Monday, June 9, 2008


Friday afternoon my Brother and I were chatting as I was prepping for the cook-out on Saturday. The conversation went like this:
Bob-O: So when was the last time you were out getting your swerve on?
Me: You talking to me...laughing.
Bob-O: You need to get out. You need to go on a date. You need to get laid!
Me: Shut-up.
Bob-O: I am just saying you need to get a life.
Me: Negro I have a life and a pretty damn good one. I have this, that and the other thing going on and I am busy and I am doing, and I am....
Bob-O: You need a life that includes dating, sex and more sex.

Saturday Night the cook-out is in full swing. My Brother chimes in again with this You need a life shit, but only this time he has an audience, my Brother Mikie, his wife Bev, and my Sister-friends JB and RG, my Soror.

Bob-O: She needs to get out, leave these children and go have some real fun!
Mikie: Sis, we can take the kids, go on go somewhere!
Bev: Whip out that black book and make a few need a booty-call(s)!
JB: Sleeping in that big bed every night can be sad. It is sad. I understand it. I have been there.
RG: You need to get out there. You are an amazing woman. Someone is in need of an amazing woman.

So what does out there mean? The only black book I have is my day planner filled with immunization dates, upcoming Drs. appointments and days when school is out. I have been out of the dating world for 12 almost 13 years. I have not seen another naked man in all that time, nor has one seen me! I am not afraid to date. I just don't know who I would date? I mean my tolerance for foolishness is very very low. I can't imagine playing silly games and being coy. Flirting I can do, witty repartee I can do. But chasing men, dumbing down for men...awww NO. I will even wear stilettos occasionally...even I think stilettos are sexy...occasionally.

Yesterday, talking with my Sister-friend JB as we were recapping my Brother's stand-up routine about me. I realized that what he said hurt my feelings. Not in a mean way, but in a sad way. Sad because he is right. I am so busy creating this solid life for my children and their well-being, that I am neglecting my own well being. Yes, I am walking in my truths and I learning to love more fully. But what does that mean in the absence of application of these life lessons. Hhhmmm.

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
66. Try every position in the Karma Sutra.
67. Change a tire.
68. Grow heirloom tomatoes.
69. Go on a date(s).


Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Once again our lives are running parallel, I had that exact same conversation with a friend. For me it has been 10 years and it is hard to "get back out there". I also struggle with the meaning behind those words.

Maybe we can both start with just hanging out with friends at various places that does not include each other's houses? Treat yourself to a grown-up movie, go window shopping, or simply take a day for yourself (I call them "me days") and do whatever tickles your fancy.

I am going to check on you to make sure you follow through ;)

professor said...

OMG...I just wrote the same thing at the end of todays post...

why must we be pseudo-porn actresses to get/keep a man...I too have been dateless/manless for about 12 years, and I too have a wonderful life...why can't we find someone who appreciates that...

BTW this is my first time reading your blog although I read your comments on other pages...I will visit you more often...

CapCity said...

GURRRL, when u find out the key to getting your swerve on - PLEASE share that secret! LOL! I've been "out here" too daYUMMM long & am ready to come in from dis cold, hard, World!

Lovebabz said...

Hello Kay,
Yes you are right. I can cetainly do those things. I did those things while I was married. You, my Brother, My Sister-friends all will be checking on me. Oh the pressure!

Welcome Professor!
hhmm I am not against being a pseudo porn-actress in a mutually exclusive relationship, but don't try to make me into that all the time! As if I have no other attributes. Sex is delicious, however we cannot stay in the bed all day everyday. I have to be desired for more than sexual expressions.

I am just trying to figure this thing out and move forward accordingly. I am not going another year without sex. I am not!

Aunt Jackie said...

As a single woman who has been single most of my adult life (but for a few tries at coupling) I think dating is and can be fun when we allow ourselves to just enjoy the experience.

Start by dating yourself.

Slip on your sexy panties, put your perfume on in your most desirable places, and go some place with a secret on your lips and in your hips.

Expand your life into a sensual affair when you have the time, a bubble bath here, a little cleavage there and that sensual you will become more and more evident.

I think that's a way to look at getting back into dating game that doesn't include going on a man hunt.

Cats don't chase the dog:-)

Lovebabz said...

Aahh Aunt Jackie,
Very wise advice indeed! Thank you. And your right Cats do not chase dogs! LOL!

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

family is the shit

Torrance Stephens bka All-Mi-T said...

ps - u and the professor are scarying me LOL

Lovebabz said...

Yes family is the shit! And I am blessed with an amazing one!

And why would you be scared? I thought nothing scared you! LOL!

KELSO'S NUTS said...


Just my opinion but the last person who should be criticizing you is you. No shortage of people out there who'll take chunk out of you, mind, body and spirit.

All I know is I've had enough sex for two lifetimes but I don't get my boy enough. August. Most of December. And we fight about the other school vacations.

I totally suspend my life when he's here and spend every minute with him. That's easy when you're time is finite with them. But I confess to being jealous.

Don't know if you followed the little tiff over Aunt's gaff but I have to admit it's a hard life doing the sports betting, the club business, playing cash poker, negotiating my way out of two other residual deals, planning a new venture here, opening a night club, spending time with my girlfriend AND BEING BOTH AN EGOTISTICAL RETARD WHO'S TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE I'LL NEVER MEET THAT I'M A GENIUS, PLUS BEING AN UNDERCOVER FEDERAL AGENT DEDICATED TO OPPRESSING BLACK AMERICANS, WHILE FINDING CHRISTIAN CHILDREN TO KILL TO MAKE MATZOH!

I live in the Jewish and Muslim section of the city. Very hard to find those christian children. And keep those knives sharp. Good thing it's not Passover!

It all wearies a man, I tell ya.

Mizrepresent said...

Your brother is right, its time to get back out there. I however understand the hesitancy, it ain't easy at all. But it can and will be a work in progress, one that you can enjoy along the way. I've recently started dating (i guess that's what you call it, lol) anyways going on dates, and there have been good and there have been bad, but i'm not giving up. I am going to enjoy this life, whether i am single or hooked up, each an every day!

Lovebabz said...

Hey Kelso,
Yes indeed spending time with our children is divine! I feel you on the weariness. I am feeling it these days as I climb into my king-sized bed with high thread count sheets, tons of pillows and other linen appointments. It is a lonely existence in the midnight hour when there are no arms to go about you. I want to turn over and see my beloved on the pillow next to me. Is this really too much to ask for? Yes of course there are so many things inthe world that need my attention. And I happily give it. But in those small moments, when the moon is whispering and the stars are bright...I want.

Oh and I live in a very Jewish and very African American neighborhood...affluence is like a trophy here...LOL!

And yes I have been following the heated discussion over at Auntie's! Woo whoo! Nobody holds it down like you K!

It is doubly hard not to focus on the lack. Not focus on what I do NOT have. Because really I have a lot. The dating thing will resolve itself. Right? LOL! I mean there has to be sex after divorce...right? OMG please say YES! I am getting out there! I swear it!

Aunt Jackie said...

if kelso could just agree on being smart i'd be satisfied:-)

Lovebabz said...

Aunt Jackie,
He and Torrance are the same. They both refuse to accept the fact that they are smart! Smarter than everyone else. That's not ego just fact. Torrance takes great offense at being called smart. I suspect Kelso is the same way.

They do not see the value in that. So we call them out and try to get them to yield...or atleast say yes I am kinda smart (smile)

Angie-Nuvision said...

"I am not going another year without sex." Babz

I hear ya, chick!
I've made the same declaration. LOL!
Let's see what I can do to achieve my goal. I'm working on it. **smile**

Rich said...

These posts cause me conflict because the Christian thing to do is abstain, but I know if I were single, it would be oh so hard to walk that line. You have to do what you can live with regardless of what anyone else says.

Aunt Jackie said...

truer words have not been spoken. I jock minds on a regular and try to find and surround myself with smart men at all times...i mean hell I'm a college drop out who has been writing the great american love story for 3 years...what do i know!


KELSO'S NUTS said...

AUNT JACKIE: You're right. I can't do it. And I'm absolutely, positively NOT "smarter than anyone else." I explained that already. I have a cognitive thing called synesthesia and my parents kicked my ass about working hard in school and keeping my grades up and most importantly creating an atmosphere of learning in the house like with board games and books and stuff.

They knew that with the family predilection for drugs, and all of the temptations that come with growing up in a shitty neighborhood, and with all the family history, they had to take care of THAT at least and they did a great job.

They're my heroes. A whole lot of the worst stuff they even hid from me until after I got my BA. I have barely scratched the surface of shit my family was in and shit I was in.

I think that now that BLAH BLAH BLAH has a better sense of who I am and that I have no desire to get the overs on her intellectually and that I well know that there's a class divide between us I can never cross upwardly, we'll be friends. I'll say this, reading what she wrote was a very emotional experience for me.

But I hope she'll understand this part. Yes, AJ, I do indentify a lot with Torrance. I love to read as much as I can about things, start new projects, pester people who are really good at something to teach me. I won't say that I'm smart, but I was a jam-up student in all my schools. I liked the classes and I was super competitive.

I get very jazzed-up by Torrance's writing and his themes and I like to respond. He's crazier than I am about taking on every new challenge that comes his way and mastering new disciplines.

I feel like his gaff was a safe space to be inspired by sophisticated and ecletic thoughts and let it fly. AJ's an amazing thinker and has also inspired me to take a new look at concepts, but it's a different gaff and a differnt way of approaching things. Foolish of me to expect that because of the crossover, regulars would react the same.

No yielding on the "smart" thing! It makes me uncomfortable.

Now, as far as that other lady is concerned, I'm going to need some help understanding. Did she think I had made up that story about the paper on current account balances and was showing off in some way? Kind of a freaky obscure thing to make up, no? Or did she and her husband work out some connection to my being White, having written the paper for the WB/IMF conference, and that they just didn't like my way, and that was proof that I was a federal agent or in a Jewish consipiracy to oppress Black people or what.

I'm not angry anymore, I just am baffled. I can't PROVE to them that I'M NOT AN AGENT OF THE ARYAN NATIONS LET ALONE A FED OR A SINISTER JEW WHO HATES BLACK PEOPLE.

They are just going to have to take their best guess about all of it and bite down hard. One thing is for sure. They are not welcome in my home. On my phone. Or on my site. But I live 6000 miles away from the US. I'm trusting Torrance and Lovebabz and Aunt Jackie to keep my details private. And I'll just scrub any of that unpleasant stuff off any part of my site. So, that's over. If she wants to write to me "hey I got a little ahead of myself and was in a bad mood," I'll say "great, it never happened. We're friends."

Very, very interesting flames on me. In one I'm the oppressed, in the other, the oppressor!

Lovebabz said...

Hi Angie-nuvison!
I mean it! Now HOW to accomplish it is a whole other thing...LOL!

Hello and how was the ATL? I know you had a fab time! Yes, it always comes back to doing what works for me. And you know I will work it out.

Aunt Jackie,
YOu know a great deal...false modesty does not suit you...(smile)

Hhhmm, AJ and I are holding fast to our perspectives. I hear you loud and clear. To go any further on this will perhaps be a bit insulting to you and I do not want to be that to you. I dig the way you come at things and I love the way Torrance comes at things. AJ and I are paying you a compliment. We find your swagger refreshing. That's it.

The Bear Maiden said...

I dunno. I was dateless/manless and quite happy with it for 5 years. Then I went "out there".

see, the problem is that when you have a life and kids you can't just go "out there" and it pisses me off when people say you should. "You need a booty call" but I don't think people like us are meant for "booty calls". We nurture, we care, we create safe spaces. That's what we do. And I don't know how to turn that off, nor do I particularly want to. So I can't say I agree with your brother. And it's hard to meet people. And it's harder to meet people at our age with out baggage (and by baggage I don't mean kids... I mean, drama, "isms", etc). And it's even HARDER to meet people who do have baggage but know how to keep track of their baggage.

So I don't know what to tell you. Me... I'm kinda back to swinging by my lonesome again cuz it's just much much easier. My heart gets broke every time and I'm done with that.

Kelso, people calling you "smart" is their way of acknowledging and admiring that your brain fires on different cylinders. Doesn't mean ours doesn't fire just as hard or fast... but different firing systems provide different types of heat/energy, kwim? Lighten up :). I have a freind who explained the way his brain worked, how he could retrieve every thing he's ever read or experienced by looking at the grid on the inside of his brain. He's "smart" and a great computer programmer... but he still can't do what I do... so who's "smarter"?

The Pew View said...

Baby take it from me 6 extra husbands after the first 1 can be just as lonely and unsatisfying as being alone. I had a hungry appettie for loving and I wanted to do it the Christian way but getting married to have sex aint always wise. Matterfact it was my 2nd late husband who laid it down the best. Wish I could've met him first & he lived longer but oh well that wasn't my life story. I still praise God cause I got 13 childrens out of 7 marriages and several creeps on the side. Anyway just be patient maybe you'll end up with a Leroy Lee too. But beware he was a ugly thang but a good man who could sho nuff do the do. Take Care Now.

Ruthie Ann

Lovebabz said...

Dear Bear Maiden,

I think you are right!
"see, the problem is that when you have a life and kids you can't just go "out there" and it pisses me off when people say you should. "You need a booty call" but I don't think people like us are meant for "booty calls". We nurture, we care, we create safe spaces. That's what we do. And I don't know how to turn that off, nor do I particularly want to"

I love this! This is true!

Lovebabz said...

Miss Ruthie Ann,
Thank you kindly for the sage advice. I hope to be as lucky as you!

sista gp said...

Brotherly love is cool...sometimes I wished I was emotionally closer to my brothers. At one point in the ATL we lived 30 minutes to an hour's drive from each other, but would only see each when we came home to visit our parents.
If anyone of us were in need then we were "there", otherwise nada.

What stopped my wishful thinking was the assuredness that if we spent more time together, we would not be able to stand each other now. We all are drastically different.

I believe in "be careful of what you wish for, you might just get it".

Lovebabz said...

Sister GP,

I am extremely close to my Brothers and Sister. I can not imagine talking them several times a day every day! My Sister lives about 3 hours away, but I talk to her evryday several times a day. I couldn't imagine not doing that with them.

My Brother means well. I have been through so much for a long time that he just wants me to be happier and loved more than I already am by them!

Danie said...

It's my first time at your site and I can't agree with you more...It's hard to put away the mommy hat and nurture ourselves (however u may need to...).

I'm hoping there is dating after divorce...maybe even love down the road but right now...I try to take time for myself...whenever the kids are away with their dad whether it be with friends, or just alone...I need to recharge...

Great Post! I'll be checking you out again.

Lovebabz said...

Welcome Dani!
I am just trying to carve out a grand life for myself.

Do come back are always welcomed here!