I believe most would say I have high self-esteem. I would even say that I have high self-esteem...on some days, maybe even most days. Just not yesterday or today even, although, it's not even daybreak...(sigh).
Having high self esteem is not about someone telling you "You look great!" "You are amazing" "Look what you have accomplished" "You are so strong". It truly doesn't matter what anyone thinks, if you, yourself do not believe it or feel it or live it. So when I am feeling like this, my first instinct is to do something. Change something, because surely there is something wrong that I must make right. Surely I must not be good enough as is. Ahhh therein lies my problem, not being good enough AS IS.
So I am standing in the mirror, naked, looking at myself, trying to look beyond the body and all the physical imperfections. Seeing everything that is wrong with this body, with this life. All I see is what I am not. And what I am not seems to loom larger and larger over my day and the day is just getting started. Oh defeat is settling in before I even get out of the gate. It starts with the whispering of you can't, you won't, you shouldn't. It gets louder and louder until I am in full break down mode. Paralyzed with fear and mistrusting decisions I made weeks ago, second guessing choices and rethinking future plans. It's like falling down a well with nothing to grab onto. It is the sense of loneliness in a crowded room where you feel like you do not belong.
This feeling of not being good enough is isolating. I can withdraw from the world and cocoon. I can dim my lights so low that I become almost invisible, which for the most part does not suit me. However, I can already feel myself retreating. The weight of my life is quite overwhelming and if I don't be still then it will for sure break me.
The upside of this is that I am nothing if not resilient. Retreating often times is my jump-start to refocus and recharge. It is the time I need to count the blessings.
Mirror mirror on the wall...what the fuck?
I'll be back.