It has been my experience in my life that when I dragged my feet on any decision that had to be made... life would make the decision for me.
As I look at my life I can see every example of this. I can see every fear based, paralyzing decision I couldn't make. I used to think it was all sort of coincidence, but as I stepped closer to God and immersed myself in my faith, I now know that God had to do the intervening. For better or for worse in my estimation, God always works for the greater good even though I couldn't see that at the time.
So today I find myself begging God to rescue me from squandering my talents, wasting my time and not going after my heart's desire. I am still not sure of the truth I see before me.... I am still looking off into the distance for something else. I used to think it was something more... but I sense it's all about something else. Something else that I long for that I can't quite grasp. In my dreams and waking moments I can see the peace-love-holiness I desire, seek and crave.
At 50 I am acutely aware of time... not in hours or minutes, but having enough time to do all that I dream to do. Time is a luxury, as are day dreams and waking thoughts of fantasy. But time also inspires and ignites passions. If not now, when? That's a time motivated statement.
So perhaps revisiting lists... The love List, the 1000 things I want to do before I die and perhaps a newer list of all the things that scare me to paralysis.
OK, so this is what I am taking to prayer: Why do I need God to rescue me? And am I being the best me outside of fear?