MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL...

I believe most would say I have high self-esteem. I would even say that I have high self-esteem...on some days, maybe even most days. Just not yesterday or today even, although, it's not even daybreak...(sigh).

Having high self esteem is not about someone telling you "You look great!" "You are amazing" "Look what you have accomplished" "You are so strong". It truly doesn't matter what anyone thinks, if you, yourself do not believe it or feel it or live it. So when I am feeling like this, my first instinct is to do something. Change something, because surely there is something wrong that I must make right. Surely I must not be good enough as is. Ahhh therein lies my problem, not being good enough AS IS.

So I am standing in the mirror, naked, looking at myself, trying to look beyond the body and all the physical imperfections. Seeing everything that is wrong with this body, with this life. All I see is what I am not. And what I am not seems to loom larger and larger over my day and the day is just getting started. Oh defeat is settling in before I even get out of the gate. It starts with the whispering of you can't, you won't, you shouldn't. It gets louder and louder until I am in full break down mode. Paralyzed with fear and mistrusting decisions I made weeks ago, second guessing choices and rethinking future plans. It's like falling down a well with nothing to grab onto. It is the sense of loneliness in a crowded room where you feel like you do not belong.

This feeling of not being good enough is isolating. I can withdraw from the world and cocoon. I can dim my lights so low that I become almost invisible, which for the most part does not suit me. However, I can already feel myself retreating. The weight of my life is quite overwhelming and if I don't be still then it will for sure break me.

The upside of this is that I am nothing if not resilient. Retreating often times is my jump-start to refocus and recharge. It is the time I need to count the blessings.

Mirror mirror on the wall...what the fuck?

I'll be back.

OK YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE....

It took me a bit to figure out this whole notion of subscribing to blogs and blog posts. I have been asked time and time again to set up some type of subscription thing. I tried in the past but just couldn't figure it out. Yes I know, I am not just another pretty face...I have brains too! OK maybe not!

Anyway, look to the right of your screen and VIOLA! you can subscribe to Lovebabz: A Life in Transition!

Now I know no one will subscribe because I just put up the subscription button LOL! because that's how things always work out! LOL! Seriously. I am learning the blog technical thing...slowly.

Enjoying my Sunday. It is after all Jazz Sunday.

EROTIC POSTS OVER AT PCHATS

Capcity and I launched a new site...The Pussy Chats or for those of you with sensitive ears and tongues the PChats

Now PChats is strictly in celebration of all things PUSSY! We are celebrating, praising and admiring women and anyone and everyone who love women.

Now I know this may be a bit much for the masses, but those who may be curious ought to come over and lurk, check us out. It is a lot of fun for me and a totally different vibe. Oh and there is a killer playlist! I mean just set it there as you do your housework...OOOH it is HOT! We are rocking everything from Tom Jones, "She's A Lady" to Annie Lennox "Cold", Aretha Franklin "Call Me", Cher "Take Me Home"The Temptations "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" Nancy Wilson "The Best Is Yet To Come" Yeah it is a killer playlist...all celebrating the power of the "P"

I posted my first erotic attempt. The Mundane is Sexy...
Hey, I need to release all this energy in some way...and this is safe!

Drop in, post if you like or just lurk. Enjoy!

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY:GETTING BEYOND BETRAYAL

My ex-husband used to say to me all the time, "You can't use yourself as a measuring tool for other people---you always want to see the good--people will hurt you and keep walking" As I think about this and all the shit he has pulled I guess he is proven right. I just did not expect the person closest to me to plunge the knife the deepest.

Things are what they are. I do not have to do anything except be me as I operate from a place of love. I do not have to fight malice with malice. I do not have to walk the earth as a wounded ex-wife. He left. I do not need to hold onto that. I am no one's victim. I am not even hating him. Being angry with him does nothing for my spirit. I am not being anything other than a woman on her path to joy, peace and love.

It is tricky separating out feelings from victimization. It is easy to wallow in he did this to me, when really my focus is what I do with my life is my call. Getting to that mindset is quite liberating. Freeing me in ways that I never thought I could be. I am so far from him that it is almost like being on Mount Kilimanjaro looking back and seeing him still putting on his climbing shoes as I reach the summit.

I was wounded by him the other day. It hurt a lot. I allowed his knife to nip at my heart because I was seeing him still with the eyes of old and not the eyes of now. Oh I am so focused now. I see him. But most importantly I see me. I realized that I do not have to dance with him anymore. He can play off his script from now until the cows come home. It has no bearing on me. I was trying to be the bridge between him and our children. But I come to realize that is not my role. I do not have to remind him of being a parent. I do not have to remind him or shame him into seeing them regularly. I am done. He will have the kind of relationship he creates with them. I will not impede or sugar coat, facilitate or make excuses for whatever he creates with them. All I can do is what I do.

I am getting beyond betrayal. I have. I look forward to the divorce. I look forward to all the possibilities the world has to offer. Yesterday was painful, today is joyous.

ATTRACTION IS JUST THE APPETIZER...

I had several discussions with several different women about finding partners, lovers, mates, significant others, husbands. In those conversations what I found most striking was the emphasis on looks. He has to be tall, he has to be built like a football player, he has to be tough, he has to be a little thuggish. He can't be short, he can't be ugly, he can't be dull, he can't be too soft--meaning effeminate...sigh. Then after all that is said, then content of character, heart, kindness and common sense are a distant second...clearly a distant second. No wonder our loveships are dismal. We are focused on things that have no bearing on love. Being tall is no indication of kindness, or ability to love. Being built like a football player does not denote a gentle spirit and a commitment to world peace. All those physical attributes speak to physical attraction. And attraction is just the appetizer. Appetizer by definition is any small portion that stimulates a desire for more or that indicates more is to follow.

So I am revisiting my Love List, because I am clear about what I want in a loveship. As I said to my women friends. How ever he shows up with the qualities I deem important and necessary will be the man for me. Packaging is just that...packaging. How something is wrapped can be exciting but it gives no hint of what is inside. You know when you get that box of assorted chocolates and you have to stick you finger into each one to see if its one you will like, because no matter how yummy it looks it could taste nasty on the inside. The body just houses the spirit and it is the spirit that I am drawn to. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and beauty is fleeting and again no real indication of ability to love.

I am not better or more enlightened than the next Sister. I just know that when men go to marry women they are clear. They are not looking for the chick in the club every weekend, or the women with the biggest tits, or the roundest butt. They are looking for women that can help make a house a home. They are looking for partners and helpmates and yes a lover. But most importantly self actualized men want women who are themselves self actualized.

I am willing to wait for my beloved to arrive with my eyes wide open. I am prepared to see him as he is and who is. I am not interested in changing anyone, I am not interested in potential, I am not interested in past successes or losses. I am engaged in the here and now. The appetizer is delicious, but I much prefer the full course...dessert included!

LIKE ROCK STARS BABY!...

I am still RECOVERING from the weekend! Capcity is AMAZING! Eb, The Celeb is not only energetic and beautiful, but smart as as hell! Capcity's Friends were the BEST! The photos tell a better story! From Harlem to SOHO, we owned NYC last weekend! Oh and I need to mention a fine Puerto Rican Man who was trying to rock my world...oh if only I had more time! Hola Mi Amigo!

Yes, Capcity and I...are WICKED! Oh and yes I cut all my hair off!

It was pleasure meeting the very Tall and talented Organized Noise the poetry reading was FAB! The view overlooking the hudson was PRICELESS! I met the very lovely Blah Blah Blah and a few other writers and poets and very cool folks! I was in my element.

It was a triumphant return to NYC! Thank you Capcity, you know what the weekend truly meant to me and for me!

I AM IN A NEW YORK STATE OF MIND...

I am hanging in the Big Apple all weekend! I am hanging with my Blog-Sister Capcity. I haven't hung out in New York since the Shark Bar was the happening spot...YIKES! The Blue Note is still cool and the Iridium moved. So it will be good to go back and stomp the ground...HARD!

Yep we will be tripping the light fantastic! On and On till the break of dawn! Oh and I may read some of my birthday poetry at Organized Noise Night of Spoken Word:
Liquid Lyrics: Words Over Manhattan -- An intimate night of poetry and spoken word. Saturday, June 21, 2008 7-10pm. Rio Gallery II 583 Riverside Drive (135th Street) - 7th Floor, Harlem, New York 10031. Admission - $10

YES DR. CHANG...

Dr. Chang: Your arms are OK, your legs are very good. You are carrying too much weight in your belly and thighs. That's where the over weight is. Do something.

Me: So Dr. Chang I am getting divorced and I may have sex someday with someone else, what is new on the birth control front?

Dr. Chang: pregnancy will not be your problem, you are infertile. Even if you did beat the 2% chance you couldn't carry a fetus anyway. You need to be concerned about disease. CONDOMS and not those silly condoms for women. Why are you getting divorced...who wanted it?

Me: Dr.Chang, he left and he filed. I do not have any real explanation.

Dr. Chang: You are young and attractive, you will meet someone more suited to you. Do not lock yourself away. You are young. He is probably going through a mid-life crisis. He will never find anyone more interesting than you. You need to have a vaginal ultrasound. I want to make sure there are no tumors growing back. I told you that back in the Fall.

Me: Dr. Chang I was focused on other things...as you know I had to retire to the country for 29 days. When do you think I will menopause?

Dr. Chang: laughing, oh that is cute. You should write a book. Your life is amazing. OK get dressed. See you soon and take care! And do think about losing some more weight. You have about 15-20 years before menopause starts...sorry. Let me know if your period starts spotting in between cycles. We will see what we need to do next. OK now.

Yep, I need Mary J Blige today! Work that.

WORK THAT...MARY J. BLIGE

I am feeling this today...



Work your thing out (out, out) [x4]

Cause so many you girls I hear you been running
From the beautiful queen that you can be becommin
You can look in my palm and see the storm coming
Read the book of my life and see of overcomming
Just because the length of your hair ain't long
And they often criticize you for your skin tone
Wanna hold your head high cause you a pretty woman
Get your front way stride home and keep it going
Girl, live your life

I just wanna be myself
Don't sweat girl be yourself
Follow me, follow me, follow me
Girl be yourself
Guess what I'll be myself
(And I grew to love it)

(Work your thing out...)
Let em get mad
They're gonna hate any weight
Don't you get that
Doesn't matter if you go along with their plan
They'll never be happy
Cause they're not happy with themselves

(I am. work what you got...)
I'm talking about things that I know
(I am. work what you got...)
It's okay show yourself some love
(I am. work what you got...)
Don't worry about who's saying what
(It's gonna be fine work what you got)
Work what you got

Feeling great because the light's on me
Celebrating the things that everyone told me Would never happen but
God has put his hands on me
And ain't a man alive could ever take it from me
Workin with what I got I gotta
Keep on taking care of myself
I wanna live long
Ain't never ashamed what life did to me
Wasn't afraid to change
Cause it was good for me

I wanna
(I just wanna be myself)
I just wanna be
(don't sweat girl be yourself)
Don't sweat girl
(Follow me, follow me, follow me I be myself)
Follow me follow me
(Guess what I'll be myself)
(And I grew to love it)

(Work your thing out)
Let em get mad
They gonna hate any weight
Don't you get that
Doesn't matter if you go along with their plan
They'll never be happy
Cause thier not happy with themselves

(I am. work what you got...)
I'm talking about things that I know
(I am. work what you got...)
It's okay show yourself some love
(I am. Work what you got)
Don't worry about who's saying what
(It's gonna be fine work what you got)
Work what you got

(Work that, work that, work that, don't' hold back just be yourself)
Work that work that
Work that work that don't hold back
Oooh
Work you head girl
(work you thing out)
Work that job girl
Work what you got

(I am. work what you got...)
I'm talking about things that I know
(I am. work what you got...)
It's okay show yourself some love
(I am. Work what you got)
Don't worry about who's saying what
(It's gonna be fine work what you got)
Work what you got

(work that work that work that don't hold back just be yourself)
Work it out work it out ladies
Work that work that
Work that work that don't hold back

(Work your thing out)
Oooh
Work what you got

R KELLY IS A CHILD MOLESTER AND PREDATOR!

My childhood abuse at the hands of my father is not a secret. I have talked about it in my role as a support group facilitator in my "Rape Crisis Services" days. I have been interviewed in the media about it. It has been brought up in my sentencing. I have blogged about it, here and at other sites.

It is no longer my secret, or my shame.

What still hurts me is the fact that at this moment as I type there are girls/children being sexually abused in secret...although nothing is ever a secret...someone knows or supsect but remains silent (sigh). What hurts me still is the fact that there isn't enough outrage over these crimes. The R Kelly shit is painful. Painful because folks were outside cheering. Folks bought the video, folks defended his behaviour.

I know what it's like to not be protected. I know what it's like to have people take advantage of you. My father raped me and then sold me to his friends and acquaintances for MONEY! I have worked hard to stand in this space as a free woman, in my right mind and loving. I have not lost my connection to humanity. I have not lost my ability to love. I have not lost my ability to know happiness. I have not lost my spirit to live and live well.

The sexual abuse of children is nasty business. It breaks your spirit, it robs you of your innocence. And for most who survive, they never are whole again. It is hard to overcome. It is hard to get past it. It is hard to accept. It is hard. I am divinely lucky. For whatever reasons, God has delivered me here. I will never forget. What I can do is live a life that is filled with love, laughter, hopes and dreams and good intentions all around. I do.

R Kelly is dangerous, as with ALL child molesters and predators of children, they do not stop. There is no cure. They will continue as long as WE are silent and turn a blind eye. He and others like him will go on and they will do more harm. They will steal and destroy the hearts and souls of children.

Here is a link to a post of a Sister-blogger Kim Pearson over at Blogher on her outrage and call to conscience with links to a petition. Check it out and raise your voice in outrage.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: THIS PERFECT MOMENT

Last year this time I was extremely stressed out. I was facing a ton of things and trying to hold on with everything I had. It is amazing now as I look back, how I was so at the end of my rope. My life had dramatically changed and I felt out of control, lost and hurt. And I had 4 little kids that needed to be taken care of. Every morning I got up I was not happy. I went to bed with death on my mind. How sad to think that I was so consumed with my pain that I was missing out on the real blessings. Luckily and divinely I came to my senses and I learned to be still.

Being still is not easy. When adversity comes our way, our first instinct is to do something...fight back. Try to change the situation with force and will. But I have found that when I go to my knees and I talk with God as my friend, God as the great listener, God as the healer, that sweeping peace comes over me. I cannot imagine being in that sort of turmoil again. If I do find my self facing trouble, I know what to do. I know to walk in truth, be still and look for the blessings hidden underneath.

Pain only last as long as you are willing to allow it to. Moving past pain can be difficult because it grips you, it strangles you and it isolates you. It takes great courage to move on from pain. I have been doing it all my life. I have been moving toward this grand life all of my life. I can see that now. I can see that all is as it should be. All the folks that I have met, all the experiences, all the joy, all the pain, all the laughter, all the tears brought me to this moment. Sitting in the right now of all possibilities. I can do anything. Last year was full of lessons, teaching that nothing lasts forever and all we have is this perfect moment right now.

YOU GOT A FRIEND...ALWAYS

Dedicated to a special someone I admire, like and love! You are blessing to my spirit, my soul, my life.



You Got A Friend...Carol King
When you're down in troubles
And you need some love and care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon i will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And I'll be there
Yes I will
You've got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend

When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: MIND POWER

What is on your mind will be reflected in your life. If you believe that you don't deserve to have a fulfilling life, you won't. If you believe love is not for you, then it won't be. If you believe that you keep choosing the wrong mate, then you will continue to do so. Creating my own reality was by far the greatest challenge for me. I just didn't get it. I just didn't understand between what was on my mind and what was happening in my life. I made a great many excuses why this thing or that thing was happening. It wasn't until I really got it (reading, meditating, prayer and conversations) that I began to see what the power of the mind could do. It took changing my mind to change my life.

The process of changing your mind is simple and hard. You have to be committed to thinking another way. You have to let go of old hurts and wounds. You have to be willing to be "naked" and you have to love yourself enough to stop all the drama. As I say to my children "It is not what others do, but what you do that matters" You have to be willing to suspend disbelief about what love is. You have to be willing to let go of those that do not have your best interest at heart and in mind. You have to surround yourself with like-minded souls. You have to keep your own counsel...trusting that you have all you need...you do. You have to be committed to having a life you believe you deserve and live and love into it.

I have changed my mind about who I want to be, how I want to live and how I want to love. My sojourn has been one of great joy and inspiration. Reflecting on one's life is healing and empowering. I can feel the power of the universe cheering me on. GOD does have a plan....even when I am in doubt and fear tries to creep in. GOD has a plan.

DEFINING INTIMACY

I have been thinking about intimacy all week. I have been looking over my history of love and the choices I have made. My teens, 20's, 30's and even 40's. I am now midway through my 40's. 45 to be exact. That is a good amount of time to ponder over. My intimacy history is full. Where I stand now is the best possible place to be. I am choosing the loveships I want to have with my circle of "True Love" friends.

Intimacy definitions:
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
3. a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.
5. an amorously familiar act; liberty.
6. sexual intercourse.
7. the quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar: the intimacy of the room.
8. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.

According to the definitions there are a great many ways to be intimate, close, personal in our lives all the time. It is not some out of reach concept, it is the everyday connections we have to loved ones. I rather like that because it underlines what I already believe about love. Love is all around. It is not arriving, it is already here. I am already in love, loved and loving! My relationships/loveships are close, personal, intimate.

There is no sense in seeking what is already before me. Being still and opening my eyes is perhaps the best exercise in counting my blessings I know. Looking for love is ridiculous. Wishing for intimacy is even more ridiculous. The truth is what is masquerading as the desire for love is really touch deprivation. I am calling things what they are. I am already loved, I already love and I believe myself to be loving. I have personal, close relationships. What is missing is the physical acts that bind us to another, connects us to another. But even in saying that I have to acknowledge that I am physically touched. My kids hug me all the time. My "True Love" friends hug me all the time. No, it is not a substitute for a lover, but it is a physical connection..very satisfying.

So I move one more step closer to my divinity. I excavate another layer of myself and in doing that I become more of who I am supposed to be.

2:41 WORTH OF MOTIVATION

I thought I would post a short motivational film. Sometimes we need gentle reminders to live our lives more fully. I know I do.

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: NO SENSE IN BEING AFRAID OF THE DARK

Yesterday's post sparked today's post! I have several sound conversations with people I really like yesterday. About intimacy and relationships and what I need in my life. The most amazing thing was the post from my Blog Sister The Bear Maiden :see, the problem is that when you have a life and kids you can't just go "out there" and it pisses me off when people say you should. "You need a booty call" but I don't think people like us are meant for "booty calls". We nurture, we care, we create safe spaces. That's what we do. And I don't know how to turn that off, nor do I particularly want to. So I can't say I agree with your brother.

On top of that I had a long conversation with That Johnson Boy Said What? in that conversation I said I was an intimacy phobe. But really I am not. What I am is fearful about being intimate and vulnerable and then having it be used as a whipping stick against me---like in my marriage. Yes I said FEARFUL! There are still some fear left in me, albeit not much! This notion of intimacy and vulnerability is perhaps my last area of improvement that I was not willing to open up to or own. I am throwing open the curtains and letting the light in on this. No sense being afraid of the dark.

My Blog Brother Xavier is constantly reminding me that I have a Love List. He says: "Ahh Love, you have a Love List refer to it" OK. He is so right.

So I have decided that I am just going to have more fun, continue to enjoy my life, seek out friendships that nurture and enhance my big life. I am going to love full throttle! I am taking my time. I am enjoying the ride. I am being still and letting the universe create for me the right mate. There is no rush. As the light streams in, I will allow the beauty that is in me to grow and grow and grow.

BROTHERLY LOVE...

Friday afternoon my Brother and I were chatting as I was prepping for the cook-out on Saturday. The conversation went like this:
Bob-O: So when was the last time you were out getting your swerve on?
Me: You talking to me...laughing.
Bob-O: You need to get out. You need to go on a date. You need to get laid!
Me: Shut-up.
Bob-O: I am just saying you need to get a life.
Me: Negro I have a life and a pretty damn good one. I have this, that and the other thing going on and I am busy and I am doing, and I am....
Bob-O: You need a life that includes dating, sex and more sex.
Me: SHUT-UP!

Saturday Night the cook-out is in full swing. My Brother chimes in again with this You need a life shit, but only this time he has an audience, my Brother Mikie, his wife Bev, and my Sister-friends JB and RG, my Soror.

Bob-O: She needs to get out, leave these children and go have some real fun!
Mikie: Sis, we can take the kids, go on go somewhere!
Bev: Whip out that black book and make a few calls...you need a booty-call(s)!
JB: Sleeping in that big bed every night can be sad. It is sad. I understand it. I have been there.
RG: You need to get out there. You are an amazing woman. Someone is in need of an amazing woman.

So what does out there mean? The only black book I have is my day planner filled with immunization dates, upcoming Drs. appointments and days when school is out. I have been out of the dating world for 12 almost 13 years. I have not seen another naked man in all that time, nor has one seen me! I am not afraid to date. I just don't know who I would date? I mean my tolerance for foolishness is very very low. I can't imagine playing silly games and being coy. Flirting I can do, witty repartee I can do. But chasing men, dumbing down for men...awww NO. I will even wear stilettos occasionally...even I think stilettos are sexy...occasionally.

Yesterday, talking with my Sister-friend JB as we were recapping my Brother's stand-up routine about me. I realized that what he said hurt my feelings. Not in a mean way, but in a sad way. Sad because he is right. I am so busy creating this solid life for my children and their well-being, that I am neglecting my own well being. Yes, I am walking in my truths and I learning to love more fully. But what does that mean in the absence of application of these life lessons. Hhhmmm.

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
66. Try every position in the Karma Sutra.
67. Change a tire.
68. Grow heirloom tomatoes.
69. Go on a date(s).

FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: I GOT MY OWN POWER TOOLS AND I KNOW HOW TO USE THEM!

Since my ex husband left. My children have been paying close attention to what is NOT being taken care of at our house. The Yard, back and front. My EX always took care of the yard. He was very competitive about it with our neighbors...MEN. Anyway, he would start early, lay out all equipment and tools. I would make pitcher of ice water and serve him periodically as he worked. But now all that is over and the yards are my responsibility. I was very reluctant to even deal with the outside of my house. I felt inadequate. Then my kids started with "Why Don't you Call Daddy" "Daddy knows how to take care of the yard" Well shit, that's all the motivation I needed to reclaim MY YARD!

I decided as the GROWN WOMAN/Warrior Queen of this castle I cut the grass, cleaned out the shed and inventoried all the tools that were left behind. I bought and built a new lawn mower, I already have all manner of rakes, and other gardening tools....and I am learning their use. OK, I did freak out when I found a dead bird in my shed---that required a call to my Brother BOB-O to come and get it out. I am brave, but even I have my limits! I cleaned my gas grill, repaired it and got it up and running. I bought new patio furniture, a new hammock, new umbrellas and new outside dishes!

I hired a guy to clean out my front flower beds...they look amazing. I am planting ROSES! PEONIES and what ever else I see. I am taking back my yard!

The truth of the matter is, I needed my children to see and understand that I can take care of things. That I have power tools and I know how to use them! That with a determined spirit, a good computer and a phone, you can do anything. So when I heard them talking to their friends on the front porch yesterday, I heard them say "Our Mom can do anything She is very brave'! I went to tears because if nothing else they need to know that nothing is out of their reach! I know it too, I got a yard that is starting to look really good and I did it!

1000 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
60. Have a big celebration wedding with peacocks, doves, African Drummers, and lots of music! ( I was married at City Hall with a JP on my lunch hour)
61. Grow a variety of Roses (Thanks KO Johnson!for R Is For Roses)
62. Cruise the Mediterranean
63. Take my kids to Disney (sigh)
64. Take a family photo with my Sister and Brothers and our kids.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO A LIFE IN TRANSITION

My first post, my maiden post was June 2, 2007 at 4:58 am. The events of the last couple of days almost made me miss marking this anniversary. It is important. And I cannot let someone Else's drama take me away from remembering and celebrating this transitioning life.

Where did the time go? and who was that woman compared to this Grown Woman today! I have been through it. I mean to walk through fire and know you were burned and yet still stand strong believing that better days are just right now. I am not concerned about tomorrow. I am rooted firmly in this moment. I am celebrating this joyous life right now. I have proven time and time again that I can do and be anything I want. That I get to decide who I want to love. I get to invite joy and peace and love in my life. I do happily.

None of the things that have happened in the last several years has killed me. Yes brought me to my knees, but on my knees is where God would have me to be. Fine tuning my prayers and giving reverence to this big life. I am grateful. I am grateful for the love that stays present in my life. I am grateful for my True Love friends, who by sheer will alone kept me moving forward, never letting me alone, never leaving me to maneuver the dark on my own. In the hardest part of the storm they surrounded me. They shielded me and they loved me. Ride or die.

I am grateful for being a mother. I am not the best or the smartest, but I am the most committed. I am the most daring and I am the most fearless. I love my children beyond this life.

Blogging has rescued this heart and soul. It has become a place of giving and taking. It has become a place of meeting and discovering. It has become my sabbatical, my ashram, my mecca, my Mount Kilimanjaro.
I have no idea if this Life in Transition will be here next year. I hope so, but most importantly, I am here now.

Happy Anniversary to A Life In Transition!

TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: FEAR AND INTIMIDATION

Being threatened in the blog world is scary. I have heard tales of cyber-stalkers, blog wars and men preying on women. I have not had any of these experiences until recently. A fellow blogger, Don Christopher Smith, Don, Minus the Bars has let it be known that he is unhappy about an anonymous post I left on his now defunct blog. He has threatened to exact revenge. Not only against me but a few other female bloggers for other reasons that I am not privy to.

I do not know this man, except that I frequented his blog, we spoke about collaborating on some prose and he penned two lovely poems for my birthday. So his threats are at best over the top. I sent him an email and notified authorities of his threats.

I do not scare easily. I never have. He has threatened to meet me at a conference that I am attending in Atlanta in July. He has asked other bloggers about my whereabouts. As I said I am not afraid of him or anyone else. I know men like him, who think that pushing up on women is power. I am not sure what his delusion is. I am not sure what his fascination with me is. But I tell you what, I will not be moved by him or anyone else. I will not tremble, hide, or walk in fear. I just want him to know that.

Don Christopher Smith I am not afraid of you. I am not running from you. And I am certainly not shutting my blog down because of you.

LOVE MY BODY...THE BEGINNING

As I said I was going to stop this body hatred. I am stopping this unhealthy feeling about my body. I am going to change my mind about this body and work hard at undoing the negative talk.

I am going to stand naked in my mirror and I am going to tell all the parts of my body that I hate, that I actually love them. The very fat tummy, the very fat thighs. the fat upper arms, the round middle. I am loving it and honoring this body. I will no longer look at these parts in disgust. I will look lovingly over this naked body and be grateful everything works.

I can not be defined by how I look. I have to be defined how I go about the world in love. Living in love. How can I let love rule if I keep running the negative tape in my head about how this body is unattractive. That is not loving. This is conditioning of self-hatred. It starts early and grows and grows and stays with you like a nasty virus. We start the negative talk with "I'll be happy once I lose 20 lbs" "Oh once I drop all this weight then I will be happy" Or we pick ourselves apart because it's easier to do than admire and love our body image. Imagine if we all just said: I LOVE MY BODY without any ifs, ands, or buts. Imagine if we stop comparing our bodies to other bodies., especially to movie stars, singers and video vixens. I am not Vivica Fox, I look more like Jill Scott. I do not look like Mariah Carey, I look more like Monique...you know the full figure comedian.

I am who I am. Now it doesn't mean I don't get out and move this body...I am. It doesn't mean that I eat and drink with abandon...I don't. It means that I change my mind about how I think about how I look. It means that I focus on health and not just weight-loss. It starts with exercising with the mindset that it's good for my heart , good for my lungs, good for overall health.

This is the beginning of loving my body. I must do this. I cannot accept someone else loving this body, making love to me if I do not. I have to come fully into this LOVE. I have to come kindly to myself and to this body.

Speaking of body love check out my new hang-out: The Pussy Chats check it for the chats stay for the hot and sexy music playlist!

IT'S ALWAYS JAZZ SUNDAY:MY PRAYERFUL LIFE

God answers sharp and sudden on some prayers, and thrusts the thing we have prayed for in our face, a gauntlet with a gift in it.

...Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

I saw this over at my favorite artisan Sister, The Artist In Me. When I saw it I knew instantly that God was talking to me...directly. I needed that message, that verse. It got me thinking about my prayerful life. It got me thinking about my life in this moment. I can feel the greatness all around me. I can feel the warmth of love and kindness and joy. I feel it. I feel it in all my interactions with people. I feel it in my telephone conversations, I feel it in my blog community. My prayers are answered. Are being answered. There is joy and peace and laughter. Deep, rich and full laughter. I caught myself the other day on the phone with My Crush and I was laughing a deep throaty laughter. My prayers have been answered...I am laughing again.

My prayers are not negotiations with God. I simply ask for the path to be illuminated further. I ask for stillness, I ask for clarity in my decision making. I ask to recognize love that IS. My prayers are sacred and personal. I ask for others that they may find love, peace, joy and laughter.

I am in this moment fully aware that my prayers are answered. My prayers are being answered.

1000 Things I want To Do Before I Die:
56. Make the Forbes list of Wealthiest People in the World
57. Milk a Cow.
58. See the Fashion Shows in Milan.
59. Own a house on the beach/shore