Sunday, August 10, 2008

IT''S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY: BELIEVE THEM WHEN THEY TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE

I know one of my biggest lessons to learn is believing someone when they show and tell me who they are. You know when a man says he is not interested in a serious relationship, but still wants to kick it with you and you want a serious relationship. So you then believe that perhaps you are the ONE that could change his disposition. Change his mind. Change him. Or you hang out with a man you really don't like but you do because you have nothing else going on and the thought of being alone is so frightening that your own company is unacceptable.

I have decided to accept folks as they come into my life. But at the same time I also have to be more discerning and truthful in who I choose to spend my precious time with. What I hear from a Man has to also be in tuned to what I see in the Man. He can't say on thing and do another. Well he could, but then I have to be truthful and honest and courageous enough to say this is not what I want and keep it moving. To do anything else is saying I do not believe my soul mate is out there, so therefore I am going to settle for what's in my face. So therein lies the rub, knowing in my heart and soul that someone is not right for ME. No matter how much I like them, they are saying with their actions I AM NOT THE ONE! So why am I trying to make myself more available to someone who has already said in action and deeds his feelings? Because I am not being truthful, or honest with what I know. I want what I know not to be truth and if I just hang in and keep telling myself that what I feel, and see and hear is not what I see, feel and hear then happiness will surely be mine. Somehow I will get what I want. Which is so not true.

I was on the phone the other day with a friend, we were talking relationships and encounters of all sorts. And He said women don't listen, they hear what they want to hear, so I use what they say against them, kick it a few times and then off to the next. Oh he is completely honest with them. He tells them straight out that he has no time for a serious affair. Women don't listen. I don't listen.

I heard it loud and clear and it was quite chilling. He was talking to my soul and the world shifted. I needed to hear it. I believe he has been saying it all along, I just didn't hear it because of who I am to him. How silly and foolish of me. Because really I am nothing to him.

When someone tells you who they are...believe them. This is my lesson and I have learned it.

24 comments:

Aunt Jackie said...

That is one of the most powerful and important lessons a woman can learn. If we can put our ego aside and allow our spirit to shine we would assuredly not want a man who doesn't want us anyway.

This is a place the ego loves to play its tricks telling us one thing when we know we have heard another.

In my experience, it wasn't until I really fell in love with myself that I was able to stop thinking every man I thought I wanted should do the same. Which is not to say that there haven't been one or two who have made me wish on shooting stars, but ultimately if he aint good TO me he aint good for me!


I totally over commented sorry!

caratime2 said...

You are certainly preaching to my soul this morning, girl! I got myself into a situation with a man in 2002 because of the very things you listed. I did things for/because of him that I went against what I stand for otherwise. And I'm not talking about someone I was hugely attracted to, but about someone I let kick it with me because - in the beginning, at least - I had nothing better to do.

I am STILL paying for my stupidity today, though our 'relationship' ended over 4 years ago.

LISTEN with your ears and with your heart. And - when in doubt, RUN, not walk to the nearest emotional exit.

Jennifer said...

Amen! I a wise and honest man I know made a similar observation about his experience of women. I think it is as hard to believe who shows up as it is to believe that we often attract men into our lives for many reasons. Tough and good stuff!

Lovebabz said...

AJ,
First off you are ALWAYS welcome to post as much and as long as you like! And yes ego is a tricky thing. If we do not own our authentic selves we easily get caught up in giving ourselves away.

Hey Caratime2,
Have not seen you in quite some time! Listening has to become my strong suit!

Hey Jennifer,
Yes indeed there are wise men who see through this too. I just have to trust what I feel and know. And yes you know I believe whomever shows up is supposed to, but not neccesarily for a loveship.

Pajnstl said...

That is a life lesson we ALL should live according to.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Sister Panjstl,

Well some of us get to the party late, and some not at all!

I am just glad I am getting to the party! (smile)

professor said...

and sometimes when we listen,hear and respect they so appreciate it that they begin to rely on you, love you, are there for you...
but you are so right...we as women miss the signs because we want to...I have found that most men are very upfront and do tell you whats going on...but sex for us equals love...so once we give it up, we feel we are in a relationship...not so...

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

AMEN!!!!

This might be the hardest thing for anyone to do. We want what we want when we want it.

I had to remind myself of this recently. After I found myself in a slump (over someone I really didn't know) I had to pick up and keep going. Moving forward sometimes happens after we take a few steps back.

Peace and Blessings.

Lovebabz said...

Yes Professor,
Sex for me is connecting. I am not casual no matter how I think I may want to be.

Hey Sister Kay C. The Quiet Storm,
I find that I save myself when I step back and think in an honest light!

A Go Bytch said...

You are exactly right and I totally agree. We see the signs but we tend to ignore them for the things we want....

Hump...

Have a good one Love!

go B.

Lovebabz said...

Hey AGB,
Yep we do it...we convince ourselves that this is what we want and we keep at to all self-respect is gone.

You have a lovely Sunday too!

Moanerplicity said...

This is deep on several levels, and I have to agree w/ you male friend's words about Women NOT listening... well SOME women.

Women are VERY powerful, intitive & generally MUCH smarter than the average men.

Yet, my best friend T, who is a brilliant Black Woman, keeps making the same mistake in her lovelife. NOT TRULY LISTENING... but instead PROJECTING.

Maybe, & this is just a thought, maybe some women dream in beautiful Technicolor & in more romantic visions of who a man is and what he can be, as opposed to what that man truly IS and what he is manifesting in the here & now.

Seems like we can't learn any important LIFE LESSON, unless it comes w/ a truckload of hurt &/or disappointment.

But you DO seem to be reaching a point of knowledge, and more importantly: Self-actualization.

I wish you many Blessings as you continue on that journey.


Thanks for the kind words.

Snatch JOY!

One.

Lovebabz said...

Hello Moanerplicity,
How kind of you to stop in.

Yes a great many women love the potential of a man, rather than who the man IS right now. So things get overlooked, behaviours are explained away. And we move to fast to GO before any real discernment of what this could be or be.

This is my journey.

Mizrepresent said...

Oh, that is a great lesson. I have learned to listen, and watch and so i know in a short amount of time if that man is going to be my friend, or more. I know the type of man i want in my life, i know that he will have eyes for only me and like me and Cap discussed at length he will listen to me as well. He will be as attuned to me that i am to him, he will miss nothing about me...he will be so in love with me, and i won't ever have to wonder because he will show me, and i will return it ten-fold. I know he is out there, so i won't settle.

LadyLee said...

Oh Lawd, Woman...

Usher, can I please have a church fan.

This post made me shake in my shoes.

Where were you and this post when I was 24 or 25?

Oh if I could have heard this when I was that age, I wouldn't have put up with all the years of heartache.

Oh, this was too GOOD.

Listen, I'm having a "real talk" week for the younger female bloggers over on my blog in the near future, and I'm collecting real talk posts from here and there. This was the REALEST TALK I've heard in a minute. PLEASE let me repost this post. Many of them are at the age that need to hear THIS.

Please, I will pay you, lol. PLEASE.

My goodness, woman!!! Good post AS ALWAYS!!

Lovebabz said...

Yes Mizr,
Cap and I have had long deep conversations about love and men.
No we are not settling!

Ladylee,
Sister you are welcome! Ahh I didn't know this shit when I was 24or 25. I know it at 45!

You are welcome to use it as you like. Pay me for it...you have in your kind posts and support.

Assertagirl said...

It sounds like in some ways, that conversation was a rare gift. You are a wise lady. One of the hardest lessons to learn is to accept people for who they are, and not who we want them to be.

Lovebabz said...

Hey Assertagirl,
Yes, it was indeed a gift. He is a treasure. It is my challenge to let folks come into my life as they are and be wise enough to believe them.

The Bear Maiden said...

Ain't it the truth... They do tell you. Nene told me how his feelings weren't the same for me as they were for him, and he never deviated. He told me upfront he would always love babymama and try to get back to her, and he never deviated... however. I learned something else, too. Sometimes, it's OK. It just depends on where you are in yourself... at that time, I didn't mind because I needed to love; I needed to practice loving someone and he was a safe bet. You should be able to love freely without expecting anything in return, as long as it doesn't cost you... and when it costs you then you need to re-evaluate. And when he told me that he was going back, I was mad and hurt... but at me, and at being disappointed, but not at him cuz he never deviated. And once I got over my own ish, we're still friends. Can be in the same room together, can even still flirt but nothing will ever happen again. Cuz he was honest, and I appreciated that. And I was honest, and he respected it.

Now this one, the TomCat... he has also told me what he is. And no, it aint' pretty and it's not what I want. But this time I told him straight up, loud and clear, what I wanted and that his time is limited if it's not something he can handle... and I think that's just as important. For you to be just as clear in what you want... and don't deviate.

It goes both ways...

Lovebabz said...

Dearest Bear Maiden,
You make some profoundly good points. No doubt from experience. I think you are right it goes both ways and if you come at it with honesty and understanding then you could find happiness. Hhhm you given me lots to ponder....as always!

KELSO'S NUTS said...

LOVEBABZ: Here's one man's perspective whether you like it or not!

With the caveat that I believe that this is more of an American middle-class issue than anything else, I think you've written up a very honest treaty agreement in the War Between The Sheets.

Before I left the States, I'd hear all of this palaver about "cougars" and how all you had to do to score one was to hint at wanting a relationship or marriage or more kids and throw some bedroom eyes. I have no idea whether that was true or not because it seemed like shooting dirty pool to me.

As I've posted here and at AJ's gaff, I've always presented myself as I am.

Now, whether there were women in my life who projected their fantasies of long-term commitment, marriage, financial security, and more children onto me, I can't say.

I know that I was honest. When I wanted a committed relationship and saw it developing, I'd say so and I'd stick with her until it ran aground. If I was in the mood only for fun, I'd make that clear to her as well.

I think, however, that men and women alike have to develop some internal tests to get a better read on whether the other person is bullshitting or not. Because there are bullshitters of both genders -- straight and gay -- and "intuition" is necessary but not sufficient.

You develop these tests organically through trial and error as you mature and gain more life experience.

For example, I came to believe that when a woman told me that she wanted "more communication," that was a very bad sign indeed. It usually meant that what she wanted was an opportunity to unspool a series of my crimes of commission and omission, criticize me for them, but accept no response other than pleas for forgiveness in return. "Communication" to me and to a lot of American men, I'd imagine, meant a one-way conversation that would be no fun at all.

I don't know that my responses to such things varied much. Usually, my mind would wander off and I'd nod my head and say "ok" at the right intervals going by sound and timbre in the conversation.

If at some point, I jokingly called the woman "boss" or "chief" or "captain" or "lieutenant", that meant that the relationship was going to last perhaps 12 hours longer. If I found myself feel ashamed of my behavior, I'd mull it over and make a sincere apology 12 hours later. Probably, other guys have other key words they use when they really don't care anymore. Important to listen for them.

But any time a woman told me that I had to "change," it ended there. Adults don't change abruptly. They evolve slowly.

I guess what I mean by all of this which is pertinent to your post is that men sometimes will tell you exactly what they want and who they are. But not always. And forcing the issue with the third-degree is a tricky business. Unless you have a very submissive man, you get about 1 or 2 shots at doing that.

One time, a woman read me the riot act over what I considered to be trivialities (I hadn't cheated on her; it was more like about why I was so reluctant to do certain things I thought were boring), I gave her one chance. I invited her to set up a codified system of infractions and corresponding fines for my behavior. And that if the fines were not excessive, I'd pay.

I figured if she thought that was funny and let the whole thing go, the relationship would have survived. She didn't think it was funny in the slightest. And I was done with her.

Lovebabz said...

Keslo,
I love your perspective! You are right on so many levels and I hear you. You are right, people do not change..they evolve. I know I am evolving and I am going to say that from now on rather than saying that I am changing.

I do not want to project my fantasies on a man. I want to be authentic. Iwant to accept him as he is. I want to love him with all his strengths and weaknesses. I want to be cool with his eccentricities...as he is with mine.

Your system of fines and infractions was indeed FUNNY!

You are a delight!

Princess Tinybutt said...

like auntie, and almost everyone else has said. this lesson is critical. and i wish i had someting profound and insightful to add to all the other thouhtful comments, other than this other critical lesson .. "first time shame on them, second time shame on you", but i don't.

i just thank you for your courage. courage to bare YOU to us, so that we may learn from, and be enlightened by you.

love you..... WARRIOR QUEEN

Lovebabz said...

Hep Princess!

Thank you very much! Oh you do so have tremendous insight...we have spent many a moment on the phone talking about our lives and loves. You my dear are the courageous one!