Yesterday was exhausting. Tough. I just want to cry about every fucking thing. I am stuck in a way that I can't quite figure out. I almost feel like I don't know which way to go. It's like my internal compass is on vacation or something.
I mean I have shit to do. I have lists of to-dos and and of course there's always my when hell freezes over files. But still nothing is motivating me. None of my usual jumpstart tools are working. I am stuck. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ, which way do I go now toto? Yeah I know, follow the yellow brick road. But what do you do when the yellow brick road is well... gone?
I don't think I am whining. I do not feel like I am whining. I feel tired. Even a romantic optimist has moments when she is just t.i.r.e.d.! I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world and the world is enormously heavy. I feel like I have been in the ring for one too many bouts.
I feel like a motherless child. That's it! I need some mothering.
I don't think you ever get too grown for mothering. Someone to take care of you, rub your shoulders, make you chicken soup and tuck you in with a great bedtime story. I need some mothering. All this time I thought it was just sex (OH YES I NEED THAT TOO) but really I need to be smothered in mother's love. I want to sit on the couch with my blankie and be held while watching my favorite movies: Auntie Mame--the Rosalind Russell Version, The Women, Sounder and Daughters of the Dust. I want to be petted. I want to be listened to, I want a shoulder to cry on and I want to hear: There, there baby, it will all be alright. I want someone else to make the decisions for a little while. I want to be sssshhed into a nap. I want to be mothered. Just for a bit. Just until I regain my super powers. I want a surprise note in the mail...not a fucking bill. I want a happiness call. I want to laugh. I want someone to be kind to me. I need some mothering.
I need some mothering right away.