My ex-husband used to say to me all the time, "You can't use yourself as a measuring tool for other people---you always want to see the good--people will hurt you and keep walking" As I think about this and all the shit he has pulled I guess he is proven right. I just did not expect the person closest to me to plunge the knife the deepest.
Things are what they are. I do not have to do anything except be me as I operate from a place of love. I do not have to fight malice with malice. I do not have to walk the earth as a wounded ex-wife. He left. I do not need to hold onto that. I am no one's victim. I am not even hating him. Being angry with him does nothing for my spirit. I am not being anything other than a woman on her path to joy, peace and love.
It is tricky separating out feelings from victimization. It is easy to wallow in he did this to me, when really my focus is what I do with my life is my call. Getting to that mindset is quite liberating. Freeing me in ways that I never thought I could be. I am so far from him that it is almost like being on Mount Kilimanjaro looking back and seeing him still putting on his climbing shoes as I reach the summit.
I was wounded by him the other day. It hurt a lot. I allowed his knife to nip at my heart because I was seeing him still with the eyes of old and not the eyes of now. Oh I am so focused now. I see him. But most importantly I see me. I realized that I do not have to dance with him anymore. He can play off his script from now until the cows come home. It has no bearing on me. I was trying to be the bridge between him and our children. But I come to realize that is not my role. I do not have to remind him of being a parent. I do not have to remind him or shame him into seeing them regularly. I am done. He will have the kind of relationship he creates with them. I will not impede or sugar coat, facilitate or make excuses for whatever he creates with them. All I can do is what I do.
I am getting beyond betrayal. I have. I look forward to the divorce. I look forward to all the possibilities the world has to offer. Yesterday was painful, today is joyous.