Yesterday's post sparked today's post! I have several sound conversations with people I really like yesterday. About intimacy and relationships and what I need in my life. The most amazing thing was the post from my Blog Sister The Bear Maiden :see, the problem is that when you have a life and kids you can't just go "out there" and it pisses me off when people say you should. "You need a booty call" but I don't think people like us are meant for "booty calls". We nurture, we care, we create safe spaces. That's what we do. And I don't know how to turn that off, nor do I particularly want to. So I can't say I agree with your brother.
On top of that I had a long conversation with That Johnson Boy Said What? in that conversation I said I was an intimacy phobe. But really I am not. What I am is fearful about being intimate and vulnerable and then having it be used as a whipping stick against me---like in my marriage. Yes I said FEARFUL! There are still some fear left in me, albeit not much! This notion of intimacy and vulnerability is perhaps my last area of improvement that I was not willing to open up to or own. I am throwing open the curtains and letting the light in on this. No sense being afraid of the dark.
My Blog Brother Xavier is constantly reminding me that I have a Love List. He says: "Ahh Love, you have a Love List refer to it" OK. He is so right.
So I have decided that I am just going to have more fun, continue to enjoy my life, seek out friendships that nurture and enhance my big life. I am going to love full throttle! I am taking my time. I am enjoying the ride. I am being still and letting the universe create for me the right mate. There is no rush. As the light streams in, I will allow the beauty that is in me to grow and grow and grow.
Happy Birthday #54 to ME!
10 months ago
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21 comments:
We're gonna START thangs up on the 20th of this month in a BIG way...but enjoy the li'l thangs along the way, too. I know it can get rough to focus on the blessings when the desires are SCREAMING in your head!!
can't wait 'til the 20th!!
I am SSOOOOOOO READY to HANG OUT with you!
I got quality childcare arranged. I have the blessings of my peeps, my money is right!
I am just trying to figure out just how FLY I want to look!
This is the begining of a delcious friendship and partnership!
The 20th is NYC, August the Vineyard!
Do you Lovebabz, everything else will fall in place, this i am sure!Can't be with you and Cap in NYC, but i know you are coming to the A. so we will meet up then!
MizR,
I am going to DO ME! I think sex will happen. But in teh meantime I am going to get out there and kick it up a notch or two!
Oh yes I will see you in the A! I am looking forward to hanging out with you!
Take your time. Love yourself. The ones I cared for the most were found when I was NOT looking. They found me.
Sister GP,
Sage advice indeed! Thank you.
I am taking my time. I think I am enjoying this new sense of freedom and independence. I am thinking about all sorts of possibilities that I did not have the luxury of thinking about before!
Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! ; )
This is a very honest post.. I didnt read the post that preceded this but I read enough to share. That FEAR you talk about- the tone of the word had an impact to this post. I'm some years younger than you, but I feel you can use that fear to your benefit. It sounds like it's that somethin you can fall victim to and dont want to. A great way to conquer fear of intamacy is to love whole-heartedly. Picture being down in a basketball game-Say like the Lakers lol, you put on the full court press to sustain the lead back.
Babz your one of the very few peepz I know of whom I honestly believe (not necessarily fearless) but can conquer anything. Confidence seems to seap out of your pores. Attack intamacy with all you got because your efforts will be self rewarding and the ills will decimate in being that you gave your best effort for you.
Walk with Him love and , there's no wrong corner to turn.. Get at me Babz -Q.
Hey Anali,
Yes indeed!
Hey Q,
How nice to hear from! I do so appreciate your very thoughtful words. YOu are right, this time in my life calls for a full court press. I am up for it!
I will come by...is there a new post up!
It is so good to hear from you ...truly!
I agree with you when you talk about fear...I feel the same way...I am slowly realizing that I have to get out there (taking baby steps)...and that's risky at best. Have Fun and enjoy yourself!
Hey Danie,
Sister, I was all worked up in how I looked, how fast could I lose weight, if I did this thing other thing to my hair. Then I realized. Whomever digs me, will dig me...current packaging and all.
So here comes the fun!
LOVEBABZ: In love, like, sexual friendships, soulmates, whatever, two old cliches seem right to me
"A watched pot never boils"
"Scared money never wins"
Do your thing your way. Enjoy yourself. Don't put any pressure at all on yourself. Man, living outside of the states, I cannot believe how different the social life is. So much more relaxed. All of this dating anxiety there is in the states just is not part of the social scene in Panama or Colombia. There's no "third date" rule. Or all this pressure.
People hook up or they don't or whatever. Just the rhythm of the thing is different. A bit more organic.
And women are just so much less neurotic about the food. Everybody is. And all this mania about exercise and going to the gym and planning to live to 250 in the states...it's all irrelevant here. People pretty much eat what they want. Not unusual at all for a young woman to eat an appetizer, a steak, some side dishes, a dessert and have drinks. And everybody's small.
There is one factor I think that's different institutinally. We use sugar here in soda and sweets. In the USA everything is made with high fructose corn syrup which has like 3x the calories.
Kelso,
I hear you...and I am on the enxt plan when I get my passport back!
But in the meantime, have you looked a woman who was a bit fuller, a bit plump, fat. See everyone is politically correct, but the reality is the pressure women feel in America. YOu won't know I have a fine mind unless you get past my tits and ass...such that they are. You won't know how accomplished I am if you are looking for just a flat tummy, trim thighs and high firm breasts.
You are noble Kelso, but would you notice me if I walked into the cantina. I woud say yes, because my spirit is big...but would you want to fuck me and talk with me about the world and such? See that is the crux of the matter. I am so much more than a pretty face packaged in a full-figured body.
Nothing in Western civilization says "I value you" and you know it.
(sigh)
LOVEBABZ: Everybody's just going to have to deal with what I'm about to write. Accept it. Don't accept it. It is true. I'm not going to violate anyone's privacy but if I get any bullshit, I'm going to hit back. Again.
LOVE, the answer is "absolutely." My first wife was a model. I've had sex with a woman whose name appears in the tabloids every now and then. I am neither thin nor fat. I don't work out but I don't have a gut. I'm not a bad looking guy. I look like the actor Robert Downey Jr but with a darker complexion and less hair. So, I elimatate the middleman and shave my head.
I have had a RELATIONSHIP with a woman who outweighed me by 50 lbs and had a huge ass. We had a great time together and I never gave the weight thing a second thought. She was by far the most inventive lover I've ever been with and she kicked me around at Scrabble and could take a few hands off me at gin (which is very hard--I play to Schoenfeld Level B). We liked the same books and movies. It was lovely while it lasted. She broke up with me. She's a suburban divorcee who has a bit of a bad boy fetish, so I gave her a NYC underworld theme park experience but when she realized that I LIVED that way and it wasn't a PHASE and I worked all the time and partied heavily and slept when I could fit it in, she realized that she couldn't show me to her family and knew I'd never want to live in the North Jersey suburbs. That was that.
You think inviting Russian guys from Queens out to her house in Jersey to smoke rock and listen to the Mets overnight show on WFAN might have been a mistake? LOL
But I promise you I was never ashamed that she was fat. I happily went around all sorts of places with her.
My Dearest Kelso,
I appreciate you...on so many levels. I can't even argue back.
I susepct there is a man who will like me regardless of the extra girth...LOL! Who won't mind a 5"8 amazon woman with thick thighs and a round, full tummy.
You are good for my ego! I am not a mush you know. I am just trying to feel my way through.
LOVEBABZ: Beauty and sexiness are in eyes and privates of him or her what sees and feels.
My father is an extraordinarily handsome man. His sister (RIP) was gorgeous. She looked like Madonna if Madonna were 5'6" 120 lbs with a dark complexion, black hair and could look gorgeous with a little lipstick and that's it.
My mother is not an ugly woman by any means. She's 80 and has had no end of health problems but could pass for 60. She had scarlet fever as a young girl and lost all her hair. She's also 5 years older than he is. Again, perfectly nice looking woman but to see my father one would assume he'd be tomcatting looking for knockout broads. They've been married 48 years and he has never cheated on her. Again, believe it or don't believe it. He's far from a saint in a lot of ways. Just not that way.
What they have is special and it's theirs. They still do the corny lovebird thing and they still manage to fuck a couple of times a week.
My father for his greatness and ills is a very secure man. What he did with his life between 19 and 30 was nothing short of remarkable. He met my mom. Fell in love with her knew she was perfect for him. Game, set and match.
I'm not going to lie and say that men aren't devils. We are. I hardly had my father's perfect record in the fidelity department. But only a true dildo with no class or game NEEDS arm candy instead of someone whose company he enjoys.
What a charming story about your parents!
I appreciate your words and I am taking them to heart. I am in no rush...although it may seem like it in the absence of sexual intecourse (sigh) but really I am doing ME. I am spending time with ME.
I suspect I will happen upon Mr. Grounded Grown Man soon enough! LOL!
Thanks for stepping into the Big Brother role!
Have you been over to T's there's a serious war of words and differing ideologies going...YIKES!
NUTMEG (that's a cute nickname for you, I think, based upon geography):
I have not been over there. I have a lot of work staring me in the face.
I put up a post today on my gaff. I commented on all of my teammates' stuff and I'm procrastinating on this work by having this nice apolitical conversation.
When work's involved, I'm serious as an ulcer. About the last thing I want to do right now is get into politial blog warfare.
Kelso,
Nutmeg? YIKES...Yeah that is a CT thing.. CT is the nutmeg state! OK if you think it's cute I can live with it! LOL!
If you are working...then stay the fuck away from the political firestorm over at T's...although you and I both know you can knock that fool out of the park..so can Torrance, he just loves the hunt! Slapz is being his usual self. AJ has been holding it down all day, but I think she has had enough of the narrow-minded racism. T on the other hand never tires of trying to change a fucked up mind...LOL!
I have not thrown my hat into that ring. Unlike Torrance I am not in the convincing business, nor am I interested in converting, or getting repect from these narrow-ass folks.
I'm the expert at putting a muzzle and leash on slappz. You remember the first time he came by as "coleman" which i thought was a fucked up thing to do in the first place and i gave it to him...told him to cut the racist shit and mind his manners because i liked it there and didn't want anyone poisoning the vibe...got a guy here that wants to try me at gin and i still have this work to do...i catch ya on the flipside
Do I ever feel you!
You are making it happen and allowing doors to be open that would have otherwise been shut, if your mindset was different.
Be blessed!
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