I am leaving. I am not sure I will be back. I think I will. It is my goal and intention to come back. I am not sure. I need a break. I need something more than all these words suffocating me. I hurt. I ache.
I have been standing in my loneliness for so long that I can't remember what it is to not feel lonely. I have be handling it. Pressing on and holding it down for a very long time. I am without question, strong and resilient. I am nothing if not resilient. Sojourner incarnate.
My life can sometimes get the better of me...right now it is. I am surrendering to what is. I have got to sit and rest and be quiet and not talk. I am weakened. This is the hardest truth to tell. My compass is broken. I am unsure in my steps.
I can't stop crying. I can't stop crying over stupid shit, major shit, SHIT. I don't know who can hold me, who can hold me up. I am not so sure anyone can. I am not so sure of too much.
What little I know is that Love lives in me. I do not doubt the depth and wealth of love in me.
So I am closing the house (blog) for the rest of the summer and perhaps the crispness of the coming Fall will stir me, move me, inspire me. And I may return with new vigor and a light heart, open and welcoming once again.
I turn my attention inward to my heart and soul. To listen for the divine. To fill my mind with healing words. To pray, contemplate, and discern what to do next.
To everything
There is a season
And a time for every purpose,
under heaven
Ecclesiastes
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
9 months ago
Posts
33 comments:
Wow. I hope you change your mind... for me these were always the times I kept writing, forcing myself to deal with what I was feeling...
I hope you come back soon.
I understand. When I am feeling this way, the best thing for me to do is to turn off the world and be still so that I can hear God.
I'm hoping you will feel better soon. We'll be here when you return waiting and anticipating your next big thing!!
Hey Love,
I went through the same thing and I understand. Sometimes you need time to find yourself and find your way.
Keep in touch if you feel up to it (email address is on my blog), sometimes knowing there are people out there who are thinking of you and wishing you the best helps.
Tears can be cleansing, let them flow so you can continue to move on and grow. You know I got a bottle of good wine waiting for you in the A when you come through!!
Keep your head up sister, the darkest night comes before the light of day. We each have to go through something to be thankful for what we have.
Sister Lovebabz,
Take your time, as long as you need. We bloggers will be here when you return.
Sometimes the peace comes not from the struggle but from the surrender so I nod as I read that you are surrendering to whatever it is in your life that is getting the better of you.
Peace, love and favor as you go through your season...
Babz: Honey, I am certainly praying for you. Having used you as my inspiration to continue writing on my blog just last week, and then to come here and read this really kind of threw me off. My heart ached for you because I think that I know a little of what you feel. Your words actually mirrored many of the thoughts and feelings that I had been feeling in the last few months.
Sweetheart, take your time if that is what God is leading you to do. Follow His voice. He'll guide you where He wants you to be.
And if that place is here on the blog, I am confident that you will return in 3 days, 30 days, or 300 days with the message that God wants you to carry to us. And if that place is not here on the blog, I am confident that you will follow His voice where ever He leads and guides you. And when and where you speak, your words will be magnified and empowered to touch all those who come in contact with you.
Shoot me an e-mail if you feel led. I'm here for you. In a way, a very unique way, you stood in the gap for me during my house fire. I will return the favor.
The truth is that I feel a little helpless. I want to reach out and help you. But the fact is that I can't. But you and I both no a God that has full access to you and your pain. Reach out to Him and He will be "all" that you need. The journey and the process is hard. But I am confident that God will guide you in the dark places of life. **I know a little something about that.**
I'm holding you down in the prayer department. And remember if you want to talk, hit me up.
Your sis,
Angie
angie.braden@gmail.com
In a post comment on this blog a day or two ago you said it yourself,
"I am so missing you on the regular. Stop staying away so long! I need you!"
You were right. You need me (us). I am right here, I feel how you feel, and I want to be here with you and for you. I have no answers, no words, only a heart that loves and supports you that you need to be able to feel right now more than ever before maybe. Please call me. We don't have to talk unless you wish to; I only want to be here through this with you as I wished someone had been there through this with me this time last year. I would call you if I had a number. You have my number, so please call me...if not for you, please call me for me.
Do what you feel you must about the blog, but know this one thing for sure, YOU ARE WELL LOVED; even when you hurt and are lonely as hell. YOU ARE WELL LOVED.
well be safe and blessed
Peace be still. There is a time for stillness. I can feel that. I am expressing it right now. I feel like I want to fly and escape to a nice comfy corner and zone out.
We'll be here when you come back take care.
You do what you feel is best for you. But blogging can sometimes help.
Oh honey, I had no idea you were struggling so. Do what you need to do but I will miss you very, very much. My heart just hurts for you right now. Big, big hug, L xox
Sister Lo,
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace (who imparts all blessing and favor), Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ Jesus will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen and settle you"
1 Peter 5:10
AMP
Struggles develop strength. It saddens me that you are going through such a hard time.
I want you to know that we have to go through 'it' to get to the other side of 'it'. It is the going through 'it' that is tough. However, when we come out on the other side of 'it', we usually have a new awareness of self.
Yes, life can get the better part of us. As Black women we have to 'hold it down' and 'press on' in spite of it all. It is what makes us strong. We too often have to hold ourselves up. It is a blessing but at the same time can be a curse.
It is okay to cry. Cry out loud! It is okay to say, "FUCK THIS, and FUCK YOU TOO", to all that is not in your best interest. humph.
Take this time. Be with yourself. Take that love that is in you and pour it all over yourself.
You are not alone. Your writings are a source of inspiration to me. I am standing on the sidelines cheering for you! My prayer for you is that God provides you with a peace that surpasses all understanding. So that you may be a witness to the glory of His goodness!
Take care of yourself (it sounds like this is part of that caretaking).
I am here, and I hear you. You know as well as I do that the ass kicking starts internally....but I am here holding your hand when you need it and even when you don't.
let's get well, baby.
NUTMEG: I feel you. Being through these three times before. Some combination of Zoloft, Benzodiazipines, therapy, exercise and rest seemed to do the trick.
I certainly couldn't imagine blogging in that state. The world waits forever for the good ones (e.g., Capote, Lee, Salinger) to get their shit back together.
If you need a lift and a laugh you know how to reach me. Be forewarned though, I'm a dispenser of kindness not TOUGH LOVE. I wouldn't tell you what to do or criticize you in any way.
When these things are chemical they last a while unless you get really lucky with an SSRI that's quick to work (2 weeks or so from onset you should feel some relief if you go that route toward getting help.
For now, only take care of most pressing responsibilties, your family and yourself. Do anything that gives you some amusement or just takes away the dark thoughts. Indulge yourself a little.
I'm fairly new to your blog and don't really know you all that well... however your presence will be missed.
Will see you when this season passes. All season WILL pass. They have to, it's just the way it works. ((hugs))
yep, sometimes we need some REAL world time!
Aw, I hope there is a change in the wind and you come back. If not, enjoy your break and do some soul cleansing.
SistaCuz, my thougths reflect what others have said so far, so I will not repeat.
You know how to reach me when you are ready. I went through something in college when I had to back away from everyone in order to get back on track, so I understand.
God Bless and be safe
awwww..hun. I just found you. Can you keep it open and just not post? Well keep my email and let me know when you start posting again www.gobytch@yahoo.com
Wow, i wish you well lovebabz and hope in this time you find what you need, what nourishes you and helps you to bloom. I know how life can sometimes get us down, and how we too can add to that process, but when it's time to let go, it's time and nobody knows that more than you. I wish you the very, very best, all the time!
How you gone mess up my Bible study by inspiring me to cuss? Dangoneit, take a break if you need to, but....what we gotta do to make you stay? You got me reading you like a crackhead and then you go and cut off my supply. It's okay, do what you gotta do...we'll be here when you get back.
**skipping off singing: they wanted me to go to rehab, but I said no, no, no...**
Take time out for you... and remember, the way you are feeling right here, right now- it's a season, and you will get through it. (The operative word here is "through").
If you don't remember anything, remember this: You are here, you exist, you have purpose. And if that is all you have? You have much.
Take care of YOU.
Sista Lo:
It hasn't been very long since I first encountered you, but I've felt your voice, nodded in affirmation, chuckled at your wit, tasted some of your pain.
LIFE is so much BIGGER than any of this stuff. LIFE and the living of it are what matter most. So, go and live your Life & feel it's JOY, & absorb its pain, and probe its questions in search of answers. Read a challenging book, listen to good music, meditate, light candles & incense, & take leisurely baths. Do those things you love to do & do them for YOU & only YOU! Take walks on a sunny beach, & dance in the rain, & hold those you Love Closely to your chest! Then, you'll reaquaint yourself with YOUR SELF & recognize your Power & your Purpose.
I wish you well on this necessary journey... & I, like the rest, look forward to your return... should you choose to return.
But, in the meanwhile, from the jaws of human suffering, Snatch JOY, Sista Lo! Snatch JOY!!!
One.
Lin
awww hon
hope u get it together soon
cme back now yahear?
You are a strong woman and many times we find strength in our ability to be weak. Go on and cry. Get all those emotions out. Don't apologize, don't feel sorry about it. Just lean on The Father and let it do what it do.
Having just discovered your thoughtful blog earlier this week, and now learning that you need a break, I will enjoy your previous posts.
I'll also say a little prayer for you, Lovebabz. Loneliness hurts like a throbbing pain and eats away our joy and ability for living well.
In a few days I'll post an article on one way of how to address this. Unless you've turned off the Internet while on break (not a bad idea!) drop in and read it.
Until the next time, ~ Kit
ok folk stay in touch
make that loot
LoveB, My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care and be well.
my first time coming through. your last post was soo... iono i can't put it into words.
take your time and come back.
Sistah sounds like you've got a great plan...be still and hear God! I pray that He anoints your head with oil and refills your cup. Peace & Blessings
You have lifted my spirits tremendously!
Thank YOU! Thank you for your prayers, phone calls, emails and well wishes.
I am good at holding on. I am so good at holding on that it ought to be an olympic sport with me as the captain fo the team!
I am summoning new strength. I am remembering my courage and I am not falling.
I rise.
hey sis...my prayers are with you. i have no doubt you will be back because yours is a story that begs to be told.
we all need a break at times. take it, enjoy it, recover, and strengthen yourself. in the mean time we can catch up on the old posts we missed!
Yes, sister woman you gotta let those tears out. You have deep purging to do and it is not always an intellectual process.
I believe you have to pay attention to the tears because they contain toxins, both emotional and bio-chemical that must now leave your system. You are done with them and they must go. Forget about tissues, go with extra fluffy towels.
Blessed Woman, look at your past year! Where you were and where you are. You have friends you have never met who are holding you in a loving embrace.
You got people on multiple continents praying for your safe journey. Do not be deceived,
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Take your time, get your healing and come back when your are ready.
Which I hope will be before Oct-Nov 08 cuz we need everybody with an active functional brain and a voice.
If one of the things that is bothering you is that you don't know how to move forward then I leave you with these time honored words:
You put your whole self in,
You put your whole self out;
You put your whole self in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey-Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!
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