I had several discussions with several different women about finding partners, lovers, mates, significant others, husbands. In those conversations what I found most striking was the emphasis on looks. He has to be tall, he has to be built like a football player, he has to be tough, he has to be a little thuggish. He can't be short, he can't be ugly, he can't be dull, he can't be too soft--meaning effeminate...sigh. Then after all that is said, then content of character, heart, kindness and common sense are a distant second...clearly a distant second. No wonder our loveships are dismal. We are focused on things that have no bearing on love. Being tall is no indication of kindness, or ability to love. Being built like a football player does not denote a gentle spirit and a commitment to world peace. All those physical attributes speak to physical attraction. And attraction is just the appetizer. Appetizer by definition is any small portion that stimulates a desire for more or that indicates more is to follow.
So I am revisiting my Love List, because I am clear about what I want in a loveship. As I said to my women friends. How ever he shows up with the qualities I deem important and necessary will be the man for me. Packaging is just that...packaging. How something is wrapped can be exciting but it gives no hint of what is inside. You know when you get that box of assorted chocolates and you have to stick you finger into each one to see if its one you will like, because no matter how yummy it looks it could taste nasty on the inside. The body just houses the spirit and it is the spirit that I am drawn to. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is fleeting and again no real indication of ability to love.
I am not better or more enlightened than the next Sister. I just know that when men go to marry women they are clear. They are not looking for the chick in the club every weekend, or the women with the biggest tits, or the roundest butt. They are looking for women that can help make a house a home. They are looking for partners and helpmates and yes a lover. But most importantly self actualized men want women who are themselves self actualized.
I am willing to wait for my beloved to arrive with my eyes wide open. I am prepared to see him as he is and who is. I am not interested in changing anyone, I am not interested in potential, I am not interested in past successes or losses. I am engaged in the here and now. The appetizer is delicious, but I much prefer the full course...dessert included!
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
8 months ago
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31 comments:
Wow!
You are so on point in this piece I am left with my mind spinning simply trying to accommodate all the sense you are making here. I wrote a similar post at my spot back in early 2006 titled "Through The Fire".
When you say that you are NOT looking for potential in this piece, that soooooooo hits home with me because in my opinion, the "potential search" has ruined a lot of lives and what matters most is "WHAT IS"...not what might one day be as grown ass men LIKE grown ass women should ALREADY BE most of what they ever are to be!
Phenomenal post from a phenomenal woman.
just smiling cuz i was in on one of those discussions ... all i'll say is we all seekin' what we need & i wish us all Love & Happiness... ;-)
Hey Sharon,
I got your number from Capcity and I will call you later! I having been married for 12 years and now getting divoreced my wishes are more rooted in truth and kindness.
Hey Capcity,
Yes I had this discussion with you and lots of other women. It started with my Love List back in March and all the emails I got from friends and women I didn't know, all wondering why they aren't married or in relationships with depth or meaning. Well I said stop looking at the package and start looking for qualities. Of course few make that connection. So since I has os many of these conversation I just thought I would post my thoughts. As I said I am no more enlightened than the next Sister. And you are right we all seeking what we need.
I think physical attraction is most important for men. we can't deny that in nature there is apart of us that relies upon attraction. on a basic level i think it's to ensure population growth and to maintain humanity so when men feel attracted to a woman even subconsciously it triggers action in them.
i'm old fashioned and had a mother that wouldn't even allow me to CALL boys on the phone cuz she said that they should be calling me...which is to say that we as women are fortunate to be able to look at the content of a man while he feels the gentle tug of nature towards us, that is apart of our selection process.
things get all askew when women start trying to bag (as in get 'em in bed men) and be the aggressor in my opinion. messes with that gentle tug of nature.
i can be a shallow and immature as anyone else when it comes to good looking men, but i can't over look content because when looks fade..and they do, content remains.
Great post!
"How something is wrapped can be exciting but it gives no hint of what is inside." This is a great quote. I think we've all fallen victim to outward appearances only to be let down when we got to the core.
I learned a LONG time ago that the prettiness fades but the gentle soul remains.
Aunt Jackie,
Shoot, we all can be and have been shallow! One woman's fine man is another's ugly man. What Ia m talking about is looking at men for who they are as they present themselves. I am convinced that we pass up a great many treasures for the superfical reasons.
Monique,
Yes indeed. I too long for a kind and gentle soul.
As a man who just called off his engagement, I can tell you first hand that looks are not the most important thing for men. The world is full of beautiful women. A MAN who is ready to settle down wants more than just a beautiful face to look at.
There is a misconception that men only want a beautiful woman who is good in bed. If that were the case, there would be no marriages because men would just be having sex all the time. MEN who are ready to settle down, look at women differently. Yes, they want a beautiful woman, but beauty is more than skin deep. It's the part that people can't see that makes a woman beautiful. Her innocence, her personality, her ability to hold a conversation, her appreciation of chivalry, and so much more. I could go on, but I don't want to start posting in the comment section.
@ Lovebabz: I might take you up on doing my own love list.
Hello Organized Noise!
Ahhh calling off one's wedding is pretty intense. Yes indeed you need a love list! I did one for the month of March...100 things I wanted in a lover/soul mate. I posted my desires and really I ahve a point of reference to look back.
Give yourself time and room to find that person to light up your life. You are a loving man...a loveship is just around the corner.
Hey Lovebabz,
I was saying "AMEN" by the end of this post. I agree that no matter how good looking or fine a person is...after looking at them every day for a couple of years (or months) their beauty is lost on you. After that you get to the person they really are.
Yes, the big boobed girls get the attention and when you are lonely, that is what you focus on. You can't see brains or personality from across a crowded room, but you can "feel" personality after a couple of conversations.
I am working on believing the signs a person gives you in the beginning. Because people will always give you "hints" about the real person they are in the beginning...it's just up to us to take those hints as the truth.
Kay C, The Quiet Storm,
YES YES YES! You are so on point. I too feel EXACTLY the same way.
Oprah oftens shares the advise she got from Dr. Maya Angelou: When someone tells you who they are...believe them.
So often we hear what we want to hear and see what we want to see and excuse behaviours and such because we talk ourselves into things that are not necessarily good for us. We work hard at trying to make things work out, when really if we just would have let it go at the onset we would be better off. Gosh this is a post unto itself...LOL!
Men should also take a lesson from this post because so many of us choose the wrong woman for superficial reasons. Nice write up.
Stephen Bess took the words right out of my mouth.
Hey Stephen Bess,
You are right and thank you for the compliment.
Hey Rich,
Love the new photo! I love it when men speak up and say that Yes it is the same on this side of the world too!
I am finding this out, more and more of late. I no longer compare the outside package, but look for the inside. Case in point, i met someone who would have violated all kinds of rules i had set in my head about the man i would not date, short, nerdy, pretty tony styled, but i decided to look pass that and give this brother a chance at the kingdom. Let me tell you what a joyous surprise to find the treasure beyond the man. A man who speaks to my soul and heart, a loving man, giving man, Heart so big, that he grew 5 inches in my presence and his swagger was mean! I was going to do a post about "packages" just because of what i found...a gem, a diamond in the ruff!
Hey MizR,
See that's what I am talking about! Soemtimes you gotta get out of your own way and give up these rules we made becasue we think a certain package will also include common sense, character and kindness.
Goood for you! Now take it easy...only fools rush in...smile!
i aint no pretty nigga
workethic and providing the truth
do for me and ill do for u
look dime a dozen jones
i aint no pretty nigga folk
Ah the vertable Mr. Stephens...
Yes indeed, I see your point. You my friend have swagger...a very attractive quality. So few speak truth to power.
Thank you, it is quite refreshing.
Some of us men are Lucky women get so caught up in the physical! hahaha!
Kidding! Kidding!
But most people fall for that thinking at some point. It is normal. We all see the Billboard first.
Just keep in mind the Heart stuff you need, too. But don’t discount the Heat!
Rock on!
and there u have it
im right there with u
Hey Rex Venom,
Yes you are right, we see the billboard first. No one is immune to seeing the billboard first. But once you see it and stand there a minute, you realize there has to be more...you want more.
Hey Ms. Dejanae,
I know you would be! How are you these days!
NUTMEG: This is truly a uniquely American phenonmenon. I've lived in England, Spain three separate times, Russia, and now Panama and nobody ever talks or thinks about PERFECTION in a lover the way Americans do. I am absolutely convinced that Americans prefer talking about sex and reasons not have sex to actually doing it.
How you folks reproduce? Seriously, with such standards American men and women put on each other, how COULD you possibly reproduce?
These dating rituals, also, are just freaky and weird and I kind of get an uncomfortable feeling that I ever got involved in any of that. All of the guessing and hoping and power-tripping. Geez.
A business partner called me the match.com Man Of The Year for 2005 for my remarkable record of first date sex and the quantity and variety of partners. I'm 5' 7", normal build, not strong at all, can't dent a pillow with my punch, not a bad looking guy but nothing special. I'm pretty polite and generous, though.
Moreover, I'd show up for first dates in my normal outfit of Levis, black t-shirt, Nikes and a Mets cap. I'd also make no secret of anything I thought would be a turn-off: I admitted to being a highly functional addict from a family of highly functional addicts; I explained what I did for a living -- professional gambler and founding partner of a couple of off-shore hedge funds -- explained that I was very neurotic and saw a shrink twice a week and was a depressive. I also made it clear I was separated from my ex with neither desire to rekindle the marriage nor marry again.
But I tend to kindness and boldness and I love a good laugh at absurd stuff and have no inhibitions whatsoever.
And that was the secret. I created a dating environment that made women feel they could be themselves because they knew I wouldn't judge them for any reason nor did I have any sort of checklist for height, weight, skin color, hair color, career trajectory or lack thereof. Of course, it didn't hurt that I was well educated and had some money but I made it clear that though I'd be generous and present myself in mostly a cultured way, I had no interest in ever being brought home to meet the parents. I also wasn't shy about discussing religion or politics.
In other words, I did the OPPOSITE of everything you are supposed to do in dating. I just led with my flaws and a sense of humor and cheer and waited to see how it unspooled. And I made sure to have the first date in a nice restaurant near a card club so if it wasn't going anywhere, I'd not wasted the evening.
I had my share of dates who thought I was Satan himself, but my share of dates that were rejecting taller, handsomer, more together men than me. And these women were inviting me to spend the night at their places.
I don't recommend this strategy particularly to all American men!
It worked for me because I had no expectations. I truly didn't give a crap. I only wanted the woman to have some interesting aspect to her: brains, beauty, sense of humor, kindness, ambition, whatever; she didn't have to be perfect -- I wanted to be interested in her conversation and vice versa. Or nice to look at but without a lot of airs and pretensions.
But, now, off-shore, that's no longer a strategy. I'm just myself and women I meet are theirselves and it works or it doesn't but everybody's looking for something, only not perfection.
The best is always the enemy of the better.
Kelso,
I loved your comments. It speaks to a level of confidence that few ever get to. I love leading with your flaws. I love not having any expectations. And I love kindness and boldness in the same sentence.
And I especially like that you are not interested in how someone looks, but that for you engaging intelligent conversation is key and attractive...me too. It has always been for me. Just finding that right combination of kindness and boldness.
Thank you for sharing.
I agree with Steve B and Rich.
I lost a bestfriend because he got caught up. So caught up he now has a child he did not want, lives with a woman who he now "sees" her real sides and lost a job. He does not call me anymore or any of his buddies. I hear stuff through others about him. He is a wreck over a pretty face and some good sex. *sigh*
Shai,
Apparently it is still good to him if he is still in that relationship. Everyone has to find their own way to happiness. For some it takes a bit longer and a few more life lessons.
Hey Sistah Lovebabz...Very well written!!
Well I guess I fall within that character as well. I have standards but I am not too extreme. He has to be tall, but most of all he needs to have a very big heart. No, I dont like thuggish men at all ( I dont have time to raise no one else's child) I dont like big guys so therefore I dont want a man that looks like a football player. Him soft.....I love soft men, I kinda like being the boss ;)
But here's the problem as to why I cant keep a relationship....no one knows how to be faithful!!
Hey Keisha,
Thank you!
Hey Kin'Shar,
You listed physical attributes before you mentioned character traits. (smile)
Being faithful requires maturity.
Look at character traits first...good looks will follow.
LB, some folks stay in relationships even when they know it is not good.
Guilty as charged. Being 5' 9", height of 6 ft is a requirement. In heels, I have no desire to look down on my man. Now for the rest of the physical attributes, I've not expressed a standard, but subconsciously I must have one. There have been physical similarities in the men I have spent time with.
Being that I have been in the same relationship for 14 years, been out of the "market" since the early 90's, if I was shopping today, my choices may be much different. Age makes you wiser.
Hey Sista GP,
For some age makes us wiser! I know it has for me! I am not so sure I have a type. I like a lot of different things in a man. Physical stature is not important. Prior to being married for 12 years, I dated all types of men, big, small, skinny, fat. I liked them all for various reasons.
Now I am thinking very differently. I am looking for kindness and whatever shape that arrives will be fine with me.
I stand corrected, lol!
For some age makes us wiser!
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