The sun is shining and I can feel myself coming into my own. The shit that threw me into a funk has been properly put into its own place. I was trying to fix something that didn't need ME to fix. I wanted to have a different outcome on a particular situation and that was just not happening.
A couple of weeks my Ex came over to pick the kids up for dinner. He noticed I had my invitation to my Brother's wedding. He inquired about his. I said he was not invited. Now meanwhile my Brother is here at my house...sitting on the couch. My Ex says to me "Well I am divorcing you not him" Hhhm I don't think so, you are divorcing my whole family. They are not comfortable with you being there. That's why I hate coming over here, you always want to attack me. Kids your mother will take you out to dinner, I am leaving. We take the argument outside, says I am never coming over here again, you can have sole custody.
My children witnessed this.
So this turned me upside down and inside out. What in God's name did I do to him to cause this kind of treatment. For the past couple of weeks I wore his fury like jewelry. I walked around as in a dream. I couldn't get a handle on anything. I was numb. So of course my first instinct was to retreat. I know how to retreat. I was prepared to drop everything, all my hopes, dreams and plans. I was leaving this blog and I was going to retreat. I started to believe that he was right that I couldn't do this. I couldn't raise these kids on my own, that I couldn't take care of this house. That I couldn't do anything. I believed him. For the last couple of weeks I believed him.
He has not been by to see the children. He has not called them. I have encouraged them to write to him and send him notes...now he lives across town. But I also don't want them begging anyone to love them. So I am releasing myself from the burden of trying to patch his relationship with his children. That is not my truth to bear. and quite frankly there is no convincing in love. If you say you love someone you act accordingly. There are no excuses.
Today I believe me. I believe I can and I will live the life of my dreams...with children in tow. It took a bit for me to work my way through this. It took me really digging deep and seeing him for what and who he is. Truth be told he was always that way. I just lived in a state of disbelief. I know what kind of wife I was. I was faithful and attentive and loving. I am all those things still.
This is what I know today:
NO ONE WILL EVER TELL ME WHO I AM AGAIN. MY OPINION OF MYSELF IS THE PREVAILING OPINION. I AM AN AMAZING WOMAN AND I DESERVE ALL THE LOVE I CAN GIVE MYSELF! NO ONE WILL EVER TREAT ME LESS THAN I TREAT MYSELF. NO ONE WILL EVER RAISE A HAND TO ME AGAIN IN INTIMIDATION AND FEAR.
This is a new day and I am ready for it. I am awake and alive and I am READY!
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
8 months ago
Posts
18 comments:
Yes. Just yes, yes, yes. You are awesome. xoxxo
Laurie,
Thank you kindly. I got my sea legs back!
Truly a liberating moment! The day you realize that no one, and I mean, NO ONE, defines who you are, except God, is the day that you truly begin to live.
Blessings and love sistah! Go get 'em!
You go girl! I have a whole lot more to say about this but I'm leaving it alone.
I understand. It is hard knowing that you picked someone to love who could be so opposite of the person you thought they were.
I have (unfortunately) experienced something similar and it shakes you to your core. But remember, everyone makes bad decisions. You have to realize it was just that...a bad decision and chose to learn and move forward. It sounds so easy, but it can be so hard.
Sending love your way. *hugz*
I wish you could see the SMILE that's all over my face!!! Thank you LB!
Hi Kiayaphd
It took me some low moments to get me here! But I got it!
Ndelible
Thank you...I am off and running!
Monique
Thanks, you are welcome to come back and share it all!
Kay C. The Quiet Storm,
Marrying him was not a bad decison. He and I are on different paths and because of him I have 4 little blessings.
K.O.Johnson
Not as big as my smile. I am feeling GOOD! I feel you.
Doggonit, Babz!! I read this this morning and it left me all emotional! I ain't blogging in your comment section, so I blogged in my own,i.e., I left my LONG comment over there. (I know. Tis a shame. I know. Stop shaking your head).
Yeah, I knew you'd get back up on your feet. Quickly. We some strong free womens... we always do.
Wow Babz. I'm so angry at him, and happy for you at the same time.
This is an inspiration for me - your self realization at the end. I need to do the same thing.
Girl, if you had written that earlier I could have spared you weeks of pain. Or a few days, anyway.
Something I know about is emotional abuse. Of someone trying to tear you down because of their own low self-worth. It's WAY worse than physical abuse... cuz if you've ever been hit (depending on your personality) you know after awhile that just pisses you off. You KNOW you don't deserve to be hit... and my reaction was to "go off" and fight like hell. I left my first husband cuz I was afraid I'd kill him, cuz he beat my ass.
But emotional abuse is insidious, because you don't always notice it right away. It starts quietly, with comments, or "jokes" or sneers or "You can't do that" Or worse "Do you really think you can do that? Are you sure?" And it's easier to get "hooked" ESPECIALLY if he's not physically abusive.
And the spitting thing. WHOOEEE nothing gets me fired up more than being spit at! He spit at me once... holding MY crying child in his arms up and away from me, and spit in my face. And with my child in his arms I tried to claw his eyes out... lost my mind. He never did that again... but years later in court I brought it up as an example of abuse (because I was asked if I was ever spit at)... and was gratified when the judge gave him hell for it.
I'm glad you're back to yourself... but you will have moments when you get caught out there cuz it's a hard habit to break... but I'm going to tell you next time he comes at you, don't listen to the TONE... cuz it's the TONE that hooks you. Because when you start paying attention you realize he's inconsisent in what he SAYS because he's using words to manipulate, and will say whatever it takes. But the TONE... in my case, a low threatening rumble, would put knots in my stomach. And he never hit me.
Cuz check this out... yours said that he's not coming back, you can have sole custody BUT at the same time he's saying you're not shit and you can't handle it. Uh, buddy... which is it??? Cuz what he was trying to do was rattle you... and he succeeded. But he did it first by playing on your mommy emotions wanting him to be their for his children.. feeling their pain at not seeing their father. But when you didn't budge and stood him down, then he pulled out the self-esteem gun by telling you can't handle it on your own. And you KNOW you can... cuz if he hasn't been around then you HAVE been handling it on your own.
See, mine tried to TAKE custody of my kid... sued me for full legal custody. But at the same time he was real quick to throw in the towel and move to California when he realized he wasn't going to beat me that easily. "I can't fight this" he whined. "Women have all the rights". But what he was trying to do was to manipulate my guilt so that I'd roll over and beg him to stay here because he was hurting his kid. Hell no. I didn't fight. I let him go. I was relieved. Now his ass is stuck out there.
And it's important you realize something else... I disagree what Kay c said about him being a "bad decision". It's not that. It WASN'T a bad decision, it's just that he was what you were used to. He was familiar to you. I say this because you have been pretty open about your childhood and the abuse you suffered... and until you can really recognize and break the pattern (which can be very very hard to do) you can find yourself being attracted to the same types of men over and over. You think you are attracting THEM... but you are attracted TO THEM because they are "familiar". It was something I really struggled with--I still do... cuz I had three abusive relationships (one physically abusive) with the two emotionally abusive ones happening back-to-back... I had an epiphany the day I was fighting the "fling" I was having immediately after the babydaddy (I divorced husband 20 years ago or so), and called the fling by the babydaddy's name. Cuz I was fighting with him exactly the same way.
After that I stopped dating, lol.
Anyway... long, rambling... I hope you get what I'm saying though. And I'm damn proud of you for pulling through. And you're right... you won't ever be defined by someone else again.. You go, girl. You make your own definitions...
Dearest Ladylee,
We are indeed STRONG and KIND women!
Greeting Immoral Matriarch,
I am no longer anger with him. I pray for him. That's it. I know who I am and I like me!
Sister Bear Maiden,
You are wise and kind to share this with me. You captured what I know to be true. What I just learned and saw and witnessed for myself. What I have experienced. I am a woman for lessons and lessons learned. I am grateful to him for having the courage to walk away. I would not have done it. I would have stayed true to my marriage vows...they are sacred to me. But he has released me. He has set me free in ways that even I was resistant to. The familiar is comforting and requires nothing more than to just do more of the same day in and day out. Now I can dream the biggest dream for myself. I can love with a big open heart. I am no longer afraid of the wrong thing to say or do. I can do as I please, and be pleased with what I do.
Thank you. Thank you. Your open heart meets my open heart.
I raise my hat to you sister. I had to read this and them come back and comment later because all of my East Oakland warrior spirit came up in me.I come from a long line of hard fighting Creole women who put allot of fight fire in my via tales of cars that were lit on fire and ice picks pulled on men who wouldn't do right.
I have had to Reteach myself how not to let someone elses anger or ignorance be my master. You have much to be proud of, for not letting your anger or vengence steal your joy!
Stay blessed!
I am sad to read what he made you go through a couple of weeks ago.
I am happy to read that you are back standing up straight with pride and dignity and most of all solid as a rock for your children.
Congratulations and respect to you, you are one strong woman!
Blessings for your and your children from Germany.
Anja
First of all, yeah -- what everybody else said. Next, guuuurrl, I'ma have to send you the number to the rideout red phone. When you need to posse up and go kick some azz, holla at ya girl!! :-) (After the chirren go to sleep, of course. We ride at night.)
I suspect if your kids were not there, you and your brother would have taken him out.
But then again, he may not have tried such a move.
I know a little something about a funk, I can really relate to letting people "send you there". Glad you got out of the funk safely and sanely. Hang in there. I'm 12 years post divorce and 10 years into a new happy marriage. You'll get there too!
get it girl!!!
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