let sleeping dogs lie. They would never be able to face me again without envy and contempt and I'd never be able to face them either because I would have been so ashamed of myself for having revealed such things.

They stopped asking. I became steadily more monastic about possessions and appearances. I became aware that I was going to leave this woman when she started chiding me for not caring what "our house" looked like. I said "excuse me? our house?" I own this house lock-stock-and-barrel. And I paid cash for it -- all equity. If you want to spend your own money to decorate it, have a blast but that's not how I want to live. I really don't give a rat's ass if a vase gets broken."

You know the final straw already. There was one thing I was proud of. The thoroughbred racing stable. My two partners and I ran it in a very business-like way and for a vanity-type thing we ended up make an ROI of like 80% by the time I left the country. The key moment was when a filly we had won two International Group III races in NY and we sold her to the Saudis for a lot and I was really pleased with our transaction. She couldn't have cared less.

I realized we were cut from two different spools of thread then.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Kelso,

Hhmm I know women like that ...marriage is IMPORTANT. I am one of those women. I loved being married. It was very painful that my husband decided to leave. But I could not focus on that...I mean the FEDS are a very demanding lover...and I do believe that's why he chose that time to do it because he know I could take it on directly. But in all that I realized that if a person wants to leave you, then let them go. I don't want anybody who doesn't ache for me, breathe me, desire me, want me! Hands down!

Yes I am better. I am better because I choose to be better. To be anything else keeps me tied to him and I do not want that.

Perhaps one day she will have an epiphany and realize that the possibilites of an authentic life can be had!

Rich said...

lurking and reading.

good stuff.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Fitzgerald,

You can lurk all you want! You are always welcomed here!

Shai said...

"The negative thoughts are invasive and easily take root. There are moments when the negative thoughts win and I surrender to them. ... I could not do that a few years ago. I would be deep in depression and woe...I couldn't stand myself."


I am SO there right now. Yuck!

Lovebabz said...

Hi Shai,

Sister,

Change your mind and do not hold onto the negative thoughts...THEY ARE NOT TRUE!

Just say to your self...I am worthy and loving and whatever comes my way I can handle...I am handling!

Shai said...

sorry I posted in the wrong spot.

Aunt Jackie said...

I have many many questions especially in regards to Atlanta which I will probably ask via email so as not to bore people to death!

I will be in NYC August 14 till 20th just putting that out there.

It sounds like you are healing and transforming right before our very eyes!

Lots of love to ya!!

Lovebabz said...

AJ,

I am so lookingofrward to seeing you. I will be in NYC on business that weekend so yes let's plan dinner, drinks or something that Saturday...I look forward to your email!