Monday, June 30, 2008

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL...

I believe most would say I have high self-esteem. I would even say that I have high self-esteem...on some days, maybe even most days. Just not yesterday or today even, although, it's not even daybreak...(sigh).

Having high self esteem is not about someone telling you "You look great!" "You are amazing" "Look what you have accomplished" "You are so strong". It truly doesn't matter what anyone thinks, if you, yourself do not believe it or feel it or live it. So when I am feeling like this, my first instinct is to do something. Change something, because surely there is something wrong that I must make right. Surely I must not be good enough as is. Ahhh therein lies my problem, not being good enough AS IS.

So I am standing in the mirror, naked, looking at myself, trying to look beyond the body and all the physical imperfections. Seeing everything that is wrong with this body, with this life. All I see is what I am not. And what I am not seems to loom larger and larger over my day and the day is just getting started. Oh defeat is settling in before I even get out of the gate. It starts with the whispering of you can't, you won't, you shouldn't. It gets louder and louder until I am in full break down mode. Paralyzed with fear and mistrusting decisions I made weeks ago, second guessing choices and rethinking future plans. It's like falling down a well with nothing to grab onto. It is the sense of loneliness in a crowded room where you feel like you do not belong.

This feeling of not being good enough is isolating. I can withdraw from the world and cocoon. I can dim my lights so low that I become almost invisible, which for the most part does not suit me. However, I can already feel myself retreating. The weight of my life is quite overwhelming and if I don't be still then it will for sure break me.

The upside of this is that I am nothing if not resilient. Retreating often times is my jump-start to refocus and recharge. It is the time I need to count the blessings.

Mirror mirror on the wall...what the fuck?

I'll be back.

12 comments:

sista gp said...

I am not sure if it is self-esteem or just not letting SELF get the best of me.
When I see what is wrong, I look for what is right.
When I see what I am not, I look for what I am.
When I see what I have not done, I look for what I have.

When I feel that I can't, won't, shouldn't, I question myself. Why not?

It is up to me what I do/what I am, whether encouraged or discouraged.

And if none of that works, a trip to the chocolatier is in order, lol.

Mizrepresent said...

I too have been down this road, time and time again...but what helps alot is turning that around and not looking for the negative, but praising the positive.

The Artist In Me said...

Love...Love...Love: This too shall pass! We talked about this not too long ago via email, except the shoe was on the other foot. You will get back on the horsey soon. It is just a matter of time.

Be blessed!

Aunt Jackie said...

sending you cyber hugs.

ooh we have them days..all of us, and the good news is that even in the throws of it all..those days pass.

Monica said...

Dayummm...

My mantra...

I Love Me
I Love Me
I LOVE ME!

And then I go get my hair and toes did!

the prisoner's wife said...

i agree with the others. i don't think lacking self-esteem is necessarily the issue. self-doubt is normal. our swagger is not always FABULOUS. we ebb and flow like the ocean. consider yourself the tide: sometime you're raging and covering everything, washing every one in your glow, and the next...a trickle. it's just how life works. regroup and come back as fierce as ever.

Lovebabz said...

Thank you all! It is a true testament to this blog world when you can get the voices of different Sisters raised in support of another.

I am grateful. I have a grat many challenges.

I am nothing if not resillient!

Freeman said...

Life is life, high self esteem just gets that lawnmower going faster than most. I guess I'm similar with my disappointments too, I usually regroup and jump into the next thing that I want to win. Keep your head up I'm sure better days are ahead.

Freeman P.
http://freemanpress.wordpress.com

Lovebabz said...

Hi Freeman,

Hhhm I think you may be right. I am already moving forward.

KELSO'S NUTS said...

NUTMEG: You're in pain and you're lonely. It happens to the best. It happens to the rest. Your writing is still razon-sharp and you're not afraid to share your experience on the telegraph wire. I'd say that speaks to healthy self-esteem.

You've certainly been in tighter spots than this but sometimes the tight spots can forestall melancholy because you need to summon all your strength to deal with your reality. Look, when my attorney said "go," I got it together in a hurry and found myself a few days later in a completely new environment and I went close to two years without feeling depressed. It took something so small as missing my son's Little League opener to set me off on a three-week spell of complete anhedonia.

When I realized what was really going on, I upped my dosage of Zoloft and Valium and levelled out.

If you're not a depressive then the tincture of time is the best cure. It never gets so bad you can't deal with it and there's always psychotherapy and psychopharmacology. You don't have to fight your demons alone or with religion only. Or with any self-help aphorisms.

You take care of yourself anyway you can. It's that American perfection-must-ever-show-weakness thing again, but take it from a guy who was never really an American. It's fine to cry. To wail at the moon. To shout: "Dad, get me out of this!" To see a shrink. Or to take medication.

There may be one or two of LOVEBABZ's regulars who are shocked by my words and think I'm some how insulting her. I'm most definitely not. It's a cultural thing. I'm Ashkenaz through and through. We draw strength from our weaknesses. Strong Jungian process here. They got rid of half of all of us what 65 years ago? So, when you're scared of everything, it's just as easy to be scared of nothing at all.

Be well. Be happy. You deserve only the best in life.

Lovebabz said...

Kelso,
You are so right. I am.

I am doing my best to stay up and focused.

I do so appreciate your kind words and my loyal readers will not have a problem with you saying what you need to say to me.

I am coming out from under a tough time and I am feeling pretty good. There are days when I feel completely overwhelmed. Luckily that is few and far between.

Again I appreciate your readiness to always lift me up!

Princess Tinybutt said...

amen. and i'm with the other's. i don't think that it's lacking self esteem, necessarily. i feel that we all go thru this to varying degrees. it can be so hard to find the rope. or something, to grab onto. in our minds.

this happens to me regularly really. i just say, sometimes aloud, 'stopit, dammit angela. stopit'. then i check myself. going down the list of whatever that 'voice of doubt' was spewing off at me.

yes, love yourself. being doubtful from time to time, doesn't mean that you don't love yourself. i don't know what it means. other than for me, and you, to remind ourselves just how wonderful we are.

be well :)