The sun is shining and I can feel myself coming into my own. The shit that threw me into a funk has been properly put into its own place. I was trying to fix something that didn't need ME to fix. I wanted to have a different outcome on a particular situation and that was just not happening.
A couple of weeks my Ex came over to pick the kids up for dinner. He noticed I had my invitation to my Brother's wedding. He inquired about his. I said he was not invited. Now meanwhile my Brother is here at my house...sitting on the couch. My Ex says to me "Well I am divorcing you not him" Hhhm I don't think so, you are divorcing my whole family. They are not comfortable with you being there. That's why I hate coming over here, you always want to attack me. Kids your mother will take you out to dinner, I am leaving. We take the argument outside, says I am never coming over here again, you can have sole custody.
My children witnessed this.
So this turned me upside down and inside out. What in God's name did I do to him to cause this kind of treatment. For the past couple of weeks I wore his fury like jewelry. I walked around as in a dream. I couldn't get a handle on anything. I was numb. So of course my first instinct was to retreat. I know how to retreat. I was prepared to drop everything, all my hopes, dreams and plans. I was leaving this blog and I was going to retreat. I started to believe that he was right that I couldn't do this. I couldn't raise these kids on my own, that I couldn't take care of this house. That I couldn't do anything. I believed him. For the last couple of weeks I believed him.
He has not been by to see the children. He has not called them. I have encouraged them to write to him and send him notes...now he lives across town. But I also don't want them begging anyone to love them. So I am releasing myself from the burden of trying to patch his relationship with his children. That is not my truth to bear. and quite frankly there is no convincing in love. If you say you love someone you act accordingly. There are no excuses.
Today I believe me. I believe I can and I will live the life of my dreams...with children in tow. It took a bit for me to work my way through this. It took me really digging deep and seeing him for what and who he is. Truth be told he was always that way. I just lived in a state of disbelief. I know what kind of wife I was. I was faithful and attentive and loving. I am all those things still.
This is what I know today:
NO ONE WILL EVER TELL ME WHO I AM AGAIN. MY OPINION OF MYSELF IS THE PREVAILING OPINION. I AM AN AMAZING WOMAN AND I DESERVE ALL THE LOVE I CAN GIVE MYSELF! NO ONE WILL EVER TREAT ME LESS THAN I TREAT MYSELF. NO ONE WILL EVER RAISE A HAND TO ME AGAIN IN INTIMIDATION AND FEAR.
This is a new day and I am ready for it. I am awake and alive and I am READY!