I learned a very good life lesson this weekend. See I approached Torrance, Raw Dawg Buffalo and Kelso last summer to do Raw Dawg Buffalo Radio. I believe then as I do now that we could have a lively discussion based on topics Torrance would choose or we would use from his blog. So far so good.
Well the last couple of shows have been very combative. Mainly my feelings got hurt because I felt attacked and maligned. Perhaps this a bit heavy handed, but these are my feelings nonetheless. I have vented my feelings to Sista GP and have asked her to step in to produce the show. I did this without even having a conversation with my partners Torrance and Kelso. I was mad. I just wanted to remove myself from this, thinking I would feel better and be done with it. I am wrong all the way around and I know it for sure.
But the truth of the matter is, I was acting like a brat. I was running away from something that was causing me discomfort and instead of making those feelings known I internalized, pouted and withdrew. I have done this all of my life. If I am really upset I withdraw. I get quiet. I disappear. I stop talking and I go about the world as if the thing that caused me pain didn't exist.
Torrance reminded me that your word is your bond. That you do what you say you are going to do. Never in my life has this resonated with me until this morning. NO one has ever called me out on not keeping my word...EVER. He texted me and reminded me that He put his time, faith and trust in me and here I am walking out. I am walking out in a very cowardly and petty way. It was like a light bulb went off...an epiphany. I understand. My actions are connected to others commitment. Not to mention dragging Sista GP into this drama, who only wanted to help and be the voice of calm and reason.
I created this drama. So what to do when you lose some credibility with folks? What to do when you have to try to salvage trust? Hhmm perhaps there are more life lessons here than I originally thought.
Regardless of what happens I learned something about HONOR, VALOR and LOVE. My word is all I got. My actions are all I got. I can talk shit all day but what am I willing to do and what do I stand for.
THANKS TORRANCE, KELSO AND SISTA GP FOR TEACHING ME. I am afterall a woman in transition.